Should white women who marry "ethnic" men change their last names?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:India is amazing, I’d strongly encourage you to go but ONLY if you can take three weeks there (four would be perfect but probably impossible). Three gives you long enough to adjust to the jet lag, which is no joke, and also to build in a couple “lets hang out in a fancy hotel and never step outside” days which you may (or may not) need. Because others are speaking truth: urban India can be overstimulating until you’re there long enough to tune it out, which usually takes a few months - too long for a holiday!

With three weeks, for your first trip, focus on seeing some famous stuff and some not so famous stuff. So,

Fly into Delhi. See the old city, Agra/Taj Mahal/Fatehpur Sikri/Agra Fort, Jaipur.

Explore other cities in Rajasthan: Jodhpur, Jaisalmer, Udaipur are the other big three fort towns, but you can’t go wrong with Kota and Chittor and Mt Abu, either. They’re just harder to reach.

End by taking an express train to Mumbai for shopping, night life, and a tour of Victorian architecture. Fly out!

And start planning your return trip to the Himalayas.... or Kerala and Hampi!

Oops

Wrong thread obviously!

But I can opine on this one too!

OP you’re silly. Please try to find an issue of actual importance on which to expend your apparently boundless political energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, OP, this is offensive. First off, don't call people ethnic. Everyone is ethnic in that everyone has an ethnicity. Also putting "ethnic" in scare quotes makes it worse.

Second, there are a million reasons women take their husbands name and a million reasons they don't. In a mixed-race marriage, those decisions can sometimes be easier, sometimes harder. Don't assume anything based on how a couple chooses to handle last name. Taking someone's name is not appropriation if you are marrying them.

Finally, I do think there are white women who capitalize on their mixed-race marriage in order to both claim white privilege while also claiming an elevated status within liberal communities. It's an extension of the "I have black friends" phenomenon. I don't think it's the biggest issue on the race relations agenda, but I do sometimes get an icky vibe from white women who lecture other white people (and sometimes even people who are not white) on race based on their marriage. Informing and raising issues is great, but sometimes white ladies like to get up on their soapboxes and be experts in things, and being married to a person of color does NOT make you an expert on race. Neither does having kids who are minorities. It gives you a different and potentially very interesting perspective. But there can be a lot of entitlement in the decision to assert that perspective.

My name is one of a kind. My 1st name is very “white” and my last name is very “ethnic”. 2 of my kids have “ethnic” sounding 1st names and one has a “white” name. I’m amazed, in a sad way, at their very differing experiences in the school system. The one with the “white” name is also much more European looking and has had a far different experience than the others. When I ask my kids if they’d ever live somewhere as a minority, they reply no. Then the 2 “ethnic” looking ones tell me that they aren’t really a minority since I’m their mom and they are white. I did not take the last name to be woke or to get a leg up. I took it because it’s the tradition in my family. My DH wanted to change our last name after 9/11 and wanted to change the kids names, too, because he was worried about how they’d be treated. I said I’d do whatever but that he shouldn’t let racists win. We kept the name and my kids did experience some questionable stuff in school. My kids are older now and they will change the world. I’m glad they have the name of their father. There is no shame in ones heritage. Do I try to act like I get it and am an expert? No. But i am the one who’s witnessed the mistreatment firsthand. Please don’t minimize my experiences based upon my skin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it bad form for a lily-white American woman who marries a man with an obviously Latino/Asian/Middle Eastern-sounding name to change to her husband's name or should she keep her own (anglo-American) surname? Of course some women today prefer keeping their maiden names anyway.

I don't know why, but something just rubs me as cultural appropriation or faking diversity when someone like Larla Jones gets married and becomes Larla Rodriguez, Larla Zhang, or Larla Al-Habib. It's like pretending not to be white.

Who the hell cares and it is definitely none of your bloody business! You are an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is very racially mixed but skews AA and Latinx. The Asian-born women in my family who married AA military men and the AA women who married Latino men could write a book about the impact of a name change on how people treat you when they can’t see you.

Indian woman with a first name that a lot of people think of as a "black name" and married to a man with a generic could be white or black last name (think "Jackson"). It's amazing how surprised people are when they discovered I'm not black. They're much nicer to me in person than on the phone. It's gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it bad form for a lily-white American woman who marries a man with an obviously Latino/Asian/Middle Eastern-sounding name to change to her husband's name or should she keep her own (anglo-American) surname? Of course some women today prefer keeping their maiden names anyway.

I don't know why, but something just rubs me as cultural appropriation or faking diversity when someone like Larla Jones gets married and becomes Larla Rodriguez, Larla Zhang, or Larla Al-Habib. It's like pretending not to be white.

What if a Asian, arab, or Latina marries a white guy... should they take his last name ???

[Anonymous]

I can only laugh at this question, especially as it reminds me of a video someone sent me recently of a woman doing a standup set about facing this exact situation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gfu_sP3aqyg

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, OP, this is offensive. First off, don't call people ethnic. Everyone is ethnic in that everyone has an ethnicity. Also putting "ethnic" in scare quotes makes it worse.

Second, there are a million reasons women take their husbands name and a million reasons they don't. In a mixed-race marriage, those decisions can sometimes be easier, sometimes harder. Don't assume anything based on how a couple chooses to handle last name. Taking someone's name is not appropriation if you are marrying them.

