Best friend’s husband cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay w him in the hope that they'll patch things up and have kids. She's lucky she doesn't have any kids now to complicate matters further. Staying married to a cheating spouse "for the kids" is no picnic. She's only 38 and can have a fresh start.

Op - I agree with this but I don’t think it’s my place to say that. I think she agrees too, but it’s complicated. She doesn’t know where she would go if she leaves, she’s lived in another country for most of her adult life but wouldn’t be able to remain if they split, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay w him in the hope that they'll patch things up and have kids. She's lucky she doesn't have any kids now to complicate matters further. Staying married to a cheating spouse "for the kids" is no picnic. She's only 38 and can have a fresh start.

Op - I agree with this but I don’t think it’s my place to say that. I think she agrees too, but it’s complicated. She doesn’t know where she would go if she leaves, she’s lived in another country for most of her adult life but wouldn’t be able to remain if they split, etc.

Fear is driving her to make decisions, and she is trying to avoid doing something difficult, even though it’s going to be difficult either way.

But sometimes lekkke have to learn these lessons for themselves. It’s so painful to watch, I know.

Once a friend of mine was about to marry a guy who was clearly terrible for her, and her friend told her “when it ends, I will be here for you, without judgment.” That helped a lot when my friend filed for divorce after two months.

[Anonymous]

My best friend is going through something similar now too.

There isn't anything you can do. Just listen and be supportive. My friend is super direct and will flat out tell me she isn't open to suggestions. Since I find myself trying to come up with different ways to help her. So, I think the less you "suggest" the better. Just listen and tell her you love her and whatever she needs, let you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay w him in the hope that they'll patch things up and have kids. She's lucky she doesn't have any kids now to complicate matters further. Staying married to a cheating spouse "for the kids" is no picnic. She's only 38 and can have a fresh start.

This falls into the category of “OK for OP to think, but not to say.”

I mean, maybe...Has your spouse cheated on you? If not, you might have a different perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be supportive. Don’t say anything bad about him; it’s not your place. Just hear her without rooting for any particular outcome, so you can keep being her friend regardless of what happens.

He's a cheater.

The friend knows. I once said something negative about a friend’s boyfriend in a similar situation. Guess what, they reconciled and got married. The friendship has never been the same and she has brought up what I said in the years since. Be a sounding board, and don’t judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be supportive. Don’t say anything bad about him; it’s not your place. Just hear her without rooting for any particular outcome, so you can keep being her friend regardless of what happens.

He's a cheater.

The friend knows. I once said something negative about a friend’s boyfriend in a similar situation. Guess what, they reconciled and got married. The friendship has never been the same and she has brought up what I said in the years since. Be a sounding board, and don’t judge.

Agree. I lost a friendship in a similar way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be supportive. Don’t say anything bad about him; it’s not your place. Just hear her without rooting for any particular outcome, so you can keep being her friend regardless of what happens.

He's a cheater.

The friend knows. I once said something negative about a friend’s boyfriend in a similar situation. Guess what, they reconciled and got married. The friendship has never been the same and she has brought up what I said in the years since. Be a sounding board, and don’t judge.

Thank you, I will be careful to do just that.

[Anonymous]

It's going to be decided for her at some point, this man isn't going to stay with her. He's already told her he doesn't think they want the same things, plus he has no intentions of having kids with her. I suspect he will still be looking while she wastes more time with him.

I'm not sure she has time to have kids with someone else at 38. And I suspect he's been making excuses all along as to why...they should wait. I would be livid that he stole that time from me and me having my family. After the cheating I would stop all birth control and let nature take over. His wants would no longer be above my own, and I would put myself first. Meaning having at least 2 kids while I was fertile enough. I look at it like this, you can always find another man if he bails at some point, but you'll always have your kids for life.

Plus she could have kids with another guy in 2 years, but whose to say that relationship would work. I've seen that happen plenty, so that would be my advice OP...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be decided for her at some point, this man isn't going to stay with her. He's already told her he doesn't think they want the same things, plus he has no intentions of having kids with her. I suspect he will still be looking while she wastes more time with him.

I'm not sure she has time to have kids with someone else at 38. And I suspect he's been making excuses all along as to why...they should wait. I would be livid that he stole that time from me and me having my family. After the cheating I would stop all birth control and let nature take over. His wants would no longer be above my own, and I would put myself first. Meaning having at least 2 kids while I was fertile enough. I look at it like this, you can always find another man if he bails at some point, but you'll always have your kids for life.

Plus she could have kids with another guy in 2 years, but whose to say that relationship would work. I've seen that happen plenty, so that would be my advice OP...

Those kids would be dual citizens too. Not bad.

[Anonymous]

She will need to chose between children and patching up the relationship or leaving and being childless. That age is rough. I wish people would understand that if you are looking to start a family, to avoid waiting too late and getting too old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be decided for her at some point, this man isn't going to stay with her. He's already told her he doesn't think they want the same things, plus he has no intentions of having kids with her. I suspect he will still be looking while she wastes more time with him.

