Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..

[Anonymous]

It’s definitely not selfish for this to potentially be a dealbreaker for you and you should talk to her about it. It’s very hard, but has to be actively addressed head on. I’m surprised by all the nanny experiences shared. I was also a nanny, now am a mother, for me they were wildly different experiences though there is no way around how much work parenting is, but the worth and wanting to do it feels so incredibly different (to me) once it was my own. That being said, like others have said you can’t convince someone to want this unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

OP how much babysitting have you done?

[Anonymous]

You should break up and find someone whose life goals align with yours.

I didn't want kids, ever. I have two. I hate being a mother. We have a nanny and DH is the "main parent" with the "mental responsibility". I love our kids but hate parenting. My heart sinks when DH has to go out of town for work. I hate weekends when we have no plans (I'm better with them out of the house).

You can't stay with her, unless having a dog will satisfy you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I are getting very serious. We have been together for two years and I felt like it was headed in the right direction. She told me yesterday that she has decided she doesn't wants kids. She has some babysitting experience and said she found it tedious and boring. I knew she was always a little unsure but I thought it was more so to not scare me off or seem desperate. She said she does not want to be responsible for another human being. I understand it's big commitment, but I have always been sure I wanted kids. I really love her and want to be with her, but I worry I will grow to resent her down he road for not giving me children. Am I being selfish? Should we breakup?

You're not being selfish at all - if you know you want kids and she knows she doesn't then you are not right for each other.

But the bolded is interesting to me - you have "always been sure" you wanted kids, but you thought she was lying about not being sure whether she wanted kids to avoid scaring you off? Did she know you were sure you wanted kids? Doesn't sound like it. Were you just performing a role for her as the guy who needs convincing to settle down, and assuming she was doing the same as the cool girl who can't be bothered?

OP here. I told her I wanted marriage and kids but I wasn't looking for an immediate commitment. I would like those down the road and I wasn't in a rush. I wanted to wait for the tight person. She said she was unsure about kids but definitely wanted to wait. Some women will say they are unsure or not super serious about having a commitment, but they do want one. They say that to not look desperate. I've known many women who have done that.

l


I don't know any women who lie about wanting/not wanting kids, as the bulk of the responsibility for children falls on the woman, that's one thing their pretty clear on.

OP here. I'm not saying they lied. I was saying many women will say they don't want a commitment right away when they do. I have known and dated women who said they were fine with seeing how things go and moving slowly, but it quickly turned into marriage talk. I didn't know if she was playing it cool with wanting to wait, or if she also wanted a faster commitment than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you guys?

OP here. She is 32 and I'm 37.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh Op, I met a guy at the end of last year.  From the beginning, I told him that  I did not want kids. He was like, “oh, it is not a deal-breaker” “I think I want kids, but I am not sure.” Which to me meant, I want to have my kids.  

Anyway, we continued dating. We found ourselves in a situation where we thought we were pregnant. I saw how excited he got while I was so freaked out. Fortunately, it was just a false alarm.
By that time, we were like 7- 8 months in. I decided that best for both was to break up. For us, it was very sad. And it was just 7 months of dating. I still miss him A LOT. I wonder If I ever will meet another sensitive, caring, thoughtful, loving human being like him. But None of us want to give in.
 
I can imagine how hard it can be two years of dating. My reasons are almost the same as your girlfriend. I was a nanny for 5 years. Raising a child IS exhausting, expensive, tedious, and boring. The idea of losing my freedom and my “me time” terrifies me.
I came from a big family. I had to help my mother to raise my siblings. I am done with kids!
On the other hand, he’s an adopted only child. So I understand he wants a family. 

You need to have that serious talk ASAP.  If you both are settled in your decision (like we were), the best thing is to break up. I think for people that want kids, the dating scenario is clearer. For me, it has been hard to meet somebody childfree. A lot of women out there desperately want to have children. You will be fine.

OP here. My girlfriend sounds like you. She also comes from a big family and has babysitting experience. She listed the same reasons as you about not wanting kids. I know I will have to make a decision but it's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP how much babysitting have you done?

OP here. None but many people want and have kids with no previous babysitting or being around young kids. Why does that even matter? I fail to see your logic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I are getting very serious. We have been together for two years and I felt like it was headed in the right direction. She told me yesterday that she has decided she doesn't wants kids. She has some babysitting experience and said she found it tedious and boring. I knew she was always a little unsure but I thought it was more so to not scare me off or seem desperate. She said she does not want to be responsible for another human being. I understand it's big commitment, but I have always been sure I wanted kids. I really love her and want to be with her, but I worry I will grow to resent her down he road for not giving me children. Am I being selfish? Should we breakup?

You're not being selfish at all - if you know you want kids and she knows she doesn't then you are not right for each other.

But the bolded is interesting to me - you have "always been sure" you wanted kids, but you thought she was lying about not being sure whether she wanted kids to avoid scaring you off? Did she know you were sure you wanted kids? Doesn't sound like it. Were you just performing a role for her as the guy who needs convincing to settle down, and assuming she was doing the same as the cool girl who can't be bothered?

OP here. I told her I wanted marriage and kids but I wasn't looking for an immediate commitment. I would like those down the road and I wasn't in a rush. I wanted to wait for the tight person. She said she was unsure about kids but definitely wanted to wait. Some women will say they are unsure or not super serious about having a commitment, but they do want one. They say that to not look desperate. I've known many women who have done that.

l


I don't know any women who lie about wanting/not wanting kids, as the bulk of the responsibility for children falls on the woman, that's one thing their pretty clear on.

OP here. I'm not saying they lied. I was saying many women will say they don't want a commitment right away when they do. I have known and dated women who said they were fine with seeing how things go and moving slowly, but it quickly turned into marriage talk. I didn't know if she was playing it cool with wanting to wait, or if she also wanted a faster commitment than I do.

