No acknowledgement for kids’ achievements

[Anonymous]

It could be that they are narrow-minded people who don’t grasp the value of real accomplishment. Or they could be crabs in a bucket. No reason why they can’t praise their grandchild for graduating from college while simultaneously praising another for getting a job after dropping out.

OTOH, this could be an outcome of their poor relationship with you and your DH. Meaning, you act superior to them and their other kids/grandkids (either overtly or subtly) and they pick up on that and as a result don’t care to foster a relationship with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Your expectations are unreasonable...and unflattering to you.

[Anonymous]

OP. It is obvious to your LMC relatives that your immediate family and kids are very privileged. You can afford tutors and expensive extracurricular activities for your kids. They know you are absolutely dedicated to the success of kids success. They know your kids will be just fine because you are investing a lot of time and money to raised them as high achieving adults.

The adult grandchild you are speaking ill of, likely were not raised with the same privileges. Their life is a struggle. You are the one being petty to not realize it is not all about YOU helping your young kids make Eagle Scout or win the spieling bee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. It is obvious to your LMC relatives that your immediate family and kids are very privileged. You can afford tutors and expensive extracurricular activities for your kids. They know you are absolutely dedicated to the success of kids success. They know your kids will be just fine because you are investing a lot of time and money to raised them as high achieving adults.

The adult grandchild you are speaking ill of, likely were not raised with the same privileges. Their life is a struggle. You are the one being petty to not realize it is not all about YOU helping your young kids make Eagle Scout or win the spieling bee.

Also, most kids do not achieve success on their own. Most parents have to dedicate time and resources to facilitate theIr kids success. I was raised an only child and my upper middle class parents were selfish and completely hands-off with raising me; hence, I struggled and never finished college. I didn’t learn good parenting skills until after my second child. As well, genetics does play a huge role in intelligence and executive functioning skills. It is not necessary to undermine less fortunate people. I admire people, like the owner of Jimmy Johns, who achieve high success despite their struggles to graduate high school.

[Anonymous]

This is a really patheric thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have my sympathies OP. Most of my extended family did not value education or careers. When my cousins got engaged or pregnant, it was celebrated like the second coming of Christ, even if they were just teenagers or in their early 20s! Meanwhile, academic and professional accomplishments were barely acknowledged at all. My mom and aunt had to explain to my grandmother why getting into college was such a huge deal for me, after she simply said, "That's nice. Did you hear that cousin so-and-so is pregnant again?" when I told her about my first college acceptance letter. [/quote


Np. Yes ditto. Sounds a lot like my extended family. I think this is fairly common.

Sorry OP. You need to accept it and move on. They won’t change.

[Anonymous]

I don't have this situation currently, but when I've experienced this, it doesn't bother me deeply, it only solidifies my beliefs. It's ok to grow apart because of values/differences. Remaining respectful is important. Your kids accomplishments don't impress them as they don't value them/don't have a frame of reference for education mattering. Just share as you like and pretend to also be suitably impressed by the things that don't impress you either.

I've seen good professional/hard working people boast about sad accomplishments like adult kids getting jobs/new car/cleaning up the house where they are living rent free/whatever... things that should have been a given, growing up how they did... they end up celebrating what they have. I think families just respond by 'celebrating' all the good things the various grandkids are doing. Just plow forward and once your kids are old enough to be aware of the difference, just explain it to them so hopefully they continue your values in valuing education/learning/climbing professional ladders instead of living paycheque to paycheque, not growing, etc.

I gave up one day when I was explaining an internship my mother asked about and my mother couldn't stop interrupting me repeatedly to tell me things like how beautiful and shiny my older sister's hair was and how she vacuumed the floors for her and how nice she was. She was 37 at the time, jobless and living at home. The parents were not elderly/infirm, they just weren't pushing her out of the nest. I just quietly said "My hair is shiny as well. I clean my home daily and I think I'm nice too". "Of course you are honey... I'm just letting you know what xxx is up to!" Massive eyeroll.

Literally there was a time that I could say my toddler was cleaning up his books and my mother would say "Your sister did that here today! He gets it from her!"..... ok, cool! I lost my mother a few years later so can no longer hear her goofy comparisons but I can honestly say I'd eyeroll through them again if I could.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read all of the replies but am stuck on the LMC comment and that you don’t think they praise your kids enough. They are your kids, not theirs.

DH and I both grew up poor but it was all we knew. His mother and my parents gave the kids so much attention. The fawning was smothering in the younger years. My FIL never cared about any of that stuff and would maybe give a huff if acknowledgement at some school award. He has a different type of personality.

My kids are teens now and have relationships with all of their grandparents. It wasn’t dependent on if grandma or grandpa congratulated them enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They don’t have a relationship with my kids even though we live close by. That’s what really hurts. Not interested because they can’t relate. They have a close relationship with the others bc they babysat when we paid for childcare. They don’t like schedules so could never make time to see my kids in between their activities and schoolwork. Pretty soon I stopped inviting them to games and concerts and ceremonies. My kids did work regular jobs too. One time my kid was working in a mall and MIL stops by the store to say I’m only here because I had to drop by the Apple store and then proceeded to talk 15 minutes about how great my kids’ cousin was doing because he could afford to move out after getting a job at a restaurant. MIL has no idea that my kids were doing those jobs at a younger age and one started own business and made enough to pay for a year of college. So it’s not only the obscure accomplishments, but even the regular things like getting a job at 15 or starting a business.

Did you know that some families develop relationships almost entirely over meals and holiday gatherings?

I can't think of one ceremony, concert, or game that the grandparents or aunts and uncles of my kids came to, from either my side or my husband's. They still have relationships. They're just not applause-based.

[Anonymous]

Grew up working class. Crabs in a bucket mentality might explain it. I remember even my dad, the most working of working class and very skeptical of higher education, complaining that my uncle was so hyped when his 16 year old daughter bought a car. Well, I mean, a car means you can drive to a job.

[Anonymous]

You are placing your value system on your in-laws. Your value in what you view as accomplishments, may not be theirs. Let them enjoy your children for being children and not for winning the next award. See if having ice cream together or something else that doesn't need applause helps.

[Anonymous]

I learned never to speak of my children's accomplishments to my relatives, by their attitudes about my sister's bragging. If they should ask, maybe but I know they have little understanding.

[Anonymous]

You might be less favored than your siblings so your children are also. Did your parents praise you as much as your siblings or did you have to do much more to get noticed? It’s an unfortunate tendency for parents to have favorites and some don’t try very hard to hide it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, read up on "crabs in a bucket" to understand the way some people react to other's successes.

+1

Thank you. This nails the mentality I have seen a lot of here.

This. I'm from a LMC family and "crabs in a bucket" describes it well. You could have heard the silence when I was the first person in my family to graduate from college. (Thankfully my parents and sibling were supportive.)

They just don't care OP, and when they do, it's definitely not positive.

They want to let you know in no uncertain terms that your education does not make you better than them or their other relatives. It’s not nice but there it is. Working class people have their own way of being snobs

[Anonymous]

I was your kid. I used to think I was better than my cousins — because of those activities and awards, and because my parents all but told me I was — but I wasn’t. You have a strained family relationship not because you’re just so different, but because you think you’re better and they know it.