Reply to When someone asks for a burdensome favor and upon offense, says was "I was just asking the question"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This has been discussed elsewhere:

https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

"This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept."

Sounds like you are a Guess Culture type who was asked by an Ask Culture type.

[/quote]

It's clear which one is healthier.  Who in the hell has time for guess culture?! [/quote]
So interesting. I’ve always been aware of a difference btw myself and spouse that may fall along these lines. In my family we only ask for something if we really actually need help, whereas he is constantly asking me to do small inconsequential things. I find it really hard to say no to a direct request, and end up feeling taken advantage of. [/quote]

Girl that is crazy.  I dated an ex who was like you- he also never told me wht was wrong, but would just sulk around, I guess in the hopes that I would somehow psychically intuit it?  Even when I'd directly ask him, he'd assure me things were fine, and then mope around endlessly, again, in the vain hopes I would magically know.  It was bizarre.  Anyway, I dumped him.  Who on earth has time for these games?! It's crazy! [/quote]

Guess culture is fascinating. I think it can often just be manipulative.  I get frustrated when.... little hints are laid in hopes the hinter will not have to ask. Then, when an offer is made the reply “oh really? Really? Gosh, that’s so kind of you.”  and then telling people “I am so lucky. I don’t know how it happened.”

It was calculated. I saw a friend do this .... and then met his mom and was like oh my exact same approach! The awesome apartment friend sub-letted came after friend spent almost six months saying how small, loud current apt was and lease is up soon and what are you gonna do..... with a pivot to targeted compliments of another friend’s larger apartment and saying things like “yeah, you should totally move to Paris to pursue your dreams...... then “really, we can sublet from you?” the cycle started again.  Angling for a larger place.

It’s was like a reality TV game show or big brother or survivor. He and his mom and maybe even the sister would win. [/quote]

Whether people ask for what they want, or hint/"manipulate," everyone pursues their own agenda and is ultimately out for themselves. Even the goody goody types who are actually in pursuit of praise and Being a Good Person. Think about it. [/quote]

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