Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..

[Anonymous]

Op its a deal breaker. If she knows she doesn't want kids, that is not going to change.

She isn't trying to downplay her commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think that men (perhaps unknowingly) expect women to do it all. I think a lot of men really just want to marry their mothers.

So true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a DW of 20+ year good marriage with two teenagers.

I had never wanted kids, and had worked for years to develop my dream career, which was also taking off, so I was pretty doubled-down on my position. The job involved lots of travel so it was also impracticable.

I was madly in love with my BF (now DH).

My BF always wanted kids.

He said, he always wanted kids, and he would only marry someone who wanted kids.

I really had to think about this.

Finally, I said, "FINE. But just ONE. And that kid is going to be in daycare; I'm not giving up my career..."

Anyways he proposed, we got married, we got pregnant, and then I started reading up on stuff that basically made me realize that I couldn't really continue my traveling career with an infant, and how important bonding was, and breastfeeding was, etc. And I realized that I didn't want to straddle my highly demanding career and also try and raise a little human, and I also didn't want to outsource to a nanny.

So I ended up being a SAHM. Which I know is an anathema to many DCUMers, and I'm not saying it's the right solution for all, but it was the right solution for me. And because it's anonymous, I will also say that I think I'm a really good mom.

So to your point, just lay out your boundary. It's her choice. If she knows she needs to choose between being with you and being childless, and she really needs to contemplate that, then she will do the required mental work involved and come to a decision, one way or another.

You need a time limit on these things, or you'll wait 20 years. Give her a reasonable time limit, maybe 3 or 6 months, to think and decide.

And she will decide, and you will either marry or move on.

(And if you marry, when your kid is a teenager and giving you both total smack, expect your DW to privately say to you, "Why did we do this??? This wasn't my idea!!") many times...

Just wtf? Is this supposed to be a cute little story? She doesn't want a kid. She's 32. Why is it so hard for you to accep that some women do actually know their own mind and don't capitulate to the whims of men.

What do you mean, wtf? I was 32. I didn't want a kid. I didn't capitulate. I CHOSE. Others can choose differently.
I was in the same spot as OP's GF, and I'm advising OP to give her a choice. And let her choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a DW of 20+ year good marriage with two teenagers.

I had never wanted kids, and had worked for years to develop my dream career, which was also taking off, so I was pretty doubled-down on my position. The job involved lots of travel so it was also impracticable.

I was madly in love with my BF (now DH).

My BF always wanted kids.

He said, he always wanted kids, and he would only marry someone who wanted kids.

I really had to think about this.

Finally, I said, "FINE. But just ONE. And that kid is going to be in daycare; I'm not giving up my career..."

Anyways he proposed, we got married, we got pregnant, and then I started reading up on stuff that basically made me realize that I couldn't really continue my traveling career with an infant, and how important bonding was, and breastfeeding was, etc. And I realized that I didn't want to straddle my highly demanding career and also try and raise a little human, and I also didn't want to outsource to a nanny.

So I ended up being a SAHM. Which I know is an anathema to many DCUMers, and I'm not saying it's the right solution for all, but it was the right solution for me. And because it's anonymous, I will also say that I think I'm a really good mom.

So to your point, just lay out your boundary. It's her choice. If she knows she needs to choose between being with you and being childless, and she really needs to contemplate that, then she will do the required mental work involved and come to a decision, one way or another.

You need a time limit on these things, or you'll wait 20 years. Give her a reasonable time limit, maybe 3 or 6 months, to think and decide.

And she will decide, and you will either marry or move on.

(And if you marry, when your kid is a teenager and giving you both total smack, expect your DW to privately say to you, "Why did we do this??? This wasn't my idea!!") many times...

Just wtf? Is this supposed to be a cute little story? She doesn't want a kid. She's 32. Why is it so hard for you to accep that some women do actually know their own mind and don't capitulate to the whims of men.

What do you mean, wtf? I was 32. I didn't want a kid. I didn't capitulate. I CHOSE. Others can choose differently.
I was in the same spot as OP's GF, and I'm advising OP to give her a choice. And let her choose.

Choose between what exactly? She chose already- she doesn’t want kids. Why would OP want to have a child with someone who only said yes to a kid to stay with him? And why would someone want their child to have a parent who didn’t want them? This is selfish all around. Breakup and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a DW of 20+ year good marriage with two teenagers.

I had never wanted kids, and had worked for years to develop my dream career, which was also taking off, so I was pretty doubled-down on my position. The job involved lots of travel so it was also impracticable.

I was madly in love with my BF (now DH).

My BF always wanted kids.

He said, he always wanted kids, and he would only marry someone who wanted kids.

I really had to think about this.

Finally, I said, "FINE. But just ONE. And that kid is going to be in daycare; I'm not giving up my career..."

Anyways he proposed, we got married, we got pregnant, and then I started reading up on stuff that basically made me realize that I couldn't really continue my traveling career with an infant, and how important bonding was, and breastfeeding was, etc. And I realized that I didn't want to straddle my highly demanding career and also try and raise a little human, and I also didn't want to outsource to a nanny.

