Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?
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Anonymous
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I've been in a relationship for just over a year now and we're bringing up the idea of moving in together, albeit vaguely. We're avoiding the elephant in the room question of who moves in with whom, and ?I'm afraid it might prove to be a bigger lifestyle difference than we bargained for.
We are both 32 years old. I think he assumes I would be moving in with him. I want to be with him, but I don't want to move into his place, though a part of me fears that it's because I'm getting old and too set in my ways to compromise. His living situation: He co-owns a house in the District with two other housemates and rents a room. He makes a good salary and is also very frugal. He has grown up with communal living (had multiple siblings and usually shared a room as a kid) and has never lived alone. He loves his house, likes the location and loves his housemates (a husband and wife) and their purchase of the house from the landlord has been a years long process. My living situation: I rent a one-bedroom apartment in Maryland for myself. It's rent controlled, an amazing deal for what it is, separate garden entrance etc, great neighbors but lots of privacy. I always prefer when he stays over here than me staying over there for the night, because of the housemate situation. Don't get me wrong, they are great people, but I like privacy. If I moved in with him there, I would be SHARING a ROOM with him in a GROUP house, and would have no private space to retreat to on my own. Everything is communal and they live together with everything shared like a family. I'm also involved in a lot of civic organizations in Maryland and really don't want to move to the District. I like my space and privacy and really don't want to share any living space with anyone other than a life partner. I've lived alone for four years (did the group house with roommates thing in my 20s which was fine for my 20s, but not anymore) and I am spoiled. I like peace and quiet. But I also understand that renting is throwing money away and that homeownership builds equity. I have no idea what kind of contribution or stake in the ownership I would have in his house. We haven't gotten that far into the discussion yet. Is my resistance to changing my living situation indicative of something greater in the relationship, or is it more my fault for not being more open minded and willing to compromise? I always figured if it were the right person, I could live in a box under a bridge with them and be happy. But the downsizing to a shared room seems unbearable. All of my nice things and the furniture I inherited from my great aunt - where would it go? I feel guilty about caring about such material things, but it is a real concern. How do I even approach this kind of discussion with my partner? |
Anonymous
| Don't move in. Tell him you've thought about it. Moving in with him and his roommates is a NO GO! You'll be the unofficial cook, toilet cleaner, cook and more. Wait another year for a ring then if he's still not sure, move on. |
Anonymous
| PP here, also if you go over all these details with him, he will be totally overwhelmed. Guys ALWAYS say: yeah! let's move in together then turn their attention back to the TV and don't give it another thought. Just avoid the topic entirely from here on out. Just continue happily dating him and making plans for your life, pursuing your interests, setting aside time to date him and hang out, but not researching joint accounts, real estate laws, potential new homes for you to rent or own together. Trust me, all of a sudden you will be "moving too fast" and "pressuring him". |
Anonymous
| 32 and moving into a group house with his roommates?? Wtf? No |
Anonymous
| What's driving the move in talk? It's not an automatic next step. Sounds like both of you are fine in your own living arrangements. No need to change anything. |
Anonymous
| Yeah, group houses are a hard no in your 30s. Would you be amenable to finding a new place together? |
Anonymous
One last point - you wouldn't have any equity stake in his house. Why would you? |
Anonymous
| This isn't about who is moving in with whom; this is about compatibility. You're not compatible. This is not a life partner for you. And if you are female and want kids (not sure from your post), your clock is running out. Not the guy for you. You don't have to hate them or have them be horrible people to be not the right person for you. |
Anonymous
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Just don't move in - tell him you feel no ringy - no bringy - or no ringy - no movie-in-y - and then you have time to figure this out
I am trying to understand his vision if he's planning to eventually get married - is he really planning to share a house while married?? |
Anonymous
Haha, no they wouldn't make me their servant! They have a rotating wheel of chores like roommates of my past had done. They cook together and share all their food, which is also something I am not willing to do. Also edited to clarify that he "rents a room" meaning a third room in the house is rented out to a fourth housemate. So are three bedrooms - his, the other bedroom shared by the husband and wife, and a third bedroom rented out to a fourth roommate. Ive brought this up to some other married or partnered friends and they seem to describe communal living like it's a normal part of young urban adulthood and shouldn't be a big deal, and that if I'm truly ready to to commit in a partnership, I should be ready to share my space. But I don't want to. I'm extroverted during the day and I love being out and about and meeting people, but I am a total introvert at night/in the early morning and really don't want to share everything with other people. |
Anonymous
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I would start casually asking some questions about his long-term plans for where he would want to live. Does he envision living in this group housing situation for the rest of his life? Does he see it as a way to get on the path to homeownership and just as a sort of interim thing? I would ask him generally speaking like, "Do you think you'd still be happy living in a group house if you were married and had kids of your own?" His answers to that may help inform what you do next.
Anecdote: I bought my house from a guy who originally had bought it with a male friend of his. They both lived in the house for a few years, until the guy bought out his friend and moved his girl friend in. They got married and had kids and lived in the house just as a family. I wonder if your bf may plan to do something similar? You don't know unless you ask - but try not to make it come across as an ultimatum - more just a curiosity about what sort of lifestyle he wants to live in a few years once married (to whomever). |
Anonymous
Well, his roommates are a married couple so it probably seems normal. Nevertheless, an additional person would change the whole house's routine. Do you even know they are willing to have you move in? Bottom line, you like privacy and you like your stuff. Do not give in on this! I would maybe compromise on a new place in a different location. But not roommates. If you can't have an adult conversation about this, maybe you have a communication problem. Married couples need to be able to discuss things openly. It may be that he doesn't want to move in with you, and is clinging to the group home because he knows you won't do it. Men will do things to preserve a relationship even when they know they don't want to marry. |
Anonymous
| If your live together scenario is not logical now, you are risking too much for too little. |
Anonymous
Most (not all!) people ready to commit in their 30s are willing to share their space with their SO, not other housemates. Your friends are not giving you good advice. Are they willing to live with 3 or 4 other people? Most people do not and would not. Look, if the relationship progresses, get a place together with just the two of you. Get married and have kids if you both want. If he owns part of his current house, he can rent that out. Your not wanting to move into his house under current circumstances is the only sane approach. |
Anonymous
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It seems a little unusual to me that adults - married adults no less! - in their 30s would live in a group house, and one that they CO OWN at that! Did you say they rent a room to a 4th person? Was it a move to financial independence with a house they were already living in and the landlord was agreeable? It seems so short sighted. What about when the married couple wants to have children -- they do this in the group house or they have to time it around a lease? Is every party capable of buying the other out? Are they stuck?
I wouldn't be interested in that at all. I can also understand why your boyfriend doesn't want to move to MD. Usually, when two adults move in together and both living situations are less than ideal and they can afford it, they move to a NEW place they can split the rent on. Your boyfriend can do this while retaining his ownership in the house. Seems like you two would move to Silver Spring or something. I mean, you're in your almost mid 30s. There is no need to live in the middle of a downtown or in a suburb, but if no one is willing to compromise, then there's not much you can do. |