it should be ok to question sudden revelations about gender dysphoria

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issues I find with your post is that you speak as if you are “sure” about things that you clearly don’t understand. It’s okay to just say I don’t understand.

Maybe the issue also is the book you posted is trash and has your brain in knots ... after being peer reviewed the author had to put a disclaimer on it.

You might get less backlash if you came from a place of learning instead of knowing. Also don’t talk about the book it makes you sound crazy.

Also, you are seeking a clear and definitive answer/solution. It doesn’t exist. Maybe a boy just likes to wear nail polish and now we think .., hmm what is his label and actually he’s just a boy who wears nail polish.

Your daughter is a girl biologically who does not follow female social norms and you want a label for that and a solution to fix it.

There is no problem, hence no solution.... if I was a she/they and my mom/society was trying to fix me I’d have anxiety and depression too.

There is not “explosion” of girls being trans, it’s just new to you.

Also men ogling women is disgusting ... she not liking it is not the problem.

Thank you for saying everything that needed to be said

NP, actually, I found the tone of the post to be condescending and rude.

OP was raising legitimate issues from her perspective. I don’t think her talking about the book made her sound crazy at all. That said, I haven’t read the book. I’d you have an issue with the book, you should talk about that instead of labeling OP as sounding crazy.

I heard a caring mom who is trying to figure out what her daughter’s self-labeling means, not someone who was trying to fix their daughter. If anything, you are the one who comes across sounding crazy.

[Anonymous]

I have a 6th grader who identifies as non-binary in some spaces at some times. I don't actually think my DC will settle on a non-binary identify, but I also see this as a pretty rational reaction to some specific experiences.

We (Gen X parents) have not managed to remake the world in a way that makes it safe to be a pre-teen or teenaged girl. We are sending our daughters out into a world where they will be cat-called and harassed AT BEST during adolescence. At worst they will be molested or raped.

We put up with boys "being boys" and we don't hold the men in our lives accountable for their comments and their leers when it comes to pubescent girls.

We consume media that sexualizes young women, relationships with massive age gaps, and that blurs the lines when it comes to consent.

We've failed them, and they can see it and think maybe it would just be best not to be female in a world that looks and feels like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dd is 11 and in the past couple of months 2 girls in her class and generally in her wider friend group have come out as trans and announced new names and pronouns. A couple of others have started using they/them pronouns and a few others have identified themselves as gay. Dd is in 6th grade.
I remember to use the correct names and pronouns when discussing these kids, and I am supportive of whatever decisions they feel they need to make right now, as is dd. I don’t know if it’s a “fad” and possibly some of them will make different decisions in a year or two, but it’s not my business to comment on that.
Dd is “absolutely sure” she is a straight girl. She hasn’t started puberty yet (but is excited for it), and I hope she continues to feel good about herself in her body. I do remember the horrible unwanted attention I started getting at her age - I was more developed - and hope to be able to offer her better counsel than my mom who just shrugged when we were walking by a group of men who catcalled at us, and said “that’s what men do”.

Your mom coukd've handled it better, but she wasn't wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issues I find with your post is that you speak as if you are “sure” about things that you clearly don’t understand. It’s okay to just say I don’t understand.

Maybe the issue also is the book you posted is trash and has your brain in knots ... after being peer reviewed the author had to put a disclaimer on it.

You might get less backlash if you came from a place of learning instead of knowing. Also don’t talk about the book it makes you sound crazy.

Also, you are seeking a clear and definitive answer/solution. It doesn’t exist. Maybe a boy just likes to wear nail polish and now we think .., hmm what is his label and actually he’s just a boy who wears nail polish.

Your daughter is a girl biologically who does not follow female social norms and you want a label for that and a solution to fix it.

There is no problem, hence no solution.... if I was a she/they and my mom/society was trying to fix me I’d have anxiety and depression too.

There is not “explosion” of girls being trans, it’s just new to you.

Also men ogling women is disgusting ... she not liking it is not the problem.

Thank you for saying everything that needed to be said

NP, actually, I found the tone of the post to be condescending and rude.

OP was raising legitimate issues from her perspective. I don’t think her talking about the book made her sound crazy at all. That said, I haven’t read the book. I’d you have an issue with the book, you should talk about that instead of labeling OP as sounding crazy.

I heard a caring mom who is trying to figure out what her daughter’s self-labeling means, not someone who was trying to fix their daughter. If anything, you are the one who comes across sounding crazy.

OP here, thank you, you totally understood correctly where I was coming from.

I have worked very hard to get my child to understand that labels to do not solve any problems, but expressing the feelings for which a label is being sought is crucial.

The comment that I dont know what is problematic with being ogled shows more about the assumptions made the person making that comment. In fact, many women are regularly ogled, and while its actually a sought out response by some women, it is obnoxious to most, and downright devastating to others. However, its not uniformly traumatizing to all women. My teens trauma about it is complicated and by other comments she has made is directly linked in some way to her "gender dyphoria".

