Am I Being Unrealistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want a guy with a good career, makes at least $150k/year, lives alone, never been married, and no kids. I prefer white men, in shape but not too muscular, no tattoos, no facial hair ( a little stubble is okay), and short hair. My lifestyle is having 2-3 kids and being able to live a comfortable life. We would have money to pay for childcare, family vacations, college, etc.

I married one of those at almost 32. But he expected me to make at least 100k (which I did) and never stop working ever...no break for kids...none except maternity leave (which I took only 6 weeks because my job is demanding). We are divorced. Terrible marriage. You need to think differently. Respect and kindness are not on you list. They should be. If they guy is not respectful or kind, his 150k+ salary is not going to give you the "lifestyle" you want. A guy who makes less who cares about what you want as a family might be a better fit. I was 40% of the household income. The man you think you are looking for often also expect women to do two jobs--raising a family and be a working mom with a stressful job--they will not necessarily want to provide it for you.

Isn't that normal? My DH is a biglaw partner and also would be very opposed to me taking a "break for kids."

Serious question, but what’s the point of a having a partner working all those hours in big law and making all that money if you can’t get off the treadmill ever to take care of your kids when they’re babies? I don’t get it.

Because I’m my own person? And we both take care of our babies? I guess we are both confused...

I am the original PP but not the last one...you are obviously in a different kind of marriage. A lot of men do not take care of their babies. My ex did not lift a finger until the youngest was 6. And I was working full time with a demanding job and a terrible commute. Consider yourself lucky...not typical. That is why a lot of women want a break with babies...a lot of men do not share the load. It is widely published that the labor around childrearing and maintaining a household STILL disproportionately falls to women. It is hard to be two people at once yet that is what many men expect...not like your husband, I guess.

We also hire a lot out. Laundry service, twice a week housekeeper, au pair. Any time we spend not on our kids or our careers is a failure to manage our affairs IMO.

Which is fine for you, if it’s what you prefer, but you must know that most people don’t want to limit their range of experience to just those two things. My husband and I are managing our affairs just fine with me working part time and doing our laundry, cooking our own food, and cleaning things up. My life isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m the only one who has to enjoy it. Working 50 hours a week isn’t a virtue. It’s just a choice that has externalities. I choose other externalities.

You’re moving the goalposts. Obviously some people choose to use one spouse as a housekeeper and laundress, but then that spouse really can’t complain about gendered divisions of labors, and the other spouse has to agree that this rather silly arrangement, where a high income person gives it up to serve as a maid, is best for all involved. A typical spouse would, of course, prefer the other spouse keep earning a high income.

Look, it’s cool that domestic things are not your jam and you enjoy whatever it is you do for a living. I also enjoy what I do. I just enjoy doing it part time so I can do other things I enjoy, like going to the Zoo with my toddler, taking my kids swimming in the afternoon, and (gasp) going grocery shopping. You seem to think that your preferences are typical. In my experience, my preferences are more typical among the spouses of big law partners. We clearly disagree on which preferences are better. You clearly think your preferences are better while I don’t really care to rank preferences because I realize that preferences aren’t better or worse, they are just different. Good thing we each married a partner who loves and respects us for who we are. We are both so lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want a guy with a good career, makes at least $150k/year, lives alone, never been married, and no kids. I prefer white men, in shape but not too muscular, no tattoos, no facial hair ( a little stubble is okay), and short hair. My lifestyle is having 2-3 kids and being able to live a comfortable life. We would have money to pay for childcare, family vacations, college, etc.

I married one of those at almost 32. But he expected me to make at least 100k (which I did) and never stop working ever...no break for kids...none except maternity leave (which I took only 6 weeks because my job is demanding). We are divorced. Terrible marriage. You need to think differently. Respect and kindness are not on you list. They should be. If they guy is not respectful or kind, his 150k+ salary is not going to give you the "lifestyle" you want. A guy who makes less who cares about what you want as a family might be a better fit. I was 40% of the household income. The man you think you are looking for often also expect women to do two jobs--raising a family and be a working mom with a stressful job--they will not necessarily want to provide it for you.

Isn't that normal? My DH is a biglaw partner and also would be very opposed to me taking a "break for kids."

Serious question, but what’s the point of a having a partner working all those hours in big law and making all that money if you can’t get off the treadmill ever to take care of your kids when they’re babies? I don’t get it.

Because I’m my own person? And we both take care of our babies? I guess we are both confused...

