When someone asks for a burdensome favor and upon offense, says was "I was just asking the question"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been discussed elsewhere:

https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

"This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept."

Sounds like you are a Guess Culture type who was asked by an Ask Culture type.

It's clear which one is healthier. Who in the hell has time for guess culture?!

So interesting. I’ve always been aware of a difference btw myself and spouse that may fall along these lines. In my family we only ask for something if we really actually need help, whereas he is constantly asking me to do small inconsequential things. I find it really hard to say no to a direct request, and end up feeling taken advantage of.

Girl that is crazy. I dated an ex who was like you- he also never told me wht was wrong, but would just sulk around, I guess in the hopes that I would somehow psychically intuit it? Even when I'd directly ask him, he'd assure me things were fine, and then mope around endlessly, again, in the vain hopes I would magically know. It was bizarre. Anyway, I dumped him. Who on earth has time for these games?! It's crazy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think its an intro art/extrovert thing it is more like a user/non-user or boundary pusher/normal type person things. A user or a boundary pusher is always pushing to get something. They really prey upon people feeling obligated or worn down and giving in to their requests. Its very important to these types to defend their right to constantly request things as "just a question" because that's their method to get what they want.

People really do not get offended by normal requests even if they say no to the request. If someone is getting offended by your request, then you really have not read the room and overstepped your boundaries with that person.

You've worded this very well.

Normally I don't mind being asked. But I have a friend who ALWAYS has to push the boundaries by asking for things. Its draining. I used to think she was just clueless. Now, I think she's narcissistic and manipulative.

My friend's boundary pushing "asks" have caused me to always make sure I assess situations accurately before asking for things (do I ask this person for favors too often? Is it something I'd do for them? Will it affect them in ways I'm not thinking of?)

[Anonymous]

Here's what happens when someone requests something of me:

Think of whether I CAN do
Think of whether it would be reasonably unpleasant for me to do it
Think of whether I want to do it (I try to use this loosely- I dont necessarily want to do stuff, but like- will it make me unhappy to do it)

Then give my answer. I have said no plenty of times, usually with a polite "excuse" tucked in (i.e. I've been so busy lately but I can direct you towards x resource that will help with that). The vast majority of time I say yes and bear no resentment towards the asker. I just assume they are asking me in good faith, and that they will respect my answer in kind.

Yall need to work on yourselves and your voice if you're unable to do this stuff. It's very basic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - these replies are so interesting. Could there be an introvert/extrovert dynamic to this? As an introvert, maybe the social work of dealing with these requests just feels like more effort?

I worked in a very traditional, hierarchical organization where requests up the chain were made only when the response was likely to be yes. There was a built in notion that responding "no" was burdensome to the high-ranking official, and being turned down reflected badly on the requestor.

This thread being in Family Relationships, the dynamic shouldn't be the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - these replies are so interesting. Could there be an introvert/extrovert dynamic to this? As an introvert, maybe the social work of dealing with these requests just feels like more effort?

It depends on the question or favor being asked.

Sure friendly people probably ask more questions, start more conversations, respond to a wider range of discussions.

You have the right to judge them if it’s a pattern of stupidity or cluelessness. Use your judgement.

Other than that, you didn’t provide enough details here!

[Anonymous]

I would add, if they are asking rude requests or outlandish ones it is either out of Social Cluelesseness or on purpose/taking advantage of you (trying to).

The “oh, I was only asking” BS excuse would grate on on me once I heard it twice form the same person. I’d avoid them or write off what they do/say. Just smile and nod and say oh or no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think its an intro art/extrovert thing it is more like a user/non-user or boundary pusher/normal type person things. A user or a boundary pusher is always pushing to get something. They really prey upon people feeling obligated or worn down and giving in to their requests. Its very important to these types to defend their right to constantly request things as "just a question" because that's their method to get what they want.

People really do not get offended by normal requests even if they say no to the request. If someone is getting offended by your request, then you really have not read the room and overstepped your boundaries with that person.

