How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DP. When I sought therapy after discovering my husband had a double life for 4.5 years, my therapist told me I was suffering all of the classic signs of PTSD and my treatment would be similar. He did say it was a “trauma” and it is treated through “trauma counseling”.

So, OP, I would find a good trauma therapist. You should also be in couples therapy.

Your husband’s behavior is concerning though. Mine never blamed me or refused to let me talk and ask questions as much as I wanted—and he answered them. He is still in his own individual therapy.

Good luck. It sounds like either he has a lot of shame and it hurts too much to go there or he doesn’t really have remorse. It should be his job to do anything to help you heal. If he’s not willing to do that, you will need to make some decisions.

Your husband should be reading books about how to help you heal and if he did he would see that it’s documented to take 2-5 years to recover from an affair (depending on many factors—length of time one of them).

If he does not think he handle that, dealing with the destruction he caused and being a sounding board for quite some time, he should get out. He should be in his own therapy to have a place to process safely too.

Some people have told me 18 months-2 years was harder in some ways because the first year was one of such shock and there is often some hysterical bonding/closeness (or a ton in my case) and when things start to settle into normalcy—-it raises concern and brings back feelings of “this is how it was when he/she was cheating”. This is why it’s a long process. I can’t stress therapy enough for both of you. Unfortunately, insurance doesn’t usually cover anything for couples therapy and it’s not cheap. Another fallout from stupid decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP. When I sought therapy after discovering my husband had a double life for 4.5 years, my therapist told me I was suffering all of the classic signs of PTSD and my treatment would be similar. He did say it was a “trauma” and it is treated through “trauma counseling”.

So, OP, I would find a good trauma therapist. You should also be in couples therapy.

Your husband’s behavior is concerning though. Mine never blamed me or refused to let me talk and ask questions as much as I wanted—and he answered them. He is still in his own individual therapy.

Good luck. It sounds like either he has a lot of shame and it hurts too much to go there or he doesn’t really have remorse. It should be his job to do anything to help you heal. If he’s not willing to do that, you will need to make some decisions.

He says he had a dark time and had a mental break. He is trying to move forward and feel like everything is ok and when I keep bringing up the affair it takes him back to a bad place. Idk.

Has he been in therapy of his own for this? Mine had a similar thing—it was internal issues—didn’t even recognize himself. He’s been in therapy a year—and upped it to twice per week since April and the change has been remarkable. His therapist occasionally meets with me to check in. Mine also gave up alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP. When I sought therapy after discovering my husband had a double life for 4.5 years, my therapist told me I was suffering all of the classic signs of PTSD and my treatment would be similar. He did say it was a “trauma” and it is treated through “trauma counseling”.

So, OP, I would find a good trauma therapist. You should also be in couples therapy.

Your husband’s behavior is concerning though. Mine never blamed me or refused to let me talk and ask questions as much as I wanted—and he answered them. He is still in his own individual therapy.

Good luck. It sounds like either he has a lot of shame and it hurts too much to go there or he doesn’t really have remorse. It should be his job to do anything to help you heal. If he’s not willing to do that, you will need to make some decisions.

He says he had a dark time and had a mental break. He is trying to move forward and feel like everything is ok and when I keep bringing up the affair it takes him back to a bad place. Idk.

Op - part of your post indicated that you’re having symptoms like panic attacks due to his betrayal. What are you doing to help yourself? Have you seen a therapist or psychiatrist? Please take care of yourself first. Remember that when the plane goes down, you put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.

It's only been a year, OP.

Honestly reflect with yourself - if your best friend told you her husband was behaving this way only a year outside of cheating, what would your response to her be?

[Anonymous]

I stayed. Wish I left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t call it PTSD. That terms is incredibly overused and it minimizes the seriousness of the disorder.

Wrong. Being betrayed by infidelity is absolutely trauma. Trauma = Psychological trauma is damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a distressing event.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder

[Anonymous]

To those objecting to OP's use of the words trauma and PTSD: please recall that trauma is compounding. You do not know what experiences OP had before this event.

I have PTSD from a workplace harassment event about 10 years ago. If I described it to you, you might say "that's not trauma." But what you might not understand is that I also have trauma from childhood abuse and from a sexual assault in my 20s. The workplace harassment triggered memories and associations with those traumas. I can objectively look at those earlier traumas and say that they were more violent, more upsetting events than the workplace harassment. But my brain does not make that distinction when my PTSD kicks in. I have more immediate PTSD effects regarding the workplace harassment than either my childhood abuse or sexual assault. There are lots of reasons for that, but it doesn't change the fact that it's trauma and I have PTSD.

