Would marry someone who's cheap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am cheap , I deprive myself of basic needs. I get upset about money I spent 20 years ago on something stupid like an outfit I never wore . It’s an issue I struggle with daily . Most days I don’t spend money at all. But I have a very high networth .

Please get professional help.

[Anonymous]

Hard pass. Attitudes towards money and spending are so deeply ingrained that they are unlikely to change over time. They are a major source of conflict in marriages. If you do marry him, get counseling first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For more context...I am a very frugal person, however I am not cheap. I like quality items that in the end are economical because they last longer. I buy lots of stuff used to save money. I rather have a used high quality item than a new low quality item, and spend les for it.

With respect to my boyfriend here are examples of his cheapness. When he takes me out to dinner he complains about prices. Says things like....are you sure you want to order that? Do you NEED an app/dessert? If the waiter offers me something he declines before I have a chance to say whether I want it or not. If we order takeout and I want extra something say sauce and they charge for it, he grumbles. If I want to go to the movies at night sometimes, he complains because it costs more.

I don’t know exactly how much he makes but it’s six figures.

Hard pass. Once you marry, the dinner dates will stop because eating out is wasteful. The grocery bill will be scrutinized - why did you buy a name brand item, store brand is just as good! All outings that cost money will stop - we can get a free movie at the library!

Nope nope nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For more context...I am a very frugal person, however I am not cheap. I like quality items that in the end are economical because they last longer. I buy lots of stuff used to save money. I rather have a used high quality item than a new low quality item, and spend les for it.

With respect to my boyfriend here are examples of his cheapness. When he takes me out to dinner he complains about prices. Says things like....are you sure you want to order that? Do you NEED an app/dessert? If the waiter offers me something he declines before I have a chance to say whether I want it or not. If we order takeout and I want extra something say sauce and they charge for it, he grumbles. If I want to go to the movies at night sometimes, he complains because it costs more.

I don’t know exactly how much he makes but it’s six figures.

OMG dump him. He sounds cheap and controlling.

[Anonymous]

It's one thing to be thrifty or frugal but be generous with others. The fact that he begrudges even spending money on you and expects you to sacrifice is a big warning sign. Will he expect that of your kids: private versus public school, extracurriculars versus none, organic versus nonorganic? For some that wouldn't matter, but for me it certainly would. I like restaurants, vacations, gifts at birthdays/holidays/anniversaries so it would be a definite NO for me. I also want someone is generous and charitable and shows that through his actions and voting.

[Anonymous]

You know that scenario that's supposed to help you decide if the guy is right for the longterm? You, your husband, and your new born baby are at the airport, and your flight has just been cancelled. The baby is squalling, and you are exhausted and on the verge of tears yourself, and you turn to husband, and you say, "Fix it. Whatever you have to do, just fix it."

What do you think he would do? Do you think he would be able and willing to fix the situation, or would he say, "Well I'm not paying an extra $50 to change our flight. What a waste! We can just spend the night in the airport. Those chairs look pretty comfy."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For more context...I am a very frugal person, however I am not cheap. I like quality items that in the end are economical because they last longer. I buy lots of stuff used to save money. I rather have a used high quality item than a new low quality item, and spend les for it.

With respect to my boyfriend here are examples of his cheapness. When he takes me out to dinner he complains about prices. Says things like....are you sure you want to order that? Do you NEED an app/dessert? If the waiter offers me something he declines before I have a chance to say whether I want it or not. If we order takeout and I want extra something say sauce and they charge for it, he grumbles. If I want to go to the movies at night sometimes, he complains because it costs more.

I don’t know exactly how much he makes but it’s six figures.

Hard pass. Once you marry, the dinner dates will stop because eating out is wasteful. The grocery bill will be scrutinized - why did you buy a name brand item, store brand is just as good! All outings that cost money will stop - we can get a free movie at the library!

Nope nope nope.

This is was one of many issues with my STBXW. I half joke with my best friend that the best thing I could ever give her a Christmas was a list of things I *thought* of buying for her along with the sum total of how much we saved by me not buying anything at all. In the last few years of our marriage we never went out on a date, largely because she was concerned about how much the dinner would cost. Donating money to worthy causes was always a struggle -- "I love the cat rescue; should we give them a $1 this year?". We had the credit card set up to provide automatic notifications, and if I went out to lunch once a month from my co-workers, I could expect an immediate call from her as soon a the charge went through. I live well beneath my means (I've owned 3 non-luxury cars over the last 30 years, and this one will last 10 more, buy generic at the store, clip coupons, etc ... ), but she was completely ascetic -- and we made well into the 6 figures and both have in the ballpark of $2m in savings after divorce.

