Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..

[Anonymous]

Why don't tell her you will sacrifice your career -- at least part time, or settle for not advancing in your job -- to do most of the child-rearing? Why is it a given that she will be doing these things? How much of a discussion have you really had?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would pray on it and seek answers from god. He will guide you.

Michelle Duggar, is that you?

[Anonymous]

Every guy I have ever dated knows from about date #2 that I don't want children. That way we do not waste each other's time. I've known that since I was about 11. I am now 42 and nope -- no kids!

[Anonymous]

I fully expected OP to say he is 26. Sounds really immature.

[Anonymous]

OP, you do know that men now are hiring surrogates to bear them a child, right? And, it is becoming more common for men to adopt children -- from foster care or privately. If you really want to be a parent then man up and start your parenting responsibility! Or were you expecting the woman do it all?

[Anonymous]

I do think that men (perhaps unknowingly) expect women to do it all. I think a lot of men really just want to marry their mothers.

[Anonymous]

OP -- have you talked with your HR department to see what your parental leave looks like? If you agree with your much-loved partner to take over most of the parenting while she goes back to work full-time at 6 weeks post-partum then maybe you two can come to an agreement.

Do you have all your assets confirmed so you can stay home full-time or part-time? (These are things woemn must consider; so you should too.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you do know that men now are hiring surrogates to bear them a child, right? And, it is becoming more common for men to adopt children -- from foster care or privately. If you really want to be a parent then man up and start your parenting responsibility! Or were you expecting the woman do it all?

The girlfriend here is a big girl who is using her words. She doesn't want children. She doesn't want to be responsible for a child. A man could do all the heavy lifting of the day to day parenting but at the end of the day, both the mother and father have responsibilities when they are parents. Suggesting that the girlfriend wants something different than what she said - that she actually wants a committed co parent and surprise! wants kids after all - is to dismiss her valid feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how much babysitting have you done?

OP here. None but many people want and have kids with no previous babysitting or being around young kids. Why does that even matter? I fail to see your logic.

It sounds like only one of you knows what they’re getting into. Men often are unpleasantly surprised by the tedium of parenthood and cope by checking out and leaving all the work for the mom. Seems like you have a smart girlfriend.

I'm a mom and love it. I hated babysitting. They are completely different experiences.

And I never babysat an infant, yet adjusted to life with an infant just fine despite that lack of experience. That's not an unusual circumstance especially for people without younger siblings.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a DW of 20+ year good marriage with two teenagers.

I had never wanted kids, and had worked for years to develop my dream career, which was also taking off, so I was pretty doubled-down on my position. The job involved lots of travel so it was also impracticable.

I was madly in love with my BF (now DH).

My BF always wanted kids.

He said, he always wanted kids, and he would only marry someone who wanted kids.

I really had to think about this.

Finally, I said, "FINE. But just ONE. And that kid is going to be in daycare; I'm not giving up my career..."

Anyways he proposed, we got married, we got pregnant, and then I started reading up on stuff that basically made me realize that I couldn't really continue my traveling career with an infant, and how important bonding was, and breastfeeding was, etc. And I realized that I didn't want to straddle my highly demanding career and also try and raise a little human, and I also didn't want to outsource to a nanny.

So I ended up being a SAHM. Which I know is an anathema to many DCUMers, and I'm not saying it's the right solution for all, but it was the right solution for me. And because it's anonymous, I will also say that I think I'm a really good mom.

So to your point, just lay out your boundary. It's her choice. If she knows she needs to choose between being with you and being childless, and she really needs to contemplate that, then she will do the required mental work involved and come to a decision, one way or another.

You need a time limit on these things, or you'll wait 20 years. Give her a reasonable time limit, maybe 3 or 6 months, to think and decide.

And she will decide, and you will either marry or move on.

(And if you marry, when your kid is a teenager and giving you both total smack, expect your DW to privately say to you, "Why did we do this??? This wasn't my idea!!") many times...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a DW of 20+ year good marriage with two teenagers.