I'm not sure she has time to have kids with someone else at 38. And I suspect he's been making excuses all along as to why...they should wait. I would be livid that he stole that time from me and me having my family. After the cheating I would stop all birth control and let nature take over. His wants would no longer be above my own, and I would put myself first. Meaning having at least 2 kids while I was fertile enough. I look at it like this, you can always find another man if he bails at some point, but you'll always have your kids for life.

Plus she could have kids with another guy in 2 years, but whose to say that relationship would work. I've seen that happen plenty, so that would be my advice OP...

Those kids would be dual citizens too. Not bad.

Yes I was thinking the same thing. Her best bet is to pretend to forgive him, start trying to get pregnant. With what OP posted that would be a win win for her. He'll get over it...just like she got over his cheating. Women never regret having their kids, but often regret the men whether it's 1st or 2nd marriages. He already made all these commitments to her, now he has to keep his word. How I see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will need to chose between children and patching up the relationship or leaving and being childless. That age is rough. I wish people would understand that if you are looking to start a family, to avoid waiting too late and getting too old.

My friend is over 50 and wasted a bunch of time with idiots. I told her to stop all birth control,now she regrets it all because it's too late. She allowed them to rob her unfortunately. Women need to learn to put their needs first, especially when they are with a selfish partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be decided for her at some point, this man isn't going to stay with her. He's already told her he doesn't think they want the same things, plus he has no intentions of having kids with her. I suspect he will still be looking while she wastes more time with him.

I'm not sure she has time to have kids with someone else at 38. And I suspect he's been making excuses all along as to why...they should wait. I would be livid that he stole that time from me and me having my family. After the cheating I would stop all birth control and let nature take over. His wants would no longer be above my own, and I would put myself first. Meaning having at least 2 kids while I was fertile enough. I look at it like this, you can always find another man if he bails at some point, but you'll always have your kids for life.

Plus she could have kids with another guy in 2 years, but whose to say that relationship would work. I've seen that happen plenty, so that would be my advice OP...

Those kids would be dual citizens too. Not bad.

Yes I was thinking the same thing. Her best bet is to pretend to forgive him, start trying to get pregnant. With what OP posted that would be a win win for her. He'll get over it...just like she got over his cheating. Women never regret having their kids, but often regret the men whether it's 1st or 2nd marriages. He already made all these commitments to her, now he has to keep his word. How I see it.

NP who had 2 kids with a cheater. 2 decades later, I really regret choosing to have my kids with such a poor Dad. The same characteristics that make a guy a cheater also make him a crappy dad. It has been painful to them and hard for me to watch their dysfunctional relationship with him. I wish I had valued myself more and understood better how their future happiness would be diminished by having such a crappy Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her life is not over. 38 is not old. She can absolutely start over, especially if she doesn’t want kids. Tell her to leave this ass immediately. If she has been married for 4 years, how has she not been able to obtain citizenship? That part I don’t get. My husband is Italian and we lived in Italy for about a year and a half at one point. If I recall correctly I could have had citizenship after 3 years of loving in Italy.

They’ll be married 4 years this summer. It’s the UK and they have crazy citizenship rules. She’s on a spousal visa now but has, I believe, another 2 years or so before she could get citizenship.

You don't need to be a citizen to live there. You just need to have a visa, which she does.

Just like you dont' need to be a citizen to live in the US -- you can be here legally on a visa or green card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's going to be decided for her at some point, this man isn't going to stay with her. He's already told her he doesn't think they want the same things, plus he has no intentions of having kids with her. I suspect he will still be looking while she wastes more time with him.

I'm not sure she has time to have kids with someone else at 38. And I suspect he's been making excuses all along as to why...they should wait. I would be livid that he stole that time from me and me having my family. After the cheating I would stop all birth control and let nature take over. His wants would no longer be above my own, and I would put myself first. Meaning having at least 2 kids while I was fertile enough. I look at it like this, you can always find another man if he bails at some point, but you'll always have your kids for life.

Plus she could have kids with another guy in 2 years, but whose to say that relationship would work. I've seen that happen plenty, so that would be my advice OP...

Those kids would be dual citizens too. Not bad.

Yes I was thinking the same thing. Her best bet is to pretend to forgive him, start trying to get pregnant. With what OP posted that would be a win win for her. He'll get over it...just like she got over his cheating. Women never regret having their kids, but often regret the men whether it's 1st or 2nd marriages. He already made all these commitments to her, now he has to keep his word. How I see it.

NP who had 2 kids with a cheater. 2 decades later, I really regret choosing to have my kids with such a poor Dad. The same characteristics that make a guy a cheater also make him a crappy dad. It has been painful to them and hard for me to watch their dysfunctional relationship with him. I wish I had valued myself more and understood better how their future happiness would be diminished by having such a crappy Dad.

Many men who don't cheat are lousy fathers. My friend divorced her husband because he refused to do anything child related. He couldn't take the 9 mo olds crying and ask the babysitter to extend her hours, lol. OP's friend waited too long imo.