Relationship at an impasse - who moves in with whom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was a bad business decision for this guy to be invested in a group house with a married couple. How strange.

I think it’s kinda brilliant actually, at some point they’ll want to live there by themselves and they will have to “rent” from him. Otherwise they have to sell the house or buy him out. Either way he wasnt throwing money away on rent and possibly makes some extra money.

[Anonymous]

I would not move into a house with roommates. I wouldn't even date someone that age who wasn't independently living on their own, but that's besides the point. Time for him to grow up.

[Anonymous]

This is a pretty intriguing question! Because he is a bit stuck in that shared ownership sitaution.

Some things to consider:

1. what is his plan for housing, with or without you? Does he want to be in that house forever? When he wants to move out, what is his plan -- to be bought out? to rent out his rooms? for everyone to sell the house and split the proceeds? (btw, I saw this happen across the street from me -- a married couple and a signle woman bought a house together from the landlord at a great deal. HOWEVER, when one party wanted to move, their friendship totally fell apart. The other woman did not want to move, but the couple couldn't afford to buy them out, so they all sold it. The woman was really pissed and never forgave them. All three said they would NEVER do a shared ownership sitaution again.)

2. I wouldn't move in with this guy until you get engaged. Something about being engaged just leads to MUCH more realistic planning. The future isn't hypothetical anymore.

3. Your home life sounds really lovely!

4. All that being said, one of my happiest living situations was with my boyfriend, my best friend and her husband in a huge house in Takoma Park. It was just wonderful. But it had to end at some point (when they had a kid), and luckily it was a rental, so we could very easily separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't do this unless it was a relationship heading towards marriage (or whatever long-term goal you have for the relationship.) If it is a serious relationship heading towards marriage, then you both ought to be able to discuss your preferred living situation with honesty and come to a compromise. Even if you do get engaged, it's not reasonable for him to expect you to adapt to his living situation with no compromises. I think the person who mentioned getting rid of the roommate was on the right track. You'd also have to think about what you'd want with housing if/when you had kids.

This. Why are you considering moving in at this point? Either you decide to marry so you discuss your future living arrangements, or you continue to just date, or you split up.

Do you want children? You're 32 and have dated for over a year. If you want kids then you need to have a serious talk about the future now. Your fertility is ticking away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's driving the move in talk? It's not an automatic next step. Sounds like both of you are fine in your own living arrangements. No need to change anything.

One last point - you wouldn't have any equity stake in his house. Why would you?

Agree. Don’t know why OP thinks she would

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you haven't really talked to him about it, but if you're going to get married one day, this is something you need to just talk about.

So no pressure be like, 'Hey I've been thinking about our future and I just wanted to talk about it. Do you think this is moving towards something serious and we might want to move in together sometime in the next couple of years? If so, I just want to make sure we're on the same page. I think I'm past living with a bunch of roommates. No pressure, we don't need to make decisions tomorrow, but I just want you to know how I feel about it so we can decide if we're compatible in this way. I'm not saying I'd expect you to move or anything, but I feel like our lifestyles are so different right now and have been wondering how we would combine them in a way where we'd both be happy, what do you think?"

People dance around conversations and then no one ever expresses themselves properly. You don't have to be aggressive or demanding or mean about it, but have a conversation. You'll feel better afterward for at least knowing where you stand. If he's someone you're going to be with forever, this should be one of the easier conversations/compromises you negotiate.

[Anonymous]

32 and moving into a group living situation? Big hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you haven't really talked to him about it, but if you're going to get married one day, this is something you need to just talk about.

So no pressure be like, 'Hey I've been thinking about our future and I just wanted to talk about it. Do you think this is moving towards something serious and we might want to move in together sometime in the next couple of years? If so, I just want to make sure we're on the same page. I think I'm past living with a bunch of roommates. No pressure, we don't need to make decisions tomorrow, but I just want you to know how I feel about it so we can decide if we're compatible in this way. I'm not saying I'd expect you to move or anything, but I feel like our lifestyles are so different right now and have been wondering how we would combine them in a way where we'd both be happy, what do you think?"

People dance around conversations and then no one ever expresses themselves properly. You don't have to be aggressive or demanding or mean about it, but have a conversation. You'll feel better afterward for at least knowing where you stand. If he's someone you're going to be with forever, this should be one of the easier conversations/compromises you negotiate.

To me, this sounds so offensive with respect to his lifestyle choices...he is a co-owner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about who is moving in with whom; this is about compatibility. You're not compatible. This is not a life partner for you. And if you are female and want kids (not sure from your post), your clock is running out. Not the guy for you. You don't have to hate them or have them be horrible people to be not the right person for you.

