a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she’s a valued friend, call her and talk to her about how her email affected you. Try to work through it- these are such tense times. A lot of people are behaving in unexpected ways. I think it would be good to let her know she hurt your feelings. From an outsider’s perspective, it seems like she’s second-guessing herself, her choices, and putting it on you. Good luck, OP.

I agree with this. If she really is a close friend, then I'd give her some grace and see if you can smooth things over. Her email may have been a cry for help. I know some of my friends have been on the brink lately, as have I. These are tough times and I think a lot of people aren't at their best right now.

[Anonymous]

If she's a really close friend I call her up and see how the party went, and address the email as it came up organically.

If she's someone I generally like but am not particularly close with, I would ignore and maybe bring it up jokingly next time I see her. Not responding rudely would be my version of grace, because the email was out of line.

If I didn't care about seeing her again I'd probably reply "Interesting." or "Your concern has been noted."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A close friend invited DS to a small Halloween party at their house last week. DS has been feeling under the weather on and off so I decided that he shouldn't attend. Plus, with the Covid numbers skyrocketing in our area, I figured it would be best to sit this one out. I let my friend know and she seemed to take it just fine. Well, a few days later, she sent me a long email basically saying that maybe my kid hasn't been feeling well because I keep him home too much and, "according to research," isolation causes anxiety in children. And, she tossed in, it seems like I've been too focused on work. I can't tell if she was being passive-aggressive or not but it's left a bad taste in my mouth.

I was pretty blindsided by this. I never responded to her email. I really don't know where the heck this came from and the last thing I need is to get into an email argument with someone. My kid has had allergies, not emotional problems caused by mom trying to be caution during Covid and wanting to keep her job. (Are we back in the 1950s here?)

She's told me about arguments she's had on Facebook with friends over Covid and school. Perhaps she was looking to start up with me, too. We've been good friends for so long. I really don't know why she threw this monkey wrench into our friendship. She's one of the few people we've seen in person since Covid started. Let this roll off my shoulders and thank her kindly for the advice and move on?

She's not being passive aggressive. She's being aggressive aggressive. She's saying rude stuff to your face. Tell her to F off.

[Anonymous]

Yeah she's an idiot with too much time on her hands. It sounds like she's being defensive of her own stupid choices and/or just looking for drama. I would not respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s a valued friend, call her and talk to her about how her email affected you. Try to work through it- these are such tense times. A lot of people are behaving in unexpected ways. I think it would be good to let her know she hurt your feelings. From an outsider’s perspective, it seems like she’s second-guessing herself, her choices, and putting it on you. Good luck, OP.

+1

Get off email, call her up, say "what the heck?" I bet there are other things going on and she needs a friend and just handled it poorly.

If she's not a valued friend, it's a very different email.

Agree. Don't email her back. Either ignore it or call her. If you call, I would not say "what the heck". I would ask some polite questions asking her how the party went and just express the sentiment that you regret Larlo was unable to attend. If she gets hostile or accusatory or passive aggressive about isolation, I would say something like "yes, you mentioned that in your email. thank you for letting me know". If she then continues to push it I would say something like, "Susie, I appreciate your point of view, but DH and I making the decisions that are best for our family. Hope we can get together for Halloween next year. Are you going to the PTA meeting next week?"

If she can't respect your boundaries, then you need to freeze her out. Wanting to keep in touch with her after that inappropriate comment is charitable on your part, IMHO.

[Anonymous]

She is not a friend.

Ignore and move on.

Another bad thing from this country’s awful response to Covid.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing, OP. Can you imagine the blowback if you sent a sick kid to a party? Not to mention, who wants to go to a party when you're not feeling well? I don't.

You could always write back something like, "These are trying times -- I certainly don't want to send a sick kid to a party and make folks uncomfortable. I am happy to discuss your concerns by phone if you want to chat... just give me a call. Hope the party went well and we'll catch up soon."

[Anonymous]

Eek. Honestly, she doesn't sound like she has the best judgement. A halloween party this year? Not cool. But I digress...

Take your time, let both sides cool off and get through this (universally) stressful week. Then, re-assess the relationship. If you end up deciding that you'd like to stay friends, chat on the phone and let her know your reasoning for declining the party. If not, just move on with your life and be civil and kind if/when you do interact with her in the future.

I'm not up for these types of high maintenance friendships in adulthood. I love my friends and I trust that if they cancel plans, it's for a good reason. We all have a lot on our plates and no time or energy for this kind of stuff.

[Anonymous]

Probably no one showed up to her party and she's mad. (Why would anyone throw a party during a pandemic? Is she a freshman in college?)

[Anonymous]

If she is truly a good friend, I don't think ghosting is ok. Sometimes friends have disagreements and sometimes one or both friends don't handle it well. Things like this should be put into the context of the entire friendship. I'd respond briefly along the lines of: "I was surprised to see your email. I've already explained to you why my son wasn't able to attend the party, not sure why you're turning this into something else. Hope everything is ok on your end."

If this person isn't a good friend, I'd ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally speaking, people right now aren't at their best.

If you have it in you to extend her some grace, then I would reply and say: "I appreciate your concern and I know it's coming from a good place. I am doing what I think is best for my family and I know you are doing what's best for yours. I value our friendship, and hope to continue seeing you throughout the winter."

Best response so far, especially if you value her friendship. My bff said something sucky to me once. I found out later that something else was going on in her life. I never forgot how she made me feel, but I forgave her and try not to dwell on it. She is still a valued friend.

[Anonymous]

"Sorry, I just didn't want your friends mistaking that my kid's allergies were us bringing covid to your party. Perception is everything these days."

[Anonymous]

If you value her friendship, call. Text/email is not good in terms of determining tone and writing back and forth will make things worse. We all have our bad days.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a he’s feeling defensive about her own choices, probably because somebody pointed out some things that she had no answer for, so to make herself feel justified, she’s shaming you.

If she’s also fighting with people on Facebook, she’s surely been having to defend herself and her choices a lot lately, and going on the offensive for a change makes her feel in control, and in the right. It might help to think about whether this kind of drama is a pattern with her, or if it’s truly limited to the COVID situation.

But ultimately, the question is whether she’s a good enough friend to call up and say, “Hey, this email doesn’t sound like you at all. Is everything OK?”, then really listen to her answer. Or whether the friendship is, overall, more work than talking things out would really be worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your response is total silence. Forever. There is no excuse for that.

I don't understand why you and others are suggesting no response. Won't that make things weird(er) later?

Respond so she knows where you stand. Assert a boundary.