My DH is a big law partner. Thinking through the younger partners at his firm, most either have a SAH spouse or a spouse who went part time for a few years when the kids were very young. It’s not impossible to be a big law partner with a spouse with a demanding, inflexible job, but it isn’t something most families want to deal with. And, most don’t have to because they can afford to buy the flexibility that comes with one income. But, you already knew that and are being deliberately argumentative.

I think you’re the one being deliberatively argumentative. It’s atypical in this day and age for an able bodied adult to take a multi year pause from working. PP, who was bitter that her husband expected her to keep working, had strange expectations for her life.

I am that PP. I did not have “strange” expectations. You want me to birth you a baby and not spend time with a baby and immediately expect me to go back to a six-figure job? That is ridiculous. Before getting married I said I would never do that. It was no kids or I take 3-4 years off or work part-time to be with babies before going back to work. I did not sign up for a doing both. Too hard to be a 1950s housewife and 100K+ earner simultaneously. It was one of the options and ultimately I said if I could not take a break, then no kids (he could afford it). He “changed his mind” and bullied me into having a kid. It was the worst way to raise little kids. They are now in elementary; we are divorced. My expectations were not strange. I did not want to work like a dog in two jobs. He wasn’t going to help with the baby stuff.

[Anonymous]

Who do you guys always feel the need to derail threads on here? It’s not fair to OP. Make your own thread. Stop stealing other peoples threads with your pages of stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who do you guys always feel the need to derail threads on here? It’s not fair to OP. Make your own thread. Stop stealing other peoples threads with your pages of stuff.

It’s not really derailing the thread. The OP didn’t give much context for why she wants to marry a certain kind of man, leaving other people to guess what the issues are that she is pondering. The SAH vs WOH debate is a big one for people who prioritize what “lifestyle” they will be able to afford in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who do you guys always feel the need to derail threads on here? It’s not fair to OP. Make your own thread. Stop stealing other peoples threads with your pages of stuff.

It’s not really derailing the thread. The OP didn’t give much context for why she wants to marry a certain kind of man, leaving other people to guess what the issues are that she is pondering. The SAH vs WOH debate is a big one for people who prioritize what “lifestyle” they will be able to afford in a marriage.

It’s the same debate rehashed over and over again. Let Op clarify or let the thread die

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who do you guys always feel the need to derail threads on here? It’s not fair to OP. Make your own thread. Stop stealing other peoples threads with your pages of stuff.

It’s not really derailing the thread. The OP didn’t give much context for why she wants to marry a certain kind of man, leaving other people to guess what the issues are that she is pondering. The SAH vs WOH debate is a big one for people who prioritize what “lifestyle” they will be able to afford in a marriage.

It’s the same debate rehashed over and over again. Let Op clarify or let the thread die

Eh, you're not the thread police. And, OP's exacting expectations for a partner are part of the "derailed" conversation, in that PP is pointing out that she married a guy with OP's specifications and it didn't turn out well. She's offering a cautionary tail.

[Anonymous]

I am that PP. I did not have “strange” expectations. You want me to birth you a baby and not spend time with a baby and immediately expect me to go back to a six-figure job? That is ridiculous. Before getting married I said I would never do that. It was no kids or I take 3-4 years off or work part-time to be with babies before going back to work. I did not sign up for a doing both. Too hard to be a 1950s housewife and 100K+ earner simultaneously. It was one of the options and ultimately I said if I could not take a break, then no kids (he could afford it). He “changed his mind” and bullied me into having a kid. It was the worst way to raise little kids. They are now in elementary; we are divorced. My expectations were not strange. I did not want to work like a dog in two jobs. He wasn’t going to help with the baby stuff.

PP, don't worry about the weirdo who keeps trying to gaslight you about having "strange" expectations. Many new parents, especially moms, stay home when kids are little. Especially those with a high earning spouse. And while some don't, it sounds like this was the arrangement you wanted and discussed, only to have the rules changed when it was too late. I'm sorry you went through that and hope things are better after the split. Divorce is hard but sometimes you gotta pull the trigger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want a guy with a good career, makes at least $150k/year, lives alone, never been married, and no kids. I prefer white men, in shape but not too muscular, no tattoos, no facial hair ( a little stubble is okay), and short hair. My lifestyle is having 2-3 kids and being able to live a comfortable life. We would have money to pay for childcare, family vacations, college, etc.

You’re a troll. And a bad one.

