When someone asks for a burdensome favor and upon offense, says was "I was just asking the question"

[Anonymous]

What is your reaction when someone asks for a burdensome favor and upon offense, shrugs and says, "I was just asking the question." Was the responder not supposed to get offended because it's "just a question" and he or she can freely say no? Or is it ever valid to be annoyed that some even considered asking something burdensome of you that he or she could handle themselves without putting it on your plate? I'm starting to think there are two kinds of people in the world - those that are "just asking the question" and those that don't want to deal with being asked for burdensome favors as if they don't have a lot going on already. For the record, I'm the latter. You?

[Anonymous]

Look, you're choosing to get offended. Why not just say no? Save the offense for people who keep pushing or whatever. I think that some requests can be thoughtless or rude, but what immediately strikes you as "burdensome" might not seem like a very big deal to someone else. Being *asked* isn't a burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your reaction when someone asks for a burdensome favor and upon offense, shrugs and says, "I was just asking the question." Was the responder not supposed to get offended because it's "just a question" and he or she can freely say no? Or is it ever valid to be annoyed that some even considered asking something burdensome of you that he or she could handle themselves without putting it on your plate? I'm starting to think there are two kinds of people in the world - those that are "just asking the question" and those that don't want to deal with being asked for burdensome favors as if they don't have a lot going on already. For the record, I'm the latter. You?

I'm neither. I don't think being asked is something that requires that much energy to deal with -- I just say no. I also don't ask people for what I think are big favors lightly. So I'm not offended by someone asking. If you get annoyed just because people are asking, and you feel this way a lot, maybe you have a really low threshhold for what counts as "burdensome."

[Anonymous]

No one can take advantage of you without your permission. Being bothered by a question (unless seriously offensive or unethical) is unnecessary. You are free to say "no" and move on, unburdened. They are also free to accept and move on that you may say "no."

- recovering people pleaser, who has hardly ever asked anything of anyone, but has had to learn late in life that there's really no harm in asking to just "ask the question."

[Anonymous]

My reaction is nothing because I don't get offended by someone asking. I just say yes or no. Being asked isn't all the hard to deal with. I only get upset or offended if I say no and then the person gets upset or starts guilt-tripping me or pressuring me or otherwise won't take no for an answer. I mean, sure, some people are users and are always asking for favors, but it still doesn't take much time to say no, whether the request is big or small.

[Anonymous]

OP here - these replies are so interesting. Could there be an introvert/extrovert dynamic to this? As an introvert, maybe the social work of dealing with these requests just feels like more effort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your reaction when someone asks for a burdensome favor and upon offense, shrugs and says, "I was just asking the question." Was the responder not supposed to get offended because it's "just a question" and he or she can freely say no? Or is it ever valid to be annoyed that some even considered asking something burdensome of you that he or she could handle themselves without putting it on your plate? I'm starting to think there are two kinds of people in the world - those that are "just asking the question" and those that don't want to deal with being asked for burdensome favors as if they don't have a lot going on already. For the record, I'm the latter. You?

I'm neither. I don't think being asked is something that requires that much energy to deal with -- I just say no. I also don't ask people for what I think are big favors lightly. So I'm not offended by someone asking. If you get annoyed just because people are asking, and you feel this way a lot, maybe you have a really low threshhold for what counts as "burdensome."

+1 OP if you have a sample size greater than 1 of people who ask burdensome requests and then say "I was just asking the question," you are dealing with one idiosyncratic person or you're easily "burdened".

[Anonymous]

“And I was just saying no.”

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can provide an example, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - these replies are so interesting. Could there be an introvert/extrovert dynamic to this? As an introvert, maybe the social work of dealing with these requests just feels like more effort?

I'm an off-the-charts introvert, and I don't take offense when people ask me to do stuff, so I don't see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - these replies are so interesting. Could there be an introvert/extrovert dynamic to this? As an introvert, maybe the social work of dealing with these requests just feels like more effort?

I'm an off-the-charts introvert, and I don't take offense when people ask me to do stuff, so I don't see that.

13:57 here, and also a super mega introvert. I don't take offense when people I ask - it's just a question and you can respond how your please. I may take offense if they can't take "no" for an answer, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - these replies are so interesting. Could there be an introvert/extrovert dynamic to this? As an introvert, maybe the social work of dealing with these requests just feels like more effort?

I'm an off-the-charts introvert, and I don't take offense when people ask me to do stuff, so I don't see that.

13:57 here, and also a super mega introvert. I don't take offense when people I ask - it's just a question and you can respond how your please. I may take offense if they can't take "no" for an answer, however.

+1 Unless the question is something like " Can I sleep with your husband?"

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just say what happened so we can judge properly?

In general, I know my family members well enough that they aren't going to surprise me. So they'll ask an outrageous question and I'll laugh and say "Oh Beth, of COURSE you would ask that!" and never think of it again.

[Anonymous]

This has been discussed elsewhere:

https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/

"This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept."

Sounds like you are a Guess Culture type who was asked by an Ask Culture type.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, the asking doesn't get me as much as the escalated reaction to my No. And I realize that is still not my problem but it is draining to deal with someone's intensity.