So I ended up being a SAHM. Which I know is an anathema to many DCUMers, and I'm not saying it's the right solution for all, but it was the right solution for me. And because it's anonymous, I will also say that I think I'm a really good mom.

So to your point, just lay out your boundary. It's her choice. If she knows she needs to choose between being with you and being childless, and she really needs to contemplate that, then she will do the required mental work involved and come to a decision, one way or another.

You need a time limit on these things, or you'll wait 20 years. Give her a reasonable time limit, maybe 3 or 6 months, to think and decide.

And she will decide, and you will either marry or move on.

(And if you marry, when your kid is a teenager and giving you both total smack, expect your DW to privately say to you, "Why did we do this??? This wasn't my idea!!") many times...

Just wtf? Is this supposed to be a cute little story? She doesn't want a kid. She's 32. Why is it so hard for you to accep that some women do actually know their own mind and don't capitulate to the whims of men.

What do you mean, wtf? I was 32. I didn't want a kid. I didn't capitulate. I CHOSE. Others can choose differently.
I was in the same spot as OP's GF, and I'm advising OP to give her a choice. And let her choose.

Choose what. She already chose. You are making it seem like women do;t know their own minds until a man makes it up for them or tha men are prizes to be achieved at all costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I are getting very serious. We have been together for two years and I felt like it was headed in the right direction. She told me yesterday that she has decided she doesn't wants kids. She has some babysitting experience and said she found it tedious and boring. I knew she was always a little unsure but I thought it was more so to not scare me off or seem desperate. She said she does not want to be responsible for another human being. I understand it's big commitment, but I have always been sure I wanted kids. I really love her and want to be with her, but I worry I will grow to resent her down he road for not giving me children. Am I being selfish? Should we breakup?

There is no splitting the difference in half/compromise. Can you be happy if you never have the opportunity to be a father? If the answer is no, does your girlfriend know that this is a dealbreaker? You didn’t know if she was downplaying things with being unsure about kids so make sure you are being clear if you want to have kids. At this point with everyone’s cards on the table, it’s not selfish no matter which side you are on (kids vs no kids) and breaking up allows each person to find love with someone that wants the same things that they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I are getting very serious. We have been together for two years and I felt like it was headed in the right direction. She told me yesterday that she has decided she doesn't wants kids. She has some babysitting experience and said she found it tedious and boring. I knew she was always a little unsure but I thought it was more so to not scare me off or seem desperate. She said she does not want to be responsible for another human being. I understand it's big commitment, but I have always been sure I wanted kids. I really love her and want to be with her, but I worry I will grow to resent her down he road for not giving me children. Am I being selfish? Should we breakup?

There is no splitting the difference in half/compromise. Can you be happy if you never have the opportunity to be a father? If the answer is no, does your girlfriend know that this is a dealbreaker? You didn’t know if she was downplaying things with being unsure about kids so make sure you are being clear if you want to have kids. At this point with everyone’s cards on the table, it’s not selfish no matter which side you are on (kids vs no kids) and breaking up allows each person to find love with someone that wants the same things that they want.

+100. The second best response in this thread. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to break up. This is a deal breaker.

Let me tell you what I can happen in real life--this is my story:

At the beginning of dating I said I don't think I wanted kids.
A huge fight ensued a bit after that in which he said he wanted only one child and that kid would go to daycare and his future wife would not be allowed to take a break from working.

I said I would never have his kids.

Pretended the argument did not happen (we were drunk).

Upon getting serious 1 year later or so, I said I still did not think I wanted kids and asked if it was a dealbreaker. He said no.

I accepted a proposal on the basis there would be no kids. I wasn not sure I wanted them to begin with but I certainly did not want them with him and his conditions.

Fast forward. A year after marriage he relentlessly pressured me to get off the pill. Every day nagging. We did not have sex much at all and I did when I was sick on antibotics because I was so sick I was sleeping at the late time I normally took them. Also, he kept saying the pill made me crazy and wanted me off it.

That is when he pressured me to have sex and refused to use a condom. I told him I did not want to get pregnant. He said it would not happen one time. I was only not on the pill for 3 days. I was too tired to argue and hoped it would not result in a pregnancy. I was in my mid-30s.

Guess what? One time got me pregnant. It killed any feelings for him whatsoever. I wanted to leave but felt guillty. He later said he "changed his mind about having a kid." I felt duped. I was honest upfront. He pressured me into doing what he wanted without any regard to my feelings or our agreement. The marriage went into a nosedive immediately upon the pregnancy and never recovered. I "stayed for the kid" for eight more miserable years.

I am finally divorced.

Resentment does not even begin to describe my feelings toward him. I did not want to spend 18 years raising a child. I have not been able to do what I wanted because of it. I love my kid but I know I would have been happier never getting pregnant. Career trajectory stalled. I preferred my pre-baby body (it is good but will never be what it was). I don't enjoy parenting. I find some moments of joy but not nearly enough. It is a lot of sacfrice and I knew it was not something I wanted to do, especially in that particular marriage.