So please do not police other people's descriptions of their life experiences. If OP is experiencing PTSD symptoms from her husband's betrayal, and if she considers it traumatic, it is. Her journey does not impact yours in any way. If it triggers you, you have the option of leaving this forum and exploring those feelings in another setting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. How can my husband help me in this? He doesn’t want to discuss anything and just wants to move on. He shuts me out and ignores my pleas for a discussion.

Sounds like he just wants to move on and away from his mistake stat.
How nice for him to have that ability.

Yet not so easy for you.
He should be more sympathetic to your feelings.
Since he is not, leaving him is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Let's see how many people support his moving on. Tell his family. Tell one and all about the cheating. Broadcast it on the radio.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To those objecting to OP's use of the words trauma and PTSD: please recall that trauma is compounding. You do not know what experiences OP had before this event.

I have PTSD from a workplace harassment event about 10 years ago. If I described it to you, you might say "that's not trauma." But what you might not understand is that I also have trauma from childhood abuse and from a sexual assault in my 20s. The workplace harassment triggered memories and associations with those traumas. I can objectively look at those earlier traumas and say that they were more violent, more upsetting events than the workplace harassment. But my brain does not make that distinction when my PTSD kicks in. I have more immediate PTSD effects regarding the workplace harassment than either my childhood abuse or sexual assault. There are lots of reasons for that, but it doesn't change the fact that it's trauma and I have PTSD.

So please do not police other people's descriptions of their life experiences. If OP is experiencing PTSD symptoms from her husband's betrayal, and if she considers it traumatic, it is. Her journey does not impact yours in any way. If it triggers you, you have the option of leaving this forum and exploring those feelings in another setting.

+1 million.

[Anonymous]

I wish women would realize the man going to so called "therapy" is only doing so to stay married. OP he moved on long before he cheated I'm afraid, and apparently has character issues.

I don't know your finances etc. but I would plan for a future without him. You can't force him to change or feel something he doesn't. In fact you're wasting your time. At this point put yourself first, your self esteem and stop caring about his lack of empathy. He's shown you who he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP. When I sought therapy after discovering my husband had a double life for 4.5 years, my therapist told me I was suffering all of the classic signs of PTSD and my treatment would be similar. He did say it was a “trauma” and it is treated through “trauma counseling”.

So, OP, I would find a good trauma therapist. You should also be in couples therapy.

Your husband’s behavior is concerning though. Mine never blamed me or refused to let me talk and ask questions as much as I wanted—and he answered them. He is still in his own individual therapy.

Good luck. It sounds like either he has a lot of shame and it hurts too much to go there or he doesn’t really have remorse. It should be his job to do anything to help you heal. If he’s not willing to do that, you will need to make some decisions.

He says he had a dark time and had a mental break. He is trying to move forward and feel like everything is ok and when I keep bringing up the affair it takes him back to a bad place. Idk.

We all have bad times, in no way would most ever think to cheat. Sorry OP he's not sorry, and from all your posted he's likely going to do it again. For some reason it wasn't a big deal to him. That should tell you everything you need to know. He's not a good person.

He's trying to deflect and blame you by saying you're "playing games". I would probably go to a lawyer and file divorce, you won't be able to fix this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.

Wow. Do yourself a favor and leave now.

DaRVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s a classic abuse tactic. He’s not the bad guy for cheating - you’re the bad guy for making him feel bad about it.


Has he said, “I already told you I’m sorry; what else do you want from me?” That’s a classic!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.

He's a narcissist. Dump this jerk.

And to the pedantic PPs, stop threadjacking.

+1 and + 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish women would realize the man going to so called "therapy" is only doing so to stay married. OP he moved on long before he cheated I'm afraid, and apparently has character issues.

I don't know your finances etc. but I would plan for a future without him. You can't force him to change or feel something he doesn't. In fact you're wasting your time. At this point put yourself first, your self esteem and stop caring about his lack of empathy. He's shown you who he is.

No. Some start before they even expose the affair. No man or woman is going to regularly attend individual therapy every week without even being asked if he/she didn’t want to change.

Men or women cheaters dragged into couples’ therapy against their will are another story. I agree with you there.