I had never wanted kids, and had worked for years to develop my dream career, which was also taking off, so I was pretty doubled-down on my position. The job involved lots of travel so it was also impracticable.

I was madly in love with my BF (now DH).

My BF always wanted kids.

He said, he always wanted kids, and he would only marry someone who wanted kids.

I really had to think about this.

Finally, I said, "FINE. But just ONE. And that kid is going to be in daycare; I'm not giving up my career..."

Anyways he proposed, we got married, we got pregnant, and then I started reading up on stuff that basically made me realize that I couldn't really continue my traveling career with an infant, and how important bonding was, and breastfeeding was, etc. And I realized that I didn't want to straddle my highly demanding career and also try and raise a little human, and I also didn't want to outsource to a nanny.

So I ended up being a SAHM. Which I know is an anathema to many DCUMers, and I'm not saying it's the right solution for all, but it was the right solution for me. And because it's anonymous, I will also say that I think I'm a really good mom.

So to your point, just lay out your boundary. It's her choice. If she knows she needs to choose between being with you and being childless, and she really needs to contemplate that, then she will do the required mental work involved and come to a decision, one way or another.

You need a time limit on these things, or you'll wait 20 years. Give her a reasonable time limit, maybe 3 or 6 months, to think and decide.

And she will decide, and you will either marry or move on.

(And if you marry, when your kid is a teenager and giving you both total smack, expect your DW to privately say to you, "Why did we do this??? This wasn't my idea!!") many times...

Just wtf? Is this supposed to be a cute little story? She doesn't want a kid. She's 32. Why is it so hard for you to accep that some women do actually know their own mind and don't capitulate to the whims of men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how much babysitting have you done?

OP here. None but many people want and have kids with no previous babysitting or being around young kids. Why does that even matter? I fail to see your logic.

It sounds like only one of you knows what they’re getting into. Men often are unpleasantly surprised by the tedium of parenthood and cope by checking out and leaving all the work for the mom. Seems like you have a smart girlfriend.

I'm a mom and love it. I hated babysitting. They are completely different experiences.

And I never babysat an infant, yet adjusted to life with an infant just fine despite that lack of experience. That's not an unusual circumstance especially for people without younger siblings.

Oh yes, it's definitely a (worse) different experience. You are responsible for the child 24/7.  The way I saw it was if babysitting this child requires that much work, Can you imagine having my own child? Kids are cute tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how much babysitting have you done?

OP here. None but many people want and have kids with no previous babysitting or being around young kids. Why does that even matter? I fail to see your logic.

It sounds like only one of you knows what they’re getting into. Men often are unpleasantly surprised by the tedium of parenthood and cope by checking out and leaving all the work for the mom. Seems like you have a smart girlfriend.

I'm a mom and love it. I hated babysitting. They are completely different experiences.

And I never babysat an infant, yet adjusted to life with an infant just fine despite that lack of experience. That's not an unusual circumstance especially for people without younger siblings.

Oh yes, it's definitely a (worse) different experience. You are responsible for the child 24/7.  The way I saw it was if babysitting this child requires that much work, Can you imagine having my own child? Kids are cute tho.

Opposite experience for me. The joys of parenting outweigh all the tedious work in a way that is never rewarded when babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't tell her you will sacrifice your career -- at least part time, or settle for not advancing in your job -- to do most of the child-rearing? Why is it a given that she will be doing these things? How much of a discussion have you really had?

I would never have a conversation like this. If she changes her mind now, and you have a child together and she later resents that, or she changes her mind later and refuses to have kids several years into the marriage ("well, I DID tell you I didn't want kids way back when, you should have known my true feelings") - well, either way you get unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

There's no need to pick apart and play gotcha with OP's semantics.

You will be doing each other a favor if you break up now. A lifetime of resentment awaits you both if you don't.

That or kicking the can for a while so you can break up and both be freshly single when you're a few years older and fatter down the road.