Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lived with my husband for nearly 5 years and we bought a home together before marrying so obviously I have no issue with cohabitation.

But no way would I ever, EVER, under any circumstances barring financial ruin, agree to move into a room in group house situation with multiple housemates as a 32 year old. To me that's a sign they are still in college mode.

Or it could mean they’re not high earners despite being gainfully employed and can’t afford the outrageous rents. Or it could mean they enjoy a family type setting. It could mean a lot of things that aren’t necessarily negative.

I think it sounds amazing. I lived with a married couple and their sister after college. I was able to save so much money because they gave me a very inexpensive rent, I was helping them afford a nicer house (they owened). We had family meals a few times a week (less cooking) and it was really fun. I would love to do something similar now if I had the right house and right friends. And we are all high-earners, this wouldn’t be our ornament necessity.

That said, different people like different things. I wouldn’t give up your apartment, OP. And I wouldn’t move in without being engaged.

That sounds fun, but the difference is that you didn't all own it together. The married couple could get rid of roommates when they're ready to have kids.

[Anonymous]

If he were committed to you he would propose and either sell his part of his house to the couple or rent out his room.

I would look at someone like they were crazy if she said she was moving into a GROUP home in her 30s with her boyfriend. I would wonder if that was a cover story for moving into a half way house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not compatible. Move on.

How much moving on can a 32 year old woman do during a pandemic?

So she should double down on the wrong thing? Makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

I’m very extroverted and there’s no way I could do the group house. But he might be afraid of the quiet / loneliness of your place. What if you did a test run - you move in with him long term (a month or so) and vice versa? You each keep your places and reassess in a few months.

[Anonymous]

OP, what are you looking for in a relationship long term?

[Anonymous]

I don't think there's anything inherently weird about the boyfriends living situation. I imagine it went like this: At age 25-28, he was living with 2 good guy friends in a 3 bedroom row house in the city - with rent at about $5000 a month. A totally reasonable way of living. When they were 28, the landlord said he wanted to sell - and the tenants have right of first refusal per DC law. The third friend said he wasn't interested. The other friend is at this point in a very serious relationship. The only way this financially works out is for the two of them to buy together - because the house costs $850,000. It's not a forever plan, but it's a financially better move than buying a one-bedroom condo for $500k each (that won't appreciate in value as much as a house), neither one can afford the $850k house by themselves, and a psychologically better plan than moving to a cheaper place in the suburbs (for someone who likes to be in the city). I think that if you've got a really good best friend that you've enjoyed living with for all these years, this kind of living arrangement can make a lot of sense.

That said, it's totally reasonable that OP doesn't want to move into this situation. I wouldn't!

That also said.... if i'm her boyfriend who clearly values city living.... there's no chance in hell i'd be moving to the suburbs or silver spring. But that's where OP wants to live - also a reasonable thing.

So where does that leave them? Duh. Have a conversation with the BF about this. Are you moving towards marriage? If so, what does he think about the living plans? Where are you currently spending most of your overnights? If he says that he's not close to marriage - then problem solved. If he says he plans to live in this arrangement in perpetuity - then problem solved. If he says he hasn't thought much about it but understands that you wouldn't want to live there - then you get to discuss it like mature adults and come up with a medium term solution. Like maybe renting a 2 bedroom in the city, while he rents his other place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a relationship for just over a year now and we're bringing up the idea of moving in together, albeit vaguely. We're avoiding the elephant in the room question of who moves in with whom, and ?I'm afraid it might prove to be a bigger lifestyle difference than we bargained for.

We are both 32 years old. I think he assumes I would be moving in with him. I want to be with him, but I don't want to move into his place, though a part of me fears that it's because I'm getting old and too set in my ways to compromise.

His living situation: He co-owns a house in the District with two other housemates and rents a room. He makes a good salary and is also very frugal. He has grown up with communal living (had multiple siblings and usually shared a room as a kid) and has never lived alone. He loves his house, likes the location and loves his housemates (a husband and wife) and their purchase of the house from the landlord has been a years long process.

