Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?

[Anonymous]

There is no way in hell I would move into his group house.

But I wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with because I wouldn’t date a 32 year old who has roommates.

Sounds like you guys don’t communicate well.

I have moved in with a boyfriend twice in the past and honestly I think it’s a bad idea if you aren’t engaged. It can lead to relationship intertia, like not getting engaged or not breaking up because the idea of moving is daunting.

It doesn’t mean you are set in your ways because you don’t want to move into a group house with your boyfriend. It means you are smart. Tell him you’d rather live separately until you are engaged, and when you are engaged and married, you want to live with just him.

Do you think he would expect you to live in a group house as a married couple? For most women that would be a hard no.

[Anonymous]

I would be very curious about how he envisions his future: group living with spouse? I wouldn’t move in. From the way you describe him and yourself, it’s hard to see you guys as compatible in the long term, regardless of living arrangement. You sound like more of a homebody or maybe just typical, with a preference for normal privacy and he sounds unusually...social? restless? Unconventional? Not sure if the word but he doesn’t seem like a guy looking for nuclear family/marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be very curious about how he envisions his future: group living with spouse? I wouldn’t move in. From the way you describe him and yourself, it’s hard to see you guys as compatible in the long term, regardless of living arrangement. You sound like more of a homebody or maybe just typical, with a preference for normal privacy and he sounds unusually...social? restless? Unconventional? Not sure if the word but he doesn’t seem like a guy looking for nuclear family/marriage.

+1. Your question is the tail wagging the dog. You need to have a discussion about how he envisions his future.

[Anonymous]

I lived with my husband for nearly 5 years and we bought a home together before marrying so obviously I have no issue with cohabitation.

But no way would I ever, EVER, under any circumstances barring financial ruin, agree to move into a room in group house situation with multiple housemates as a 32 year old. To me that's a sign they are still in college mode.

[Anonymous]

You’re not compatible. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re not compatible. Move on.

How much moving on can a 32 year old woman do during a pandemic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way in hell I would move into his group house.

But I wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with because I wouldn’t date a 32 year old who has roommates.

Sounds like you guys don’t communicate well.

I have moved in with a boyfriend twice in the past and honestly I think it’s a bad idea if you aren’t engaged. It can lead to relationship intertia, like not getting engaged or not breaking up because the idea of moving is daunting.

It doesn’t mean you are set in your ways because you don’t want to move into a group house with your boyfriend. It means you are smart. Tell him you’d rather live separately until you are engaged, and when you are engaged and married, you want to live with just him.

Do you think he would expect you to live in a group house as a married couple? For most women that would be a hard no.

Yup. I also lived with a boyfriend in my twenties, and once I got out of that relationship I vowed never to do it again. My now-husband tried to get me to move into a group house situation with him twice before we were married, now that I think about it! I didn't do it. Once we got engaged, we bought a house together that made total sense for us. now even he laughs about his group house-girlfriend dreams. What is with men?

[Anonymous]

Get a new place together. I would not move into a shared place.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think the communal thing should be a hard no—it’s just a hard no for YOU and that’s totally fine. Housing is expensive, and it’s fine to find a situation that works for your budget. You’ve both done that. He’s always going to want this type of living. You’re always going to prefer privacy. You’re always going to prefer your space. Both are ok, but it might mean you’re not compatible long term if your hope is to get married and have kids. If you don’t care about that, then carry on as you are in your present living arrangements. I wouldn’t give up a place I loved and could afford for a living arrangement I didn’t love even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lived with my husband for nearly 5 years and we bought a home together before marrying so obviously I have no issue with cohabitation.

But no way would I ever, EVER, under any circumstances barring financial ruin, agree to move into a room in group house situation with multiple housemates as a 32 year old. To me that's a sign they are still in college mode.

Or it could mean they’re not high earners despite being gainfully employed and can’t afford the outrageous rents. Or it could mean they enjoy a family type setting. It could mean a lot of things that aren’t necessarily negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a new place together. I would not move into a shared place.

+1 I always advise friends to do this. It's hard not to be territorial when someone moves into your space

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lived with my husband for nearly 5 years and we bought a home together before marrying so obviously I have no issue with cohabitation.

But no way would I ever, EVER, under any circumstances barring financial ruin, agree to move into a room in group house situation with multiple housemates as a 32 year old. To me that's a sign they are still in college mode.

Or it could mean they’re not high earners despite being gainfully employed and can’t afford the outrageous rents. Or it could mean they enjoy a family type setting. It could mean a lot of things that aren’t necessarily negative.

I think it sounds amazing. I lived with a married couple and their sister after college. I was able to save so much money because they gave me a very inexpensive rent, I was helping them afford a nicer house (they owened). We had family meals a few times a week (less cooking) and it was really fun. I would love to do something similar now if I had the right house and right friends. And we are all high-earners, this wouldn’t be our ornament necessity.

That said, different people like different things. I wouldn’t give up your apartment, OP. And I wouldn’t move in without being engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lived with my husband for nearly 5 years and we bought a home together before marrying so obviously I have no issue with cohabitation.

But no way would I ever, EVER, under any circumstances barring financial ruin, agree to move into a room in group house situation with multiple housemates as a 32 year old. To me that's a sign they are still in college mode.

Or it could mean they’re not high earners despite being gainfully employed and can’t afford the outrageous rents. Or it could mean they enjoy a family type setting. It could mean a lot of things that aren’t necessarily negative.

I think it sounds amazing. I lived with a married couple and their sister after college. I was able to save so much money because they gave me a very inexpensive rent, I was helping them afford a nicer house (they owened). We had family meals a few times a week (less cooking) and it was really fun. I would love to do something similar now if I had the right house and right friends. And we are all high-earners, this wouldn’t be our ornament necessity.

That said, different people like different things. I wouldn’t give up your apartment, OP. And I wouldn’t move in without being engaged.

PP, were you plowing any/all of them?

[Anonymous]

Don’t move in with him. Group house? No. Either stay in separate places until you’re married or get a third place so neither of you is in the position of “winning” or “losing.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be very curious about how he envisions his future: group living with spouse? I wouldn’t move in. From the way you describe him and yourself, it’s hard to see you guys as compatible in the long term, regardless of living arrangement. You sound like more of a homebody or maybe just typical, with a preference for normal privacy and he sounds unusually...social? restless? Unconventional? Not sure if the word but he doesn’t seem like a guy looking for nuclear family/marriage.

+1. His lifestyle right now isn't conducive to getting married and starting a family. Honestly, this set up sounds a little immature. I knew lots of people/couples in early to mid 20's doing this in a rental, but it's really unconventional for people in their 30's to do this, especially with a married couple.

OP, you're overdue for a discussion regarding what you both want your futures to look like. Figure that out now - don't waste your fertility on someone you might not be compatible with. You've dated for over a year and you're 32. Figure that out now.