Yes, you did say they lied. You didn’t use the word “lied.” But you definitely indicated that you perceived what they said as a lie: Some women will say they are unsure or not super serious about having a commitment, but they do want one. They say that to not look desperate. I've known many women who have done that.. When someone says X knowing that they want/feel Y, that’s lying.

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP how much babysitting have you done?

You know most people who have kids never been around or had little to do with children, right? This makes no difference in deciding whether he wants a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I are getting very serious. We have been together for two years and I felt like it was headed in the right direction. She told me yesterday that she has decided she doesn't wants kids. She has some babysitting experience and said she found it tedious and boring. I knew she was always a little unsure but I thought it was more so to not scare me off or seem desperate. She said she does not want to be responsible for another human being. I understand it's big commitment, but I have always been sure I wanted kids. I really love her and want to be with her, but I worry I will grow to resent her down he road for not giving me children. Am I being selfish? Should we breakup?

You're not being selfish at all - if you know you want kids and she knows she doesn't then you are not right for each other.

But the bolded is interesting to me - you have "always been sure" you wanted kids, but you thought she was lying about not being sure whether she wanted kids to avoid scaring you off? Did she know you were sure you wanted kids? Doesn't sound like it. Were you just performing a role for her as the guy who needs convincing to settle down, and assuming she was doing the same as the cool girl who can't be bothered?

OP here. I told her I wanted marriage and kids but I wasn't looking for an immediate commitment. I would like those down the road and I wasn't in a rush. I wanted to wait for the tight person. She said she was unsure about kids but definitely wanted to wait. Some women will say they are unsure or not super serious about having a commitment, but they do want one. They say that to not look desperate. I've known many women who have done that.

l


I don't know any women who lie about wanting/not wanting kids, as the bulk of the responsibility for children falls on the woman, that's one thing their pretty clear on.

OP here. I'm not saying they lied. I was saying many women will say they don't want a commitment right away when they do. I have known and dated women who said they were fine with seeing how things go and moving slowly, but it quickly turned into marriage talk. I didn't know if she was playing it cool with wanting to wait, or if she also wanted a faster commitment than I do.

Yes, you did say they lied. You didn’t use the word “lied.” But you definitely indicated that you perceived what they said as a lie: Some women will say they are unsure or not super serious about having a commitment, but they do want one. They say that to not look desperate. I've known many women who have done that.. When someone says X knowing that they want/feel Y, that’s lying.

Grow up.

Someone is butt hurt. Did you trick your husband into marrying you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how much babysitting have you done?

OP here. None but many people want and have kids with no previous babysitting or being around young kids. Why does that even matter? I fail to see your logic.

It sounds like only one of you knows what they’re getting into. Men often are unpleasantly surprised by the tedium of parenthood and cope by checking out and leaving all the work for the mom. Seems like you have a smart girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how much babysitting have you done?

You know most people who have kids never been around or had little to do with children, right? This makes no difference in deciding whether he wants a family.

It makes a huge difference in if his belief he wants kids has any factual basis.

[Anonymous]

It’s a shame you didn’t respect her enough to believe what she said before 2 years had passed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I are getting very serious. We have been together for two years and I felt like it was headed in the right direction. She told me yesterday that she has decided she doesn't wants kids. She has some babysitting experience and said she found it tedious and boring. I knew she was always a little unsure but I thought it was more so to not scare me off or seem desperate. She said she does not want to be responsible for another human being. I understand it's big commitment, but I have always been sure I wanted kids. I really love her and want to be with her, but I worry I will grow to resent her down he road for not giving me children. Am I being selfish? Should we breakup?

You're not being selfish at all - if you know you want kids and she knows she doesn't then you are not right for each other.

But the bolded is interesting to me - you have "always been sure" you wanted kids, but you thought she was lying about not being sure whether she wanted kids to avoid scaring you off? Did she know you were sure you wanted kids? Doesn't sound like it. Were you just performing a role for her as the guy who needs convincing to settle down, and assuming she was doing the same as the cool girl who can't be bothered?

OP here. I told her I wanted marriage and kids but I wasn't looking for an immediate commitment. I would like those down the road and I wasn't in a rush. I wanted to wait for the tight person. She said she was unsure about kids but definitely wanted to wait. Some women will say they are unsure or not super serious about having a commitment, but they do want one. They say that to not look desperate. I've known many women who have done that.

l


I don't know any women who lie about wanting/not wanting kids, as the bulk of the responsibility for children falls on the woman, that's one thing their pretty clear on.

OP here. I'm not saying they lied. I was saying many women will say they don't want a commitment right away when they do. I have known and dated women who said they were fine with seeing how things go and moving slowly, but it quickly turned into marriage talk. I didn't know if she was playing it cool with wanting to wait, or if she also wanted a faster commitment than I do.

Yes, you did say they lied. You didn’t use the word “lied.” But you definitely indicated that you perceived what they said as a lie: Some women will say they are unsure or not super serious about having a commitment, but they do want one. They say that to not look desperate. I've known many women who have done that.. When someone says X knowing that they want/feel Y, that’s lying.

Grow up.

Someone is butt hurt. Did you trick your husband into marrying you?

DP, but OP clearly stated several times that he assumed his girlfriend was lying about her preferences in order to play it cool (and lure him in, apparently) and now is trying to hide behind semantics when he realizes how that makes him look. I'm shocked he's 37, I was expecting 24-26.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are entitled to have the life of a Father. You are entitled to choose as your partner, the best match, a woman who wants a family.

Loving someone does not obligate you to make them your lifelong partner.

You need to end this and move on.