I am livid - Unreliable father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many jobs is the new wife working?

The new wife and her working has nothing to do with anything.

Of course it does She needs to be earning enough to support her child! Does she expect to be on welfare?

PP, you must be the 2nd wife who wants her new husband to not support his 1st child.

[Anonymous]

What an absolute loser and jerk. I think I wouldn't take his phone calls. If it's important he'll leave a voicemail.

[Anonymous]

His pregnant wife didn't know he was bringing her back? Does he not communicate with his new wife? I don't see that relationship lasting long.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you and your dd are having to deal with such a hurtful situation. I deal with something similar and I know the pain you feel as her mother. I just want you to know that you are a good mother and the day will come where your dd will have her own understanding of her father and how you were always her constant.

Ignore the haters. I notice that posts by divorced women make the misogynists come out of the wood work. Unfortunately, some of them are women themselves. Keep up the good work, Mama!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- For those saying im a horrible mother not trying to foster a relationship with my daughter’s dad because of my reaction to this, ughh! We have been separated since she was 2, i have always had an open door policy for him, he used to come and get DD in my house on weekends til new wife said she wasn't comfortable with how good my relationship was with my ex, as her parents got divorced and never spoke to each other, so she didnt want him to enter my house to pick up DD, so he would wait outside and call for her to come out, which was ridiculous but I let it slide. I find it weird to randomly call the wife when she was never formally introduced to me, we dont live in the same state and she has never made an effort to know me. Both times I met her are because I went to visit when they had a baby so I could meet the baby and introduce myself. I have done nothing less but try go support and nurture DD’s relationship with him despite numerous visit cancelations,ect. In addition, the child support he gives is minimal and i have been giving him 50% of it back every month as he kept saying it was hard for him having a wife, baby and still paying that amount yadi yada ($850) because his new job pays less money, ect so, every month I wire him back $400 on my own free will. I pay 100% of all my daughters expenses, activities, flights, insurance, needs, extra Cullicular, don’t ask him for anything. Theres been times where he said he didnt have gas money or toll money to drive and get her and I wired him the gas money! There is nothing more to the story or to my relationship or lack thereof with the wife, this is what we’ve been living for 8 years!

Your jealousy is very evident in this post.

Jealousy?!? Are you crazy? All I could think is good riddance. He sounds like a man child that can't carry his own weight and would be another dependent. How does a grown ass man not have enough money for gas and tolls? What kind of man accepts money from his ex that was intended to support his own child? But yeah, she's jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No I did not speak to the wife, I don’t have a relationship with her, only met her a couple of times. Now I don’t know if im comfortable with her going there, so not going to push the issue now

Maybe how you treat her and the lack of communication is the issue. Reach out to both of them and let them know that daughter was very disappointed in missing her visit with them, would very much like to see them and what can you do to support them to make the visit happen. There is clearly more to this story. You being supportive of her could make a huge difference.

Agree. It's obvious the stepmom is being made the scapegoat here.

"...he cant take DD to his house because his wife is pregnant and didnt know he was bringing DD back with him..." Sorry, but I don't buy this for a minute. Particularly since the child this woman is carrying is half-sibling to her DD.

The fact OP states she has no relationship with this woman is telling as is the fact she indicates she is not comfortable with her daughter going there "now." IMO the OP is looking for reasons to curtail the child's contact with father and prevent any potential relationship with the dreaded stepmother.

OP, if you really want to be the bigger parent then develop a better relationship with "the wife" since your children will be related.

Close family member was "wife" No. 2. And she used to do this to the other kids from "wife" No. 1. She wanted her nuclear family close and that was it. Planned "family" vacations around times when "steps" were still in school, didn't invite "steps" to family holidays, didn't want "steps" around new babies...etc... it was awful. I think it came from a position of insecurity, which she had good reason to be since in due course she became "ex wife No. 2". "Wife" No. 3, added some "steps" to the crew... Most parents want the best for their children, but in situations like this, the best has already left the barn, so you have to make do with the all the giant piles of poo just lying around. Most likely the wife and the ex are both turds... that's how they found each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- For those saying im a horrible mother not trying to foster a relationship with my daughter’s dad because of my reaction to this, ughh! We have been separated since she was 2, i have always had an open door policy for him, he used to come and get DD in my house on weekends til new wife said she wasn't comfortable with how good my relationship was with my ex, as her parents got divorced and never spoke to each other, so she didnt want him to enter my house to pick up DD, so he would wait outside and call for her to come out, which was ridiculous but I let it slide. I find it weird to randomly call the wife when she was never formally introduced to me, we dont live in the same state and she has never made an effort to know me. Both times I met her are because I went to visit when they had a baby so I could meet the baby and introduce myself. I have done nothing less but try go support and nurture DD’s relationship with him despite numerous visit cancelations,ect. In addition, the child support he gives is minimal and i have been giving him 50% of it back every month as he kept saying it was hard for him having a wife, baby and still paying that amount yadi yada ($850) because his new job pays less money, ect so, every month I wire him back $400 on my own free will. I pay 100% of all my daughters expenses, activities, flights, insurance, needs, extra Cullicular, don’t ask him for anything. Theres been times where he said he didnt have gas money or toll money to drive and get her and I wired him the gas money! There is nothing more to the story or to my relationship or lack thereof with the wife, this is what we’ve been living for 8 years!

