When someone asks for a burdensome favor and upon offense, says was "I was just asking the question"

[Anonymous]

I don't get offended by the initial request. If I say no and they push, needle, get upset, or keep asking over and over - then I'll get upset.

Unless perhaps it is one of those people who is ALWAYS asking for big favors and never reciprocates. In that case I just say no over and over again, but that can get tiring. But a one-off request? Just say no and move on. It's not worth my energy to get offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your reaction when someone asks for a burdensome favor and upon offense, shrugs and says, "I was just asking the question." Was the responder not supposed to get offended because it's "just a question" and he or she can freely say no? Or is it ever valid to be annoyed that some even considered asking something burdensome of you that he or she could handle themselves without putting it on your plate? I'm starting to think there are two kinds of people in the world - those that are "just asking the question" and those that don't want to deal with being asked for burdensome favors as if they don't have a lot going on already. For the record, I'm the latter. You?

It seems you get offended very easily. Can’t you just say no? Or some nicer version of no like I wish I could but ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been discussed elsewhere:

https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

"This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept."

Sounds like you are a Guess Culture type who was asked by an Ask Culture type.

I see. Guess culture is a lot of work and definitely a cultural thing. It comes naturally in some cultures but not in others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have said, the asking doesn't get me as much as the escalated reaction to my No. And I realize that is still not my problem but it is draining to deal with someone's intensity.

THIS! OP, have you had people take "no" really badly? I have and that has made me feel annoyed when anyone but a close friend asks a big favor. I dread dealing with some nut who cannot accept no. If they accept no graciously-No big deal! I have a sister who is a big asker and she is livid when people say no to her. She wonders why she doesn't have many true blue friends and it's in part because she burns people out. She also says no all the time to others. She feels very entitled to things, but somehow doesn't feel like she owes anyone anything. I rarely ask anyone for a favor because I want to make sure I can be there for that person and I feel indebted until I can somehow repay the favor.

[Anonymous]

I don't think its an intro art/extrovert thing it is more like a user/non-user or boundary pusher/normal type person things. A user or a boundary pusher is always pushing to get something. They really prey upon people feeling obligated or worn down and giving in to their requests. Its very important to these types to defend their right to constantly request things as "just a question" because that's their method to get what they want.

People really do not get offended by normal requests even if they say no to the request. If someone is getting offended by your request, then you really have not read the room and overstepped your boundaries with that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been discussed elsewhere:

https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

"This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept."

Sounds like you are a Guess Culture type who was asked by an Ask Culture type.

Interesting. I had a roommate who would ask for inappropriate things. Maybe this is why.

[Anonymous]

I don't mind people asking as long as they can accept a no. I get annoyed when people push boundaries or force something on you rather than ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think its an intro art/extrovert thing it is more like a user/non-user or boundary pusher/normal type person things. A user or a boundary pusher is always pushing to get something. They really prey upon people feeling obligated or worn down and giving in to their requests. Its very important to these types to defend their right to constantly request things as "just a question" because that's their method to get what they want.

People really do not get offended by normal requests even if they say no to the request. If someone is getting offended by your request, then you really have not read the room and overstepped your boundaries with that person.

+1

I am an introvert with clear boundaries and I have no problem when people ask for my help. I also have no problem saying no if I am not in a position to help them.

I think the tone of the statement "just a question" matters a great deal. We can't tell what the asker means by this from your description.

[Anonymous]

Well, it entirely depends on the question/favor. Would I take my cousin's four kids for a long weekend if absolutely needed? Yes. And if I had to say no, she wouldn't be offended, because I wouldn't sputter and balk and ask HOW DARE YOU?

If she asked if I wanted to swap husbands for the night, yeah, I'd probably have a "what-the-WHAT" reaction that might prompt a defensive "I was just ASKING."

So it really does depend, and is circumstantial.

[Anonymous]

Where did you grow up OP? Regionally speaking. I have a theory about this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been discussed elsewhere:

https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

"This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept."

Sounds like you are a Guess Culture type who was asked by an Ask Culture type.

It's clear which one is healthier. Who in the hell has time for guess culture?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get offended by the initial request. If I say no and they push, needle, get upset, or keep asking over and over - then I'll get upset.

Unless perhaps it is one of those people who is ALWAYS asking for big favors and never reciprocates. In that case I just say no over and over again, but that can get tiring. But a one-off request? Just say no and move on. It's not worth my energy to get offended.

+1. The next two weeks or months of being needled is why I get upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been discussed elsewhere:

https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

"This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept."

Sounds like you are a Guess Culture type who was asked by an Ask Culture type.

It's clear which one is healthier. Who in the hell has time for guess culture?!

So interesting. I’ve always been aware of a difference btw myself and spouse that may fall along these lines. In my family we only ask for something if we really actually need help, whereas he is constantly asking me to do small inconsequential things. I find it really hard to say no to a direct request, and end up feeling taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Possibly the most incorrect expression is, “it doesn’t hurt to ask”.

It may not hurt the person asking but it hurts like hell to be the person who says no.

[Anonymous]

The only way I'd be annoyed by an ask is if it was made with an arrogance or expectation. There's a big difference between "I know this is a lot to ask and I'd understand if you can't, but would you be able to . . ." vs. "Hey, you'd do XYZ for me, right?"