My living situation: I rent a one-bedroom apartment in Maryland for myself. It's rent controlled, an amazing deal for what it is, separate garden entrance etc, great neighbors but lots of privacy. I always prefer when he stays over here than me staying over there for the night, because of the housemate situation. Don't get me wrong, they are great people, but I like privacy.

If I moved in with him there, I would be SHARING a ROOM with him in a GROUP house, and would have no private space to retreat to on my own. Everything is communal and they live together with everything shared like a family. I'm also involved in a lot of civic organizations in Maryland and really don't want to move to the District. I like my space and privacy and really don't want to share any living space with anyone other than a life partner. I've lived alone for four years (did the group house with roommates thing in my 20s which was fine for my 20s, but not anymore) and I am spoiled. I like peace and quiet. But I also understand that renting is throwing money away and that homeownership builds equity. I have no idea what kind of contribution or stake in the ownership I would have in his house. We haven't gotten that far into the discussion yet.

Is my resistance to changing my living situation indicative of something greater in the relationship, or is it more my fault for not being more open minded and willing to compromise? I always figured if it were the right person, I could live in a box under a bridge with them and be happy. But the downsizing to a shared room seems unbearable. All of my nice things and the furniture I inherited from my great aunt - where would it go? I feel guilty about caring about such material things, but it is a real concern. How do I even approach this kind of discussion with my partner?

I wouldn't do this and I wouldn't stay with any guy who wanted me to do this.

[Anonymous]

That sort of communal living situation only works if everyone is already good friends to begin. It's hard to ask an SO who doesn't know the other people to move into that situation. He should recognize that and rent a new place with OP. He can rent out his room to cover costs.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I wouldn't agree to move in with him. There's nothing inherently wrong with his living situation, but I'm an introvert who needs space/time to myself and that kind of arrangement sounds like living hell to me. So if he weren't willing to move out once we're ready to move in together, it would be a non-starter and probably would mean the relationship doesn't have a future.

If he is willing to move out, though, I think you need to be open to both of you finding a new place together. There could be a whole host of reasons why your apartment isn't right for him, so you need to be willing to compromise as well. If you're not willing to move out of your home, then you may not be ready to move in with him either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a relationship for just over a year now and we're bringing up the idea of moving in together, albeit vaguely. We're avoiding the elephant in the room question of who moves in with whom, and ?I'm afraid it might prove to be a bigger lifestyle difference than we bargained for.

We are both 32 years old. I think he assumes I would be moving in with him. I want to be with him, but I don't want to move into his place, though a part of me fears that it's because I'm getting old and too set in my ways to compromise.

His living situation: He co-owns a house in the District with two other housemates and rents a room. He makes a good salary and is also very frugal. He has grown up with communal living (had multiple siblings and usually shared a room as a kid) and has never lived alone. He loves his house, likes the location and loves his housemates (a husband and wife) and their purchase of the house from the landlord has been a years long process.

My living situation: I rent a one-bedroom apartment in Maryland for myself. It's rent controlled, an amazing deal for what it is, separate garden entrance etc, great neighbors but lots of privacy. I always prefer when he stays over here than me staying over there for the night, because of the housemate situation. Don't get me wrong, they are great people, but I like privacy.

If I moved in with him there, I would be SHARING a ROOM with him in a GROUP house, and would have no private space to retreat to on my own. Everything is communal and they live together with everything shared like a family. I'm also involved in a lot of civic organizations in Maryland and really don't want to move to the District. I like my space and privacy and really don't want to share any living space with anyone other than a life partner. I've lived alone for four years (did the group house with roommates thing in my 20s which was fine for my 20s, but not anymore) and I am spoiled. I like peace and quiet. But I also understand that renting is throwing money away and that homeownership builds equity. I have no idea what kind of contribution or stake in the ownership I would have in his house. We haven't gotten that far into the discussion yet.