Your jealousy is very evident in this post.

Jealousy?!? Are you crazy? All I could think is good riddance. He sounds like a man child that can't carry his own weight and would be another dependent. How does a grown ass man not have enough money for gas and tolls? What kind of man accepts money from his ex that was intended to support his own child? But yeah, she's jealous.

Honestly OP sit down and ask yourself why you are being so "nice" you don't owe this person anything, you aren't the wife, you don't need to wire money back, that is your daughter's money, put it in an account for her, it would pay for counseling twice a month, which she will probably need.

Or use the money to build her up.

Put the money in a vacation fund. Have her send Dad "wish you were here" postcards. Pay for music lessons. Save it up for a semester abroad when the time comes. Try to make the best of a bad situation. Give her opportunities and experiences. That is all you can do.

You aren't the wife and all of the things you are doing for him, she should be doing for him. If they can't pull together then that isn't your problem. It isn't your place anymore. You have one responsibility and that is to your child. You didn't break him and you can't fix him. Let him go.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting how this thread zeroed in on the perceived failings of the new wife even more than the father himself.

For those women who are quick to pounce just remember that statistically you just might be the new wife and the dreaded, awful stepmother at some point, too.

Even if you are in your 50s, 60s or 70s when it happens and the kids are in their 30s and 40s, you will still be found at fault in every way possible. Be ready for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting how this thread zeroed in on the perceived failings of the new wife even more than the father himself.

For those women who are quick to pounce just remember that statistically you just might be the new wife and the dreaded, awful stepmother at some point, too.

Even if you are in your 50s, 60s or 70s when it happens and the kids are in their 30s and 40s, you will still be found at fault in every way possible. Be ready for it.

Case in point right here on DCUM on another thread:

"It looks like my widower father (80) might be remarrying. I (his child) am designated as the beneficiary on all of his accounts - savings, life insurance, etc. If he does, indeed, remarry, how can I protect his new wife from taking his funds?"

Notice the inference that the "new wife" is automatically suspect for money grabbing. She may be independently wealthy, she may have absolutely no designs on a single penny of his assets but is still perceived as an evil stepmother-to-be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many jobs is the new wife working?

The new wife and her working has nothing to do with anything.

Of course it does She needs to be earning enough to support her child! Does she expect to be on welfare?

PP, you must be the 2nd wife who wants her new husband to not support his 1st child.

Both parents should be supporting both kids, not just Dad's wife.

The simple solution is to go to the child support office, which is free and file to recalculate child support. Or, go to court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting how this thread zeroed in on the perceived failings of the new wife even more than the father himself.

For those women who are quick to pounce just remember that statistically you just might be the new wife and the dreaded, awful stepmother at some point, too.

Even if you are in your 50s, 60s or 70s when it happens and the kids are in their 30s and 40s, you will still be found at fault in every way possible. Be ready for it.

We don't know the entire situation. We don't even know if this story is true. Maybe its Mom putting up barriers and conditions. Mom can do more. She can reach out and talk to them, offer to meet 1/2 day, and be nice to the child's stepmom. Maybe Mom is really critical or something else and stepmom is tired of it.

[Anonymous]

Stop sending the money back. Keep it for your daughter. He will file for modification if needed.

Try to communicate by text and email. Let him leave voicemails. Respond to the voicemails by text and email. You need to have some distance/boundaries with him. His new wife is helping him set boundaries. You need to set your own.

[Anonymous]

I understand. He sucks. You did the right thing. Thank God for you.

Next time help manage her expectations. Don’t tell her when and for how long he’s coming until right before. And even then it’s “a visit” not “a week”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop sending the money back. Keep it for your daughter. He will file for modification if needed.

Try to communicate by text and email. Let him leave voicemails. Respond to the voicemails by text and email. You need to have some distance/boundaries with him. His new wife is helping him set boundaries. You need to set your own.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone for listening, i needed to vent but feel better. Im grateful that im healthy enough and able to take care of DD on my own and will keep it moving, knowing I can only rely on myself and keep doing what I was doing!

^This statement shows you are NOT healthy. Your daughter has a father yet you are mentally in a state where you intend to highlight his flaws and look for reasons to get him out of your daughter's life. I believe you need therapy. Seriously. Read up about parental alienation and you will find you may be practicing it without even being aware.

The most important thing you can do as a mother is foster and support your child's relationship with her father.

This is such a horrible take. Absolute horsesh*t. OP, ignore this. Bitter crappy dad troll strikes again.

OP, you are a good mom and you're doing a good job while also dealing with the issue that DD's dad is a deadbeat.

Disagree. OP, suggest you read up on the importance of father-daughter relationships. There are plenty of scientific studies which you will find informative. Then seek out a therapist that will help both your daughter and YOU navigate her relationship with her father.

Instead of being defensive be proactive. Your daughter will never fault you if she sees you've done everything you can to help her connect with her father in a positive way no matter his faults.

It's her father's job to connect with his child.

Furthermore, whoever said "but it's her child's half-sibling" is crazy. A vast majority of second wives would have preferred that their husbands had no older children since children compete for limited resources. Particularly if the older child lives elsewhere, the second wife's preferred MO is to pretend that child does not exist.