When someone asks for a burdensome favor and upon offense, says was "I was just asking the question"
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Anonymous
Whether people ask for what they want, or hint/"manipulate," everyone pursues their own agenda and is ultimately out for themselves. Even the goody goody types who are actually in pursuit of praise and Being a Good Person. Think about it. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but I would be interested in hearing your theory. I was born and raised in the Midwest, in more of a guess culture, and one of the members of my residency class was from NYC. We were always butting heads over this, and it was hard to get along. The best example that I can think of was that I was scheduled to work until 8am the day before my wedding. I put some feelers out and got some responses that it would be reasonable to ask someone to switch with me. By the time I went to ask, I was confident of a “yes.” I looked at the schedule, NYC lady was the only one in my class who could do it. I asked, and she said “no.” I was pissed. She didn’t understand what I was upset about, and I felt like she had violated the social contract. Later, we were in a fellowship together, and I was chief. One of my responsibilities was making the schedule. This same woman was constantly asking for special consideration in the schedule. It kind of blew my mind. You want me to make sure that you have Christmas off after you peed on my wedding day? Really? But I think I understand better now. She felt that there was no harm in asking, and assumed everyone felt that way. So when I asked her, she felt free to say no. And when she asked me for Christmas off or every Tuesday off or whatever random thing, she felt that I could just say no if I wanted to give the holiday to someone else or I didn’t feel like reworking the schedule around he special Tuesday thing. |
Anonymous
Yes and I find it really off putting, sneak and creepy, when someone is behaving this way. Actually one of my good friends is going through a hard time and straight up asked me for some money recently. I said no that I was on a tight budget and didn't have it. He was like "Ok, just thought I'd ask" and we considered our happy conversation. Neither he was offended nor was I. A week later things were better financially for me and I called him to let him know I could give him the money and got his info for where to send it. I sent it, he thanked me, we continued our convo. This is basic stuff that adults should be able to do. I cant stand people who either get angry when someone gives an honest answer (me telling him no regarding the money) or get angry at someone for asking (him asking me for the money). It's a REQUEST, not a demand- grow a pair of balls and some emotional maturity and figure it out! |
Anonymous
I’m so sorry for your loss, PP. What was the thing your aunt wanted? She sounds very selfish. |
Anonymous
It only feels manipulative if you don't understand it. I see it as social niceties that circumvent difficult conversations. If he had put out a couple of feelers about you loaning him money, you would have just turned him down then. I think it's the clash that is the problem. Guess culture: Him: "We are having a hard time making ends meet since Larla lost her job." You: "I feel you. We have been struggling too." conversation moves on. |
Anonymous
NP. The problem is that you did not owe him an excuse. You’re allowed to not want to give other people money, and you shouldn’t need to have an excuse to tell them. That’s the issue most people have with this trashy culture of entitlement where people expect that other people will give them money (or time or carpooling service or whatever) unless they have a solid excuse not to. Many of us understand that someone else’s money or time is not something we’re entitled to unless they have a good excuse. They don’t owe us any excuses and we shouldn’t put them in a position where they need to try to come up with one. |