+1. Dump him and move on OP. Your clock is ticking.

[Anonymous]

To me, the only reasonable compromise is to find a neutral place together somewhere in between where you live now. He rents his room or is bought out, and you give up your rent controlled apartment (which if your not willing to give up means this guy is not for you). I would not bring up living together at all and if he does then tell him you’d love to start a life together in a new space and when does he want to start looking for apartments. If he says, he thought you’d move in with him ....I’d say, if we are going to move in together than we need a real trial run on what it’s like to live as a couple and sharing a space with others is not going to allow for that.

[Anonymous]

It sounds as if you haven't actually talked about it. Get ready for that conversation. What is YOUR ideal? What is your "acceptable, if not ideal" solution? What is your "unacceptable" solution? Sounds like the current group home is unacceptable.

You mention not having private space in the house ... but you live in a one bedroom, if he moved THERE he'd have no private space (nor would you).

Sounds like you need a new together place.

I don't think this is actually a problem ... if you are respectful of his (apparently very social) needs. And he is respectful of your needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a pretty intriguing question! Because he is a bit stuck in that shared ownership sitaution.

Some things to consider:

1. what is his plan for housing, with or without you? Does he want to be in that house forever? When he wants to move out, what is his plan -- to be bought out? to rent out his rooms? for everyone to sell the house and split the proceeds? (btw, I saw this happen across the street from me -- a married couple and a signle woman bought a house together from the landlord at a great deal. HOWEVER, when one party wanted to move, their friendship totally fell apart. The other woman did not want to move, but the couple couldn't afford to buy them out, so they all sold it. The woman was really pissed and never forgave them. All three said they would NEVER do a shared ownership sitaution again.)

2. I wouldn't move in with this guy until you get engaged. Something about being engaged just leads to MUCH more realistic planning. The future isn't hypothetical anymore.

3. Your home life sounds really lovely!

4. All that being said, one of my happiest living situations was with my boyfriend, my best friend and her husband in a huge house in Takoma Park. It was just wonderful. But it had to end at some point (when they had a kid), and luckily it was a rental, so we could very easily separate.

This.
Moving in together before engagement is almost always a bad deal for a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you haven't really talked to him about it, but if you're going to get married one day, this is something you need to just talk about.

So no pressure be like, 'Hey I've been thinking about our future and I just wanted to talk about it. Do you think this is moving towards something serious and we might want to move in together sometime in the next couple of years? If so, I just want to make sure we're on the same page. I think I'm past living with a bunch of roommates. No pressure, we don't need to make decisions tomorrow, but I just want you to know how I feel about it so we can decide if we're compatible in this way. I'm not saying I'd expect you to move or anything, but I feel like our lifestyles are so different right now and have been wondering how we would combine them in a way where we'd both be happy, what do you think?"

People dance around conversations and then no one ever expresses themselves properly. You don't have to be aggressive or demanding or mean about it, but have a conversation. You'll feel better afterward for at least knowing where you stand. If he's someone you're going to be with forever, this should be one of the easier conversations/compromises you negotiate.

To me, this sounds so offensive with respect to his lifestyle choices...he is a co-owner

Really? If she would be unhappy in an environment like this and he wants to proceed in the relationship than he should know now so he can think about what that means and what compromise would help them both get what they need.

I, like OP, would never move in with a permanent expectation of living in a group home. Maybe there is a decent transition or whatever, but I wouldn't be raising my kids with other family's in the house. And OP it sounds like really needs personal space. She should be able to communicate that to someone she wants to cohabitate with. Communicating isn't demanding, its being clear about your needs and wants up front so you can work together so both people are happy.

And honestly if her boyfriend reacts like you did, thinking its entirely impossible for him to ever break free from this arrangement then its better OP knows now so she can move on because that won't work for her.

I don't understand these games people play, if people were clear about their expectations in relationships up front and did the work to make sure they communicate well all the time, then resentment doesn't build up.

[Anonymous]

/\ just to follow up. I'm not saying the group house lifestyle is inherently bad. Just that some people like it and want to live that way and others don't. And if two people from opposite camps are thinking about building a life together they should sort that out before one ends up perpetually unhappy.

[Anonymous]

The next step in your relationship is not moving in together. The next step in your relationship is getting engaged and planning a life together once you’ve both committed to each other. You each can continue to live in your own spaces until you both are ready for that next step.