Um, how is she a troll? I’m also 32 and single and looking for the same criteria, if not a slightly higher salary, and I’ve had plenty of luck finding these guys so far. I haven’t really been serious about settling down until this year, so planning on picking one for a committed relationship pretty soon. And no, I’m not a troll myself. But, yes, I’m attractive and make a very good salary myself, not that it should matter but because I’ll get flamed.

NP here. You may not be a troll but there's a poster who constantly posts about being early 30s only interested in white men, are her expectations unrealistic. blah blah I personally think troll.

[Anonymous]

You can expect whatever you want. If you aren't getting what you expect you can change your goals or your approach, or maybe both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want a guy with a good career, makes at least $150k/year, lives alone, never been married, and no kids. I prefer white men, in shape but not too muscular, no tattoos, no facial hair ( a little stubble is okay), and short hair. My lifestyle is having 2-3 kids and being able to live a comfortable life. We would have money to pay for childcare, family vacations, college, etc.

You’re a troll. And a bad one.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want a guy with a good career, makes at least $150k/year, lives alone, never been married, and no kids. I prefer white men, in shape but not too muscular, no tattoos, no facial hair ( a little stubble is okay), and short hair. My lifestyle is having 2-3 kids and being able to live a comfortable life. We would have money to pay for childcare, family vacations, college, etc.

I married one of those at almost 32. But he expected me to make at least 100k (which I did) and never stop working ever...no break for kids...none except maternity leave (which I took only 6 weeks because my job is demanding). We are divorced. Terrible marriage. You need to think differently. Respect and kindness are not on you list. They should be. If they guy is not respectful or kind, his 150k+ salary is not going to give you the "lifestyle" you want. A guy who makes less who cares about what you want as a family might be a better fit. I was 40% of the household income. The man you think you are looking for often also expect women to do two jobs--raising a family and be a working mom with a stressful job--they will not necessarily want to provide it for you.

Isn't that normal? My DH is a biglaw partner and also would be very opposed to me taking a "break for kids."

Serious question, but what’s the point of a having a partner working all those hours in big law and making all that money if you can’t get off the treadmill ever to take care of your kids when they’re babies? I don’t get it.

Because I’m my own person? And we both take care of our babies? I guess we are both confused...

You are not your own person if you are rich by all standards cannot take a "break for kids." You are owned by your lifestyle and your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want a guy with a good career, makes at least $150k/year, lives alone, never been married, and no kids. I prefer white men, in shape but not too muscular, no tattoos, no facial hair ( a little stubble is okay), and short hair. My lifestyle is having 2-3 kids and being able to live a comfortable life. We would have money to pay for childcare, family vacations, college, etc.

I think this is reasonable and probably safe to say what a large percentage of women want. Now do you think you are the type of woman this type of man would want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who do you guys always feel the need to derail threads on here? It’s not fair to OP. Make your own thread. Stop stealing other peoples threads with your pages of stuff.

It’s not really derailing the thread. The OP didn’t give much context for why she wants to marry a certain kind of man, leaving other people to guess what the issues are that she is pondering. The SAH vs WOH debate is a big one for people who prioritize what “lifestyle” they will be able to afford in a marriage.

It’s the same debate rehashed over and over again. Let Op clarify or let the thread die

Eh, you're not the thread police. And, OP's exacting expectations for a partner are part of the "derailed" conversation, in that PP is pointing out that she married a guy with OP's specifications and it didn't turn out well. She's offering a cautionary tail.

Wrong. We are all the thread police! 🚔 Woot, woot!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want a guy with a good career, makes at least $150k/year, lives alone, never been married, and no kids. I prefer white men, in shape but not too muscular, no tattoos, no facial hair ( a little stubble is okay), and short hair. My lifestyle is having 2-3 kids and being able to live a comfortable life. We would have money to pay for childcare, family vacations, college, etc.

You’re a troll. And a bad one.

This.

The same bad troll that is in NY was blocked from a Burger King and once did an AMA. Just...horrible. Flat. No zsa zsa zsu.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are seeking is not unrealistic.

I’m willing to believe you’re attractive if you say you are, but your partner will most likely need to match your looks or be a little worse. I say this because the best looking guys who fit your criteria and want 2-3 kids are usually married by 32 or seeking a younger spouse.

Not always and I’m ready for all the anecdotes that are not like this, but those are the exception. (And those stories tend to come with rose-colored glasses about the attractiveness of their spouse).

OP here. I’m not expecting a super hot guy or model or anything. I actually prefer guys that look a little dorky. The respectful and kind things are a given. I listed the more superficial.

I think if you adjust the salary down, you could find that guy in the Midwest.