I put that in quotes because we finally had a good conversation about labels again in which she was able to hear my perspective after she put to me the question of whether or not I believed she had gender dysphoria, followed by the pre-emptive comment "I know you dont believe I do."

In essence it seems that there is a desire by some to redefine gender dysphoria to include any and all discomforts with ones body that are related to biological gender. In her case, she wishes her boobs were smaller, but she does not with she didnt have a vagina, and does not wish to live as a boy or be thought of as a boy. She DOES however wish to _at a time of her choosing_ to dress as a boy and be at least possibly mistaken for one by a casual observer. This idea has never actually been tested in the real world, as its been conceived of during Corona lockdown.

I was also able to let her know the heavy price paid by the researcher who published a peer reviewed research asking the question about rapid onset gender dysphoria. All for asking a question: whats going on?

Im not sure people are aware of the heavy price paid by transitioning teens and families with respect to hormones and other quite awful dangers posed to their health.

If one purports to want consent to transition, then this consent MUST BE INFORMED. Please dont fail to tell girls that their vaginas will atrophy with testosterone injections and orgasm will be impossible. Especially teen girls who have yet to even experience any intimate physical contact with any other person by which they could reasonably judge that they never again want to experience what their bodies can produce in their natural state.

Please dont lie to parents and tell them simply stopping testosterone injections will return the body to its original state, no harm done. THIS IS NOT TRUE.

If the trans activist movement continues to quash normal questioning and investigation, then who are they helping? We cannot let our children be co-opted into a movement despite any of the best of intentions this movement may have in terms of inclusivity. And medical professionals are failing teens and even younger children by ignoring the "first do no harm" portion of their mandate. They know full well these hormones produce harms, and they know the statistics show no reduction in suicidal or other depressive symptoms due to being "allowed" to transition. Its rather the opposite. Not surprising, since hormones will MESS a person up very badly.

As it turns out, one of DD's friends had done the research himself (trans boy) and decided that this is a price he was not prepared to pay. There are other ways to present as a man that are available to him. He is 14.

[Anonymous]

You are setting up a straw man, OP.

Your child is not asking for gender confirmation surgery, nor for hormone blockers. So...why the focus on them?

Honestly, what does it hurt of your child uses they/them pronouns for a year or three and then switches back to she/her? I mean, it's inconvenient, but no more than if they had decided their identity was "NKOTB fan" the way I did at their age.

Yeah, pre-teens and teens are annoying and try on identities that we as adults find annoying. Welcome to the eternal struggle.

[Anonymous]

NP here. First, I want to thank OP for her brave post. I also am a lifelong liberal who is not at all LBGT phobic. I have a child who has recently come out as trans (male to female) and I'm troubled.

Our 18 yo son has been depressed for years, isolating himself in his room, almost completely without friends, and refusing to engage with family. He had been pretty happy has a child, and very close with me, his mom. The only childhood trauma I'm aware of is that we moved to a new state when he was an adolescent. He had already begun showing signs of anxiety and poor self-esteem, and he never adjusted to having to start over someplace new.

After 4 years of our son being absolutely miserable and isolated following the move, he left our home for a few months, cutting off all contact with us and extended family. Recently, he came back as trans. (I'll change to using the "she" pronoun now). She dresses as female (kind of goth, with dramatic makeup) and has been getting estrogen for several months. Her dad and I are using her new name and pronouns. We are treating her as a daughter.

My first reaction when she came back was something like, "Phew, so THAT was the problem! So glad she had the courage to come out. Now she'll be so much happier." However, she mentioned that she thinks she has Borderline Personality Disorder, which makes sense to me when I look up the symptoms. There is quite a bit of mental illness among my relatives, including schizophrenia and suicidality. I mentioned earlier that I'm not aware of any trauma in her background (BPD is often caused by childhood trauma or neglect). As our only child, she was doted on, and although she had difficulty making friends, she was never bullied.

I don't know what I should be doing besides showing her love and acceptance. My fear is that her desire to transition is more about self-hatred (wanting to kill her past self) and knowing that something is wrong than about gender dysphoria, since she never expressed any desire to be female when she was younger. She has never had a romantic relationship, and I don't think she has even had sex. Like other posters, I fear that she doesn't have the experience to know if hormone therapy is something she really wants or if she'll come to regret it in the future. She is 18, so I can't even talk to the doctor who is giving her the hormones without her consent. I will try to get her to see a therapist, but she will almost definitely refuse. If her dad and I question her desire to continue transitioning, we're afraid she will leave and cut us off again.

We do not disapprove of her transitioning; we just want to know that it is truly something she wants to do and that she'll be happy that she did it in the future, that it isn't coming from a place of mental illness. She has spent almost all her time in her room online in the last few years, and I wonder how much she has been influenced by what I believe is an LBGT fad (I know many will disagree). Doctors are not supposed to begin hormone therapy in the presence of mental illness, so apparently she has found someone without scruples.

