No acknowledgement for kids’ achievements

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s ridiculous that you need them to fawn over your child. I grew up a straight A student, varsity sport, and student gov president - it was expected and there wasn’t much praise. Your children should be seeking these accomplishments for themselves and their goals not praise. Does your family love your children. Yes. Get over it. No? Then you have a bigger problem than them not providing ample praise and recognition.

+1 That was how my family was structured as well and as an adult I appreciate it made me live in a way that was truly self-directed and not in pursuit of someone else's praise and approval.

+2 Also some more down-to-earth folks will view it as bragging and don't want in on that.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, op, your complaints are an example of looking to be offended. Having a job after dropping out of college is a way to say, "he will be alright." Working and earning money should be praised.
Your scout badge and getting good grades mean absolutely nothing, nothing in life. You are asking LMC to value some badge or a paper from school kids? They know what matters, working and earning money. Quite frankly, even colleges are more impressed with teens working than having a badge.
Who gives a damn about SAT scores? It is a score, can't buy bread or rice even! It is not them that got their praise priorities out of whack. It is you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they’re missing out on that relationship because you’re an unbearable snob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, op, your complaints are an example of looking to be offended. Having a job after dropping out of college is a way to say, "he will be alright." Working and earning money should be praised.
Your scout badge and getting good grades mean absolutely nothing, nothing in life. You are asking LMC to value some badge or a paper from school kids? They know what matters, working and earning money. Quite frankly, even colleges are more impressed with teens working than having a badge.
Who gives a damn about SAT scores? It is a score, can't buy bread or rice even! It is not them that got their praise priorities out of whack. It is you.

Well said. The accomplishments they praise are really big deals. First chair and $2.50 will get you a cup of coffee. OP seems elitist and doesn’t seem to value those whose jobs and accomplishments are less than those of her stature. I find her post offensive.

[Anonymous]

Your kids awards are not just obscure to them. They are actually obscure to every normal person!

[Anonymous]

Like many people, they are not child-centric and consider adult achievements to be more important than children ones.

It’s not how I live, but you need to accept most of the world still thinks like this. The wealthy or aspiring education-valuing, child-centric parenting is a very tiny minority.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They don’t have a relationship with my kids even though we live close by. That’s what really hurts. Not interested because they can’t relate. They have a close relationship with the others bc they babysat when we paid for childcare. They don’t like schedules so could never make time to see my kids in between their activities and schoolwork. Pretty soon I stopped inviting them to games and concerts and ceremonies. My kids did work regular jobs too. One time my kid was working in a mall and MIL stops by the store to say I’m only here because I had to drop by the Apple store and then proceeded to talk 15 minutes about how great my kids’ cousin was doing because he could afford to move out after getting a job at a restaurant. MIL has no idea that my kids were doing those jobs at a younger age and one started own business and made enough to pay for a year of college. So it’s not only the obscure accomplishments, but even the regular things like getting a job at 15 or starting a business.

[Anonymous]

It’s outside of their frame of reference. Would it be better for them to put on a show of celebrating something that is important to others but somewhat alien to them? Is there an objective reality in which your examples are more worthy of celebration than theirs? Maybe they’re uncomfortable with or intimidated by your world of things that they don’t know.

[Anonymous]

I’m one of your children in this scenario and it still happens when I visit my family (different state) and I’m almost 49 yo. In my case, I think it happens because they’re trying to compensate for the other grandchildren (my cousins) - my brother and I grew up in a home where our parents are still married (no step-parents, half siblings, step-siblings), no drug/alcohol issues, very successful professionally and because of that, didn’t have the same daily struggles, so my grandparents (particularly my maternal grandmother) wanted to highlight the good things going on in my cousins’’ lives. I now understand that, but growing up I felt that I couldn’t do anything well enough to receive any acknowledgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They don’t have a relationship with my kids even though we live close by. That’s what really hurts. Not interested because they can’t relate. They have a close relationship with the others bc they babysat when we paid for childcare. They don’t like schedules so could never make time to see my kids in between their activities and schoolwork. Pretty soon I stopped inviting them to games and concerts and ceremonies. My kids did work regular jobs too. One time my kid was working in a mall and MIL stops by the store to say I’m only here because I had to drop by the Apple store and then proceeded to talk 15 minutes about how great my kids’ cousin was doing because he could afford to move out after getting a job at a restaurant. MIL has no idea that my kids were doing those jobs at a younger age and one started own business and made enough to pay for a year of college. So it’s not only the obscure accomplishments, but even the regular things like getting a job at 15 or starting a business.

It sounds like your kids are college age/adults now? The ship has sailed for all of this. You are going to have to allow the natural consequences of this type of behavior work its course and if that means your adult children don't have a bond with their grandparents, then that's how it goes, even if it's sad. Whether they have a lack of bond because of perceived favoritism, not a lot of time spent with their grandparents when younger etc, there's nothing you can do about it now. You need to own your decision to use childcare rather than grandparent help, by the way. It was a decision that made a lot of sense, because your kids and way of life comes first - and many grandparents would have made more of an effort to balance out the time spent with the grandkids they didn't provide childcare for. If they didn't do that, that's not your fault.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand people with a chip on their shoulders forever. I also don't understand the need to praise kids non stop. Sure, it would be nice if they treated grandkids equally. Maybe they are not praising your kids because they know they have you, and because they know they are doing ok. Maybe these other grand kids need a lot more support and they are hoping that this praise will encourage them to work hard?

[Anonymous]

My mom is like that. I ignore it and pulled back our relationship. She will brag about everyone else grandkids and refuse to participate in concerts, meets or anything else and I basically told her I don't want to hear about other peoples kids I don't know and if she has nothing nice to say about my kids, leave them alone. She'll even babysit/visit her boyfriends grandkids for a week or two in the summer and never have mine over for even an hour. But, she never had nothing nice to say to me growing up or my accomplishments so its not surprising. It is funny as my kids are as smart as her boyfriends grandkids and she has no idea how well mine are doing.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you can, provide a picture of the actual award. When you can provide an official description of the award. I think Grandparents are the only ones that you should be informing, not everyone all the time. You educate them once, inform them once -- ideally your DH does this if they are his parents. And you graciously accept few/no accolades if that is what happens.

[Anonymous]

OP, read up on "crabs in a bucket" to understand the way some people react to other's successes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They don’t have a relationship with my kids even though we live close by. That’s what really hurts. Not interested because they can’t relate. They have a close relationship with the others bc they babysat when we paid for childcare. They don’t like schedules so could never make time to see my kids in between their activities and schoolwork. Pretty soon I stopped inviting them to games and concerts and ceremonies. My kids did work regular jobs too. One time my kid was working in a mall and MIL stops by the store to say I’m only here because I had to drop by the Apple store and then proceeded to talk 15 minutes about how great my kids’ cousin was doing because he could afford to move out after getting a job at a restaurant. MIL has no idea that my kids were doing those jobs at a younger age and one started own business and made enough to pay for a year of college. So it’s not only the obscure accomplishments, but even the regular things like getting a job at 15 or starting a business.

Your kids are doing so much better than their cousins and don’t need the praise.