If she does not want kids and you want kids, you are not compatible for marriage. End of story.

This is a deal breaker. Get out now. It is not fair to either of you to compromise what you want in life.

Woah. Why are you laying all the blame at your ex-husband’s feet? Own the choices you made!

[Anonymous]

It’s a deal breaker and it’s ok. You want different things from life.

[Anonymous]

You will resent her. Those are fundamental differences that of course you should break up for.

She is 32. If you get married within a year, you will want to start trying to have kids. No need to wait until 34, 35, 36, 37 and find out you or her has infertility issues.

Just make sure she is dead set on not having kids. Frankly, I was career oriented and never liked kids. I found them boring. I got married at 32. I wasn't sure I was ready to make all the sacrifices of becoming a mother. My husband pushed me and we tried to get pregnant, had to go through infertility testing and two rounds of IVF. Even after I got pregnant, I wasn't sure I was going to handle childcare well enough. Gave birth shortly before turning 36. Childcare has been tough but childcare is not enjoyable. Sleepless nights, the tediousness, the repetition. But happily, I found that I still didn't enjoy other people's kids, but was infatuated, amazed, in love with my child. It was just an amazing feeling to see the child develop from a baby into a toddler into a preschooler. I enjoyed being a mom so much we went for kid number two.

I always assumed I was going to have kids, then in my 20s and until I had them I wasn't sure if I would be caring enough, patient enough, sacrificial enough of a mom. But I didn't want "not have kids". So try to see if what your GF fears, to see if they are fears you can solve together. If they are not and she's 100% sure about no kids, please don't get married. Having a child versus not is not something one party can sacrifice and the couple can overcome successfully. Resentment is guaranteed and will ultimately break up the couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to break up. This is a deal breaker.

Let me tell you what I can happen in real life--this is my story:

At the beginning of dating I said I don't think I wanted kids.
A huge fight ensued a bit after that in which he said he wanted only one child and that kid would go to daycare and his future wife would not be allowed to take a break from working.

I said I would never have his kids.

Pretended the argument did not happen (we were drunk).

Upon getting serious 1 year later or so, I said I still did not think I wanted kids and asked if it was a dealbreaker. He said no.

I accepted a proposal on the basis there would be no kids. I wasn not sure I wanted them to begin with but I certainly did not want them with him and his conditions.

Fast forward. A year after marriage he relentlessly pressured me to get off the pill. Every day nagging. We did not have sex much at all and I did when I was sick on antibotics because I was so sick I was sleeping at the late time I normally took them. Also, he kept saying the pill made me crazy and wanted me off it.

That is when he pressured me to have sex and refused to use a condom. I told him I did not want to get pregnant. He said it would not happen one time. I was only not on the pill for 3 days. I was too tired to argue and hoped it would not result in a pregnancy. I was in my mid-30s.

Guess what? One time got me pregnant. It killed any feelings for him whatsoever. I wanted to leave but felt guillty. He later said he "changed his mind about having a kid." I felt duped. I was honest upfront. He pressured me into doing what he wanted without any regard to my feelings or our agreement. The marriage went into a nosedive immediately upon the pregnancy and never recovered. I "stayed for the kid" for eight more miserable years.

I am finally divorced.

Resentment does not even begin to describe my feelings toward him. I did not want to spend 18 years raising a child. I have not been able to do what I wanted because of it. I love my kid but I know I would have been happier never getting pregnant. Career trajectory stalled. I preferred my pre-baby body (it is good but will never be what it was). I don't enjoy parenting. I find some moments of joy but not nearly enough. It is a lot of sacfrice and I knew it was not something I wanted to do, especially in that particular marriage.

If she does not want kids and you want kids, you are not compatible for marriage. End of story.

This is a deal breaker. Get out now. It is not fair to either of you to compromise what you want in life.

Woah. Why are you laying all the blame at your ex-husband’s feet? Own the choices you made!

The bad choice I made was getting married.
The bad choice he made was insisting we have sex without birth control when I explicitly said, “No, I do not want to get pregnant.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think that men (perhaps unknowingly) expect women to do it all. I think a lot of men really just want to marry their mothers.

So true!

OP here. I do more than her. I cook, clean, and handle all of the grocery shopping. She does some cleaning that I hate but I do most of it. I don't expect her or any other woman to do everything for me. I can take care of myself and handle my own things.

My girlfriend said she was unsure if she wanted kids. It was never a no until Friday. For two years she said she was unsure and at times said she could see herself being a mom. She gushed over her friends baby and told me she sometimes thinks she wants that. She decided she no longer does. I can't control that and I won't force her to have a child she doesn't want to have. It sucks because I love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you guys?

OP here. She is 32 and I'm 37.

Sorry OP, but this is a dealbreaker. If you know you want children you need to find someone that also wants them. Don't delude yourself that she will come around or may change her mind. She may even THINK she will change her mind because she won't want to lose you, but that will end badly.

If you are a 32 year old woman in a fairly serious relationship, you know whether you want kids or not. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Bump. Update from OP?