Best friend’s husband cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am recovering with my husband from his infidelity (although he cheated after 25 years and not 4). My best friends have just been supportive and listened and just were there for me. They also helped see things straight in the immediate shock. She is lucky to have you so just be supportive of whatever she does. Therapy can help but the cheater has to really want to change.

Thank you for sharing your perspective and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I will be there for her and support her. I wish we weren’t in a pandemic so I could go to her or encourage her to come visit me. I don’t think he wants to change at all, but I think she’s holding out hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am recovering with my husband from his infidelity (although he cheated after 25 years and not 4). My best friends have just been supportive and listened and just were there for me. They also helped see things straight in the immediate shock. She is lucky to have you so just be supportive of whatever she does. Therapy can help but the cheater has to really want to change.

Thank you for sharing your perspective and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I will be there for her and support her. I wish we weren’t in a pandemic so I could go to her or encourage her to come visit me. I don’t think he wants to change at all, but I think she’s holding out hope.

I would keep this opinion to yourself, and support your friend in whatever she wants to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am recovering with my husband from his infidelity (although he cheated after 25 years and not 4). My best friends have just been supportive and listened and just were there for me. They also helped see things straight in the immediate shock. She is lucky to have you so just be supportive of whatever she does. Therapy can help but the cheater has to really want to change.

Thank you for sharing your perspective and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I will be there for her and support her. I wish we weren’t in a pandemic so I could go to her or encourage her to come visit me. I don’t think he wants to change at all, but I think she’s holding out hope.

I would keep this opinion to yourself, and support your friend in whatever she wants to do.

I will, though she said this herself today.

[Anonymous]

Personally I think if you were a true friend you would not be posting her business here. And for you to say that you’re worried that she’ll be jealous that you have a happy marriage and kids is odd.

My advice: suggest, as others have, that she get a lawyer to understand her legal options and beyond that just listen. And for gods sake don’t say anything negative about her husband. You have no idea how this is going to end up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think if you were a true friend you would not be posting her business here. And for you to say that you’re worried that she’ll be jealous that you have a happy marriage and kids is odd.

My advice: suggest, as others have, that she get a lawyer to understand her legal options and beyond that just listen. And for gods sake don’t say anything negative about her husband. You have no idea how this is going to end up.

Of course I’m a “true friend”. Why would posting anonymously on a message board without any identifying details betray that? I’m not worried that she is jealous - I’m worried that my perspective may come across in an unwanted/unintended way because my life is closer to the life she was hoping to have with this man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think if you were a true friend you would not be posting her business here. And for you to say that you’re worried that she’ll be jealous that you have a happy marriage and kids is odd.

My advice: suggest, as others have, that she get a lawyer to understand her legal options and beyond that just listen. And for gods sake don’t say anything negative about her husband. You have no idea how this is going to end up.

Of course I’m a “true friend”. Why would posting anonymously on a message board without any identifying details betray that? I’m not worried that she is jealous - I’m worried that my perspective may come across in an unwanted/unintended way because my life is closer to the life she was hoping to have with this man.

All the more reason to just listen without offering any perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am recovering with my husband from his infidelity (although he cheated after 25 years and not 4). My best friends have just been supportive and listened and just were there for me. They also helped see things straight in the immediate shock. She is lucky to have you so just be supportive of whatever she does. Therapy can help but the cheater has to really want to change.

Thank you for sharing your perspective and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I will be there for her and support her. I wish we weren’t in a pandemic so I could go to her or encourage her to come visit me. I don’t think he wants to change at all, but I think she’s holding out hope.

I would keep this opinion to yourself, and support your friend in whatever she wants to do.

I will, though she said this herself today.

Yeah, I'd still aproach it non comittal, not giving your opinion on hi, if you know what I mean. These things are complicated. I'm so sorry your friend is in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Just be there for her. Keep your opinions quiet but offer advice about a lawyer, therapy, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to stop doing wifey shit for men who deserve ravioli in a can.

Hey, that’s not nice to say that about ravioli. 😂

[Anonymous]

Be supportive. Don’t say anything bad about him; it’s not your place. Just hear her without rooting for any particular outcome, so you can keep being her friend regardless of what happens.

[Anonymous]

It’s devastating to have happen to you. Absolutely devastating. Just listen. Check in. She is going to be on a roller coaster of emotions for a long time.

I went into major depression (and I’m a very strong person with no prior mental health issues) but I had two kids and it was 20 years into marriage.

It’s very isolating, especially when you don’t tell family and only a very few know. It does double harm to the betrayed

Personally, she has no kids and hadn’t been with this guy that long. It’s a long road ahead with a guy that doesn’t sound like he feels he was in the wrong. I’m not sure how you can convey that and not have it backfire though.

Cheaters are POS. They do such harm to innocent people.

[Anonymous]

Well, it does't sound like he wants to stay married, so she may have no choice. Encourage her to be prepared for that possibility by seeing a lawyer.

Her life is definitely not over. I was widowed at 50 and had to start over. It was not fun, but I did it.

OP, you sound like a good friend. You and your husband should just keep in touch. I think it is helpful for male friends to gently let her know that this behavior is not typical and shouldn't be tolerated.

[Anonymous]

Don't stay w him in the hope that they'll patch things up and have kids. She's lucky she doesn't have any kids now to complicate matters further. Staying married to a cheating spouse "for the kids" is no picnic. She's only 38 and can have a fresh start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be supportive. Don’t say anything bad about him; it’s not your place. Just hear her without rooting for any particular outcome, so you can keep being her friend regardless of what happens.

He's a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay w him in the hope that they'll patch things up and have kids. She's lucky she doesn't have any kids now to complicate matters further. Staying married to a cheating spouse "for the kids" is no picnic. She's only 38 and can have a fresh start.

This falls into the category of “OK for OP to think, but not to say.”