Finally, I do think there are white women who capitalize on their mixed-race marriage in order to both claim white privilege while also claiming an elevated status within liberal communities. It's an extension of the "I have black friends" phenomenon. I don't think it's the biggest issue on the race relations agenda, but I do sometimes get an icky vibe from white women who lecture other white people (and sometimes even people who are not white) on race based on their marriage. Informing and raising issues is great, but sometimes white ladies like to get up on their soapboxes and be experts in things, and being married to a person of color does NOT make you an expert on race. Neither does having kids who are minorities. It gives you a different and potentially very interesting perspective. But there can be a lot of entitlement in the decision to assert that perspective.

Say it louder for the Karens in the back!

[Anonymous]

Ha I am super lily white and married a Hispanic white man with a common Hispanic last name. I speak far more Spanish than he does but I don't pretend to be anything other than white, non-Hispanic. Super feminist, but my dad is dead, I have no siblings, there are no cousins with my name, and I love my husband's family. I just wanted to share a name with a family again.

[Anonymous]

Most of my Latino husband’s friends married white women. We all took our husband’s names. I had always planned to take his name, but we did talk about it and for him it was important culturally that we have the same name. (And he is the least stereotypically macho Latino man I’ve ever known.) Of course most people assume it’s an Italian last name because it ends in o and isn’t a common name. Then they are shocked when I appear with a brown Spanish speaking guy! I think I’m more offended (and not even really offended at that) that people assume I have a white husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, OP, this is offensive. First off, don't call people ethnic. Everyone is ethnic in that everyone has an ethnicity. Also putting "ethnic" in scare quotes makes it worse.

Second, there are a million reasons women take their husbands name and a million reasons they don't. In a mixed-race marriage, those decisions can sometimes be easier, sometimes harder. Don't assume anything based on how a couple chooses to handle last name. Taking someone's name is not appropriation if you are marrying them.

Finally, I do think there are white women who capitalize on their mixed-race marriage in order to both claim white privilege while also claiming an elevated status within liberal communities. It's an extension of the "I have black friends" phenomenon. I don't think it's the biggest issue on the race relations agenda, but I do sometimes get an icky vibe from white women who lecture other white people (and sometimes even people who are not white) on race based on their marriage. Informing and raising issues is great, but sometimes white ladies like to get up on their soapboxes and be experts in things, and being married to a person of color does NOT make you an expert on race. Neither does having kids who are minorities. It gives you a different and potentially very interesting perspective. But there can be a lot of entitlement in the decision to assert that perspective.

Say it louder for the Karens in the back!

Absolutely true, but it HAS made me an expert on immigration law!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is beyond dumb.

It is not dumb, it is actually very smart. You take Hispanic last name, claim yourself as Hispanic next whatever application you submit.

When my friend divorced she went back to her maiden name because it gave her many advantages. Her mother is from a wealthy Spanish family but has a very common surname. My friend has a PhD from an Ivy but her “new” surname hS helped her career more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is beyond dumb.

It is not dumb, it is actually very smart. You take Hispanic last name, claim yourself as Hispanic next whatever application you submit.

Funny story - my white as a ghost friend married a Hispanic man and took his name. She had a job interview and the interviewer was disappointed upon her arrival bc he thought she’d speak Spanish! She never claimed to be anything other than what she is on her application but they assumed.

I married into an Asian American family and took my husband's name because we wanted to have one family name.

My SIL, whose first name is very Irish (like Maura or Bridget) married an Irish American man and changed her name too. When go out together, people get so confused. We've been given each other's credit cards at restaurants on more than one occasion.

I also disappointed a woman from my husband's culture when I started at my current job. She worked there amd was hoping for someone she could speak her native language with. Her face fell when she saw me - she liked to tease me about that later.

These days, though, intercultural marriages are not exactly rare, and I feel like people are much less surprised to see that someone with my last name is white - certainly less so than when we got married 25 years ago.

Why would it confuse people that your SIL has both a typical Irish name and an Irish surname? That makes no sense. I had to read it twice to try to follow the logic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it bad form for a lily-white American woman who marries a man with an obviously Latino/Asian/Middle Eastern-sounding name to change to her husband's name or should she keep her own (anglo-American) surname? Of course some women today prefer keeping their maiden names anyway.

I don't know why, but something just rubs me as cultural appropriation or faking diversity when someone like Larla Jones gets married and becomes Larla Rodriguez, Larla Zhang, or Larla Al-Habib. It's like pretending not to be white.

If Larla Jones is Black does that mean her maiden name she inherited from white slave masters who owned her great grandfather is a form of cultural appropriation since there were no Jones’ in Africa?

I see this was conveniently ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it bad form for a lily-white American woman who marries a man with an obviously Latino/Asian/Middle Eastern-sounding name to change to her husband's name or should she keep her own (anglo-American) surname? Of course some women today prefer keeping their maiden names anyway.

I don't know why, but something just rubs me as cultural appropriation or faking diversity when someone like Larla Jones gets married and becomes Larla Rodriguez, Larla Zhang, or Larla Al-Habib. It's like pretending not to be white.

If Larla Jones is Black does that mean her maiden name she inherited from white slave masters who owned her great grandfather is a form of cultural appropriation since there were no Jones’ in Africa?

I see this was conveniently ignored.

I see you need Jesus/therapy/something to do (pick one or more).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is beyond dumb.

It is not dumb, it is actually very smart. You take Hispanic last name, claim yourself as Hispanic next whatever application you submit.

My lily-white ex-friend (with an Irish last name even) was born in Mexico (to her white, American of Irish descent parents) and claimed to be Hispanic.