[Anonymous]

I would have a specific discussion w/him & let him know how you feel about this ↪️ going forward.

Try to discuss the topic in a very civil manner.
W/out placing blame.

Listen clearly to what he has to say about it.
Try to see his perspective.

Hopefully you two can come to a mutual understanding or at least a compromise.
If he still continues to be cheap or complaining about dollar amounts then you might want to reconsider dating this person.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It’s bugging you now in the good sex/new romance phase. Imagine what it’s going to be like in 10 years.

It doesn’t have to be terrible for it to be not right for you. That’s what dating is for, to find this stuff out.

[Anonymous]

It could be a match made in heaven, as long as you discuss this before marriage and agree to find compromises.

I married someone incredibly cheap, who as a child was a war refugee and experienced hunger and privations. Although we struggle at times to come to a compromise on spending, on the whole it's been a great blessing for the health of our finances.

In general, I believe it's important to marry someone who complements you, not someone who has similar strength and weaknesses, because then you make a great team.

[Anonymous]

Initially I thought my now husband was too thrifty bordering on cheap given we were making the same amount of money. After we got engaged we went house hunting and found the perfect place and when it came to coming up with the down payment I had nothing really to contribute. We then had a very interesting conversation about money and savings. Fast forward many years and his thriftiness paid off in so many ways. We always lived very comfortably but we saved a lot and money was never an issue for us. So OP, you need to determine if he is cheap or just thrifty. Thrifty can be a real asset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have a specific discussion w/him & let him know how you feel about this ↪️ going forward.

Try to discuss the topic in a very civil manner.
W/out placing blame.

Listen clearly to what he has to say about it.
Try to see his perspective.

Hopefully you two can come to a mutual understanding or at least a compromise.
If he still continues to be cheap or complaining about dollar amounts then you might want to reconsider dating this person.

Good luck.

+1. If he is otherwise a great person surely you can discuss this and reach some sort of compromise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s worth having a conversation about it before ending it. Does he comment on the price but still buy things? My FIL likes to complain that gas/milk/etc is so expensive, but he still buys it.

If you are young and thinking of having kids, I would definitely be cautious, in case you end up staying home and having to fight with him about ‘his’ money. If you don’t want kids and have an established career, it may matter less because you can do what you want with your own money. I remember my parents getting into huge fights about money, my dad was cheap and my mom liked to spend. They would be at each other’s throats over $15. They got divorced, but get along great now that they don’t have to share finances. It isn’t that he is wrong and you are right or vise versa, but you do want to have balance. Spending the rest of your life justifying the $15 face wash vs the $.50 dial soap will be miserable.

Or marry him but keep your finances separate. That's what we do. My husband thinks nothing of spending $400 a month on booze, but he gave me jewelry from a consignment shop for Christmas and won't give more than 2% of his income to charity. It would have been a shame to miss out just because his ideas of finances are so far off of mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Initially I thought my now husband was too thrifty bordering on cheap given we were making the same amount of money. After we got engaged we went house hunting and found the perfect place and when it came to coming up with the down payment I had nothing really to contribute. We then had a very interesting conversation about money and savings. Fast forward many years and his thriftiness paid off in so many ways. We always lived very comfortably but we saved a lot and money was never an issue for us. So OP, you need to determine if he is cheap or just thrifty. Thrifty can be a real asset.

That's frugal, not stingy. OP's BF is stingy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For more context...I am a very frugal person, however I am not cheap. I like quality items that in the end are economical because they last longer. I buy lots of stuff used to save money. I rather have a used high quality item than a new low quality item, and spend les for it.

With respect to my boyfriend here are examples of his cheapness. When he takes me out to dinner he complains about prices. Says things like....are you sure you want to order that? Do you NEED an app/dessert? If the waiter offers me something he declines before I have a chance to say whether I want it or not. If we order takeout and I want extra something say sauce and they charge for it, he grumbles. If I want to go to the movies at night sometimes, he complains because it costs more.

I don’t know exactly how much he makes but it’s six figures.

Hard pass. Once you marry, the dinner dates will stop because eating out is wasteful. The grocery bill will be scrutinized - why did you buy a name brand item, store brand is just as good! All outings that cost money will stop - we can get a free movie at the library!

Nope nope nope.

This. OP, sorry but your BF is stingy. That's very different from being frugal. I say this as someone who is also very frugal. Things will only get worse as your relationship progresses. He's already denying you things you enjoy.