I am livid - Unreliable father

[Anonymous]

We have been divorced since she was 2, she’s 11now. Dad moved out of state 3 years ago ( 4h drive) and since then doesn’t show up for visits consistently. Havent seen DD in months, been planning to come get her for the past 2 weeks so she can stay there one week. He got here on Sunday, picked her up, then said he stopped by his brother’s house in MD so she can see her cousins, next thing I know he tells me he wants to spend the night there so she can have more time with her cousins and they will leave this afternoon. I get a call this afternoon that he cant take DD to his house because his wife is pregnant and didnt know he was bringing DD back with him, so he has to drop her back with me. I am so angry for DD who has been looking forward to this, packing her bag and telling everyone she is spending the week with her dad. At first I said nope ypu cant bring her back, i have plans, you figure it out! Eventually I asked him to bring her back as I didnt want her to be in a negative environment! I am just so tired of being the bigger parent, feel like cutting off all communication with him and just moving far away with my daughter. I know its not rational but im so angry right now , just needed to vent. My poor DD has been crying for hours

[Anonymous]

so sorry op, it's very tough, but good for you for rising above and being there for your daughter. You're a good mom

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I don’t have any relevant experience or advice, but that must be very painful.

[Anonymous]

The poor girl. I’m sorry for her pain

[Anonymous]

OP I am very sorry.

Best thing you can do. Don't talk about him more than she asks.

Keep things simple and don't disparage him. He's wrecking the relationship all on his own. He will have to be the one to fix it.

You just need to be her shoulder to lean on. Which i know sucks because of him. You can do this, as much as your heart breaks for her, you want her to have a healthy relationships later.

[Anonymous]

Op here- DD is saying shes crying now because its not her dad’s fault and im mad at him and her dad was crying to her and telling her now everybody's saying hes not a good dad, but she thinks he's a good dad and now everybody's saying her dad is not, so that makes her sad! He is emotionally manipulating her, crying to her that hes so sorry he wants to be with her and he loves her, hes a great dad yadi yada

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- DD is saying shes crying now because its not her dad’s fault and im mad at him and her dad was crying to her and telling her now everybody's saying hes not a good dad, but she thinks he's a good dad and now everybody's saying her dad is not, so that makes her sad! He is emotionally manipulating her, crying to her that hes so sorry he wants to be with her and he loves her, hes a great dad yadi yada

You need to relax. He is allowed to cry. She is allowed to cry. Allow her to have a positive image of her father no matter what. She can obviously feel your annoyance of this situation. Embrace her, talk about it and move on.

[Anonymous]

He didn't tell his wife? Come on. Either he's lying to you, or he had no intention of actually doing this visit. He is a terrible father and an idiot.

[Anonymous]

You need to make friends with the new wife so you can have clear communication. Clearly your ex is jerking you and DD around.

Why would a pregnant woman not be cool with her husband's 11 yr old staying for a week, as long as she's quarantined for two weeks?

11 yr old girls are so easy. Cooking, crafts, shopping for baby stuff and organizing, playing board games, going for walks, etc.

[Anonymous]

At this point you should teach your child to expect nothing from this man. Anything he can give will be a pleasant surprise.

And if the new wife is up for it, yes, try to communicate with her. I don't think she will be, but you can try...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to make friends with the new wife so you can have clear communication. Clearly your ex is jerking you and DD around.

Why would a pregnant woman not be cool with her husband's 11 yr old staying for a week, as long as she's quarantined for two weeks?

11 yr old girls are so easy. Cooking, crafts, shopping for baby stuff and organizing, playing board games, going for walks, etc.

Some kids are easy, some not but there is clearly more to this.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your child. And understand your feelings entirely.

Thank God you got rid of him when you did.

I would consider therapy for the child, to try to minimize the damage his treatment is inflicting. If you can afford it To hlep he process her feelings in a healthy way. Good luck.

(You do sound like a good mom, so your daughter has that in her favor. )

[Anonymous]

I have lived this life for 13 years. Luckily DC is so used to plans changing in last minute that he wouldn't even care! I don't get upset anymore. I usually have a backup plan and try to take it easy. Now he is old enough to simply tell his father he'd rather not see him.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar problem with my ex. She wouldn’t work with me to schedule DS visits to me (always last minute and they went from a summer month to week to days) snd when I visited there, she’d schedule every possible appointment for DS when I was there, to interrupt our time. Happened every single trip for years.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. He should not have slept over at his brothers house when his wife is pregnant. He should’ve picked her up and driven her straight back to his house so that his wife doesn’t have the additional exposure of his brothers family.