I'm torn between wanting to support her in her choice and wanting to protect her from making what could be a terrible mistake.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I'm anticipating people asking why we weren't getting therapy for our child before, so I want to point out that she has been in therapy on an off since she was 12. She has not opened up much with the therapists, seeing therapy as something that we were forcing on her. Also, after being on meds for anxiety and ADHD for a few years, she decided to stop taking meds a few years ago. DH and I have been getting therapy for ourselves for years.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry where is all the gender reassignment surgery among teens happening? I haven’t heard about that.

[Anonymous]

I used to prefer boy clothes as a child and even through my teen years. I frequently wore my older brothers old clothes and I had more than one boy shirt from Abercrombie and fitch that I’d wear with slouchy jeans. I also got along better with boys than girls. But I’m married, I have kids, I identify as female, I’m more feminine than I used to be although I still wear mens sweats. If someone had encouraged me to be non binary I’d probably have gone along with it and it would have done weird things to my identity. Just my own personal story.

[Anonymous]

Pp, here are some resources for you. I’m sorry for what you are going through with your child. None of this is easy. Please be cautious about medical interventions.

https://genspect.org/

https://pitt.substack.com/

https://www.transgendertrend.com/

[Anonymous]

I agree OP.

Ds's first girlfriend identified as gender fluid. Very confusing for him because it didn't come up until a few months in. She continued to call herself his girlfriend so I will use feminine pronouns.

Her mom wasn't 100% on board. She refused to buy a binder, and continued to use her given name. The girl would decide mid day to change genders.

Anyway, kids in ds's class at the time (9th grade) said it seemed like a lot of the gender identity declarations were a fad. Now, 7 years later, all but two have reclaimed their biological genders
One is ( or has) transitioned female to male. Two are bi.

Let your kids be who they are, but talk. Ask questions. Is this genuinely a factor in your child's life? Are they questioning themselves and expermenting?

Also, don't jump on people for asking questions. It's how people learn.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone in real life told you that you are taking the wrong approach, OP? I'm part of a progressive community and I know a lot of trans and non-binary people. Your approach is what most of the therapists who would with teens would suggest and what most supportive parents are doing: ask questions, talk about it, weigh the costs and benefits of interventions, understand that feelings and identities of young people often change over time. I feel like what you are doing is standard for a supportive parent and you are setting up a strawman arguement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a teen, I am seeing — what to call it? — a trend? A fad? A rash? of girls wanting to be known by male names and pronouns. I can’t say if they’re “transitioning” or not because I don’t really know the status of hormones or surgery or anything. But it’s happening quite suddenly. I am a “live and let live” type in general but I would be concerned if our generally welcoming community’s embrace of this will mean that girls make irreversible decisions based on momentary trends. I have seen absolutely no similar transitioning on the part of teen boys.

I remember being a less girly girl who was very uncomfortable with male attention. I solved it then by wearing short hair and non-revealing clothes. I’m concerned to see girls who think the only solution is a permanent gender change.

Agree 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree OP.

Ds's first girlfriend identified as gender fluid. Very confusing for him because it didn't come up until a few months in. She continued to call herself his girlfriend so I will use feminine pronouns.

Her mom wasn't 100% on board. She refused to buy a binder, and continued to use her given name. The girl would decide mid day to change genders.

Anyway, kids in ds's class at the time (9th grade) said it seemed like a lot of the gender identity declarations were a fad. Now, 7 years later, all but two have reclaimed their biological genders
One is ( or has) transitioned female to male. Two are bi.

Let your kids be who they are, but talk. Ask questions. Is this genuinely a factor in your child's life? Are they questioning themselves and expermenting?

Also, don't jump on people for asking questions. It's how people learn.

I'm going to be the outlier here and say I hate this piece of advice. What does it even mean? The child that you describe is a young girl clearly confused about her gender, so how are we supposed to "let her be who she is" when she doesn't even think she knows herself?

Kids like this clearly need more parental help and guidance than they are getting. To "let her be who she is" is to get her help in accepting that she is becoming a young woman.

Sorry, but you can't have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dd is 11 and in the past couple of months 2 girls in her class and generally in her wider friend group have come out as trans and announced new names and pronouns. A couple of others have started using they/them pronouns and a few others have identified themselves as gay. Dd is in 6th grade.
I remember to use the correct names and pronouns when discussing these kids, and I am supportive of whatever decisions they feel they need to make right now, as is dd. I don’t know if it’s a “fad” and possibly some of them will make different decisions in a year or two, but it’s not my business to comment on that.
Dd is “absolutely sure” she is a straight girl. She hasn’t started puberty yet (but is excited for it), and I hope she continues to feel good about herself in her body. I do remember the horrible unwanted attention I started getting at her age - I was more developed - and hope to be able to offer her better counsel than my mom who just shrugged when we were walking by a group of men who catcalled at us, and said “that’s what men do”.

Your mom coukd've handled it better, but she wasn't wrong.

Just say “That was rude.”