This.

I dislike being put into awkward positions by people trying to get something for nothing all the time.

Just say No, can’t help you.

[Anonymous]

You can't buy class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My reaction is nothing because I don't get offended by someone asking. I just say yes or no. Being asked isn't all the hard to deal with. I only get upset or offended if I say no and then the person gets upset or starts guilt-tripping me or pressuring me or otherwise won't take no for an answer. I mean, sure, some people are users and are always asking for favors, but it still doesn't take much time to say no, whether the request is big or small.

This. I don't overthink it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My reaction is nothing because I don't get offended by someone asking. I just say yes or no. Being asked isn't all the hard to deal with. I only get upset or offended if I say no and then the person gets upset or starts guilt-tripping me or pressuring me or otherwise won't take no for an answer. I mean, sure, some people are users and are always asking for favors, but it still doesn't take much time to say no, whether the request is big or small.

This. I don't overthink it.

Exactly. And this is the sane way to handle it

[Anonymous]

The mere notion is enough to bring offense? Wow, you're fancy, OP.

[Anonymous]

As a south Asian, ic tell you that ask culture is considered uncouth, unsophisticated. Asian married to a German I’ve learned that it’s not all bad. But my in laws take it way too far.

[Anonymous]

What is the ask, OP?

If it's truly outrageous, it's actually a relief b/c it completely absolves me of any guilty feelings.

When my father was dying, we moved a lot of obstacles to get his siblings who lived in another part of the world to come for a last visit. My father had been the oldest and most successful, and did a lot to support his extended family over the years and saw to it that they were all on solid financial ground. His sister, my aunt, who's always selfish and ignorant, wanted to wring one last favor out of him. She tried with him, but he was too tired to engage. Then she moved onto me and tried to get me to influence him. It was so blatantly greedy and bad that I didn't even get very angry, much less offended. I just ignored her request and mentally wrote her off. He passed away in peace 2 weeks after they left and I have no intention of seeing her again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been discussed elsewhere:

https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

"This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept."

Sounds like you are a Guess Culture type who was asked by an Ask Culture type.

Interesting. I feel like my husband grew up in an "ask" culture, yet the expectation is ALWAYS that you will say yes to any request (because faaaaaaaamily). It's very annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been discussed elsewhere:

https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

"This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept."

Sounds like you are a Guess Culture type who was asked by an Ask Culture type.

It's clear which one is healthier. Who in the hell has time for guess culture?!

So interesting. I’ve always been aware of a difference btw myself and spouse that may fall along these lines. In my family we only ask for something if we really actually need help, whereas he is constantly asking me to do small inconsequential things. I find it really hard to say no to a direct request, and end up feeling taken advantage of.

Girl that is crazy. I dated an ex who was like you- he also never told me wht was wrong, but would just sulk around, I guess in the hopes that I would somehow psychically intuit it? Even when I'd directly ask him, he'd assure me things were fine, and then mope around endlessly, again, in the vain hopes I would magically know. It was bizarre. Anyway, I dumped him. Who on earth has time for these games?! It's crazy!

Guess culture is fascinating. I think it can often just be manipulative. I get frustrated when.... little hints are laid in hopes the hinter will not have to ask. Then, when an offer is made the reply “oh really? Really? Gosh, that’s so kind of you.” and then telling people “I am so lucky. I don’t know how it happened.”

It was calculated. I saw a friend do this .... and then met his mom and was like oh my exact same approach! The awesome apartment friend sub-letted came after friend spent almost six months saying how small, loud current apt was and lease is up soon and what are you gonna do..... with a pivot to targeted compliments of another friend’s larger apartment and saying things like “yeah, you should totally move to Paris to pursue your dreams...... then “really, we can sublet from you?” the cycle started again. Angling for a larger place.

It’s was like a reality TV game show or big brother or survivor. He and his mom and maybe even the sister would win.