Is my resistance to changing my living situation indicative of something greater in the relationship, or is it more my fault for not being more open minded and willing to compromise? I always figured if it were the right person, I could live in a box under a bridge with them and be happy. But the downsizing to a shared room seems unbearable. All of my nice things and the furniture I inherited from my great aunt - where would it go? I feel guilty about caring about such material things, but it is a real concern. How do I even approach this kind of discussion with my partner?

The bolded is the problem. You've been together for a year, you're 32, you're looking towards being life partners, but you can't have a difficult conversation? That's a major, major problem. Maybe you can work out a living arrangement that will suit you both, maybe you can't. But if you can't have an open, honest conversation about each other's preferences, needs, and goals, this will never work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems a little unusual to me that adults - married adults no less! - in their 30s would live in a group house, and one that they CO OWN at that! Did you say they rent a room to a 4th person? Was it a move to financial independence with a house they were already living in and the landlord was agreeable? It seems so short sighted. What about when the married couple wants to have children -- they do this in the group house or they have to time it around a lease? Is every party capable of buying the other out? Are they stuck?

I wouldn't be interested in that at all. I can also understand why your boyfriend doesn't want to move to MD.

Usually, when two adults move in together and both living situations are less than ideal and they can afford it, they move to a NEW place they can split the rent on. Your boyfriend can do this while retaining his ownership in the house. Seems like you two would move to Silver Spring or something. I mean, you're in your almost mid 30s. There is no need to live in the middle of a downtown or in a suburb, but if no one is willing to compromise, then there's not much you can do.

This is very common for millennials who graduated with horrible debt and want to own a home in an area they’re priced out of out the gate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been in a relationship for just over a year now and we're bringing up the idea of moving in together, albeit vaguely. We're avoiding the elephant in the room question of who moves in with whom, and ?I'm afraid it might prove to be a bigger lifestyle difference than we bargained for.

We are both 32 years old. I think he assumes I would be moving in with him. I want to be with him, but I don't want to move into his place, though a part of me fears that it's because I'm getting old and too set in my ways to compromise.

His living situation: He co-owns a house in the District with two other housemates and rents a room. He makes a good salary and is also very frugal. He has grown up with communal living (had multiple siblings and usually shared a room as a kid) and has never lived alone. He loves his house, likes the location and loves his housemates (a husband and wife) and their purchase of the house from the landlord has been a years long process.

My living situation: I rent a one-bedroom apartment in Maryland for myself. It's rent controlled, an amazing deal for what it is, separate garden entrance etc, great neighbors but lots of privacy. I always prefer when he stays over here than me staying over there for the night, because of the housemate situation. Don't get me wrong, they are great people, but I like privacy.

If I moved in with him there, I would be SHARING a ROOM with him in a GROUP house, and would have no private space to retreat to on my own. Everything is communal and they live together with everything shared like a family. I'm also involved in a lot of civic organizations in Maryland and really don't want to move to the District. I like my space and privacy and really don't want to share any living space with anyone other than a life partner. I've lived alone for four years (did the group house with roommates thing in my 20s which was fine for my 20s, but not anymore) and I am spoiled. I like peace and quiet. But I also understand that renting is throwing money away and that homeownership builds equity. I have no idea what kind of contribution or stake in the ownership I would have in his house. We haven't gotten that far into the discussion yet.

Is my resistance to changing my living situation indicative of something greater in the relationship, or is it more my fault for not being more open minded and willing to compromise? I always figured if it were the right person, I could live in a box under a bridge with them and be happy. But the downsizing to a shared room seems unbearable. All of my nice things and the furniture I inherited from my great aunt - where would it go? I feel guilty about caring about such material things, but it is a real concern. How do I even approach this kind of discussion with my partner?

The bolded is the problem. You've been together for a year, you're 32, you're looking towards being life partners, but you can't have a difficult conversation? That's a major, major problem. Maybe you can work out a living arrangement that will suit you both, maybe you can't. But if you can't have an open, honest conversation about each other's preferences, needs, and goals, this will never work out.

100% this.

[Anonymous]

Your 32. Been together for a year. Time to get married or move on. If he hasn’t brought that up he probably just isn’t that into you. Move along to the next one.