Reply to Should white women who marry "ethnic" men change their last names?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Ugh, OP, this is offensive. First off, don't call people ethnic. Everyone is ethnic in that everyone has an ethnicity. Also putting "ethnic" in scare quotes makes it worse.

Second, there are a million reasons women take their husbands name and a million reasons they don't. In a mixed-race marriage, those decisions can sometimes be easier, sometimes harder. Don't assume anything based on how a couple chooses to handle last name. Taking someone's name is not appropriation if you are marrying them.

Finally, I do think there are white women who capitalize on their mixed-race marriage in order to both claim white privilege while also claiming an elevated status within liberal communities. It's an extension of the "I have black friends" phenomenon. I don't think it's the biggest issue on the race relations agenda, but I do sometimes get an icky vibe from white women who lecture other white people (and sometimes even people who are not white) on race based on their marriage. Informing and raising issues is great, but sometimes white ladies like to get up on their soapboxes and be experts in things, and being married to a person of color does NOT make you an expert on race. Neither does having kids who are minorities. It gives you a different and potentially very interesting perspective. But there can be a lot of entitlement in the decision to assert that perspective.[/quote]

My name is one of a kind. My 1st name is very “white” and my last name is very “ethnic”. 2 of my kids have “ethnic” sounding 1st names and one has a “white” name. I’m amazed, in a sad way, at their very differing experiences in the school system. The one with the “white” name is also much more European looking and has had a far different experience than the others. When I ask my kids if they’d ever live somewhere as a minority, they reply no. Then the 2 “ethnic” looking ones tell me that they aren’t really a minority since I’m their mom and they are white. I did not take the last name to be woke or to get a leg up. I took it because it’s the tradition in my family. My DH wanted to change our last name after 9/11 and wanted to change the kids names, too, because he was worried about how they’d be treated. I said I’d do whatever but that he shouldn’t let racists win. We kept the name and my kids did experience some questionable stuff in school. My kids are older now and they will change the world. I’m glad they have the name of their father. There is no shame in ones heritage. Do I try to act like I get it and am an expert? No. But i am the one who’s witnessed the mistreatment firsthand. Please don’t minimize my experiences based upon my skin[/quote]

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