No acknowledgement for kids’ achievements

[Anonymous]

Does it bother you if grandparents or other relatives don’t acknowledge your kids’ achievements or can’t even appreciate how big those awards are? They are from a LCM background and don’t value education or excelling in sports, music, whatever. My kids could win an Intel scholarship, make first chair, Eagle Scout, perfect SAT, state champion in sport, and it’s met with “I’m so proud of (another grandchild) who was just promoted to supervisor at retail job”. Or Larla who dropped out of college is doing so well because she just bought her own used car from waiting tables. They have a blank stare if told about some obscure to them award or achievement of my kids. I feel like my kids are missing out on a close relationship with them bc they can’t identify with them or spend time with them to get to know them well.

[Anonymous]

Did you grow up receiving a lot of praise for everything? I think this has a lot to do with how people are raised. Also as you said yourself, some of the achievements you mentioned are hard for them to identify with. Constant praised does not necessarily translate to a "close relationship."

Are they generally kind? Show some interest? If so, I think you need to leave it alone. Not everyone's love language is "words of praise." If they're decent in other ways, focus on valuing that.

[Anonymous]

What is LCM?

[Anonymous]

Have you talked with the grandparents about it? Seems like you want them to value things the same way you do, and if you don’t tell them that, how would they even know? Why are you assuming they know they value of an Intel scholarship or what “first chair” means?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is LCM?

I’m guessing lower middle class. My family is like this too. I’ve solved it by just having a surface relationship. Nothing of substance. Seems to work for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is LCM?

I think it’s a typo for LMC.

We’re LMC from working class families. I see a lot of the same type of comments from relatives in my family and DH’s. However, I put a different spin on it. My MIL, in particular, knows firsthand how hard it is to do any sort of physical labor. She prides herself on her hardworking kids and grandkids even if they aren’t successful by US standards. She understands terms like “shift supervisor” better than “assistant director of outreach”, so she might be slightly more excited when the son working in a plant shared his big news.

The grandmother in the OP really is as proud of the kid who bought her own car waiting tables as she is of the kid who wins a national academic competition.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s ridiculous that you need them to fawn over your child. I grew up a straight A student, varsity sport, and student gov president - it was expected and there wasn’t much praise. Your children should be seeking these accomplishments for themselves and their goals not praise. Does your family love your children. Yes. Get over it. No? Then you have a bigger problem than them not providing ample praise and recognition.

[Anonymous]

They don't get how those award and achievements lead to material success. That's ok. I would just ask that they be excited when your kid put in a lot of effort into something and succeeded. Be it academic or financial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does it bother you if grandparents or other relatives don’t acknowledge your kids’ achievements or can’t even appreciate how big those awards are? They are from a LCM background and don’t value education or excelling in sports, music, whatever. My kids could win an Intel scholarship, make first chair, Eagle Scout, perfect SAT, state champion in sport, and it’s met with “I’m so proud of (another grandchild) who was just promoted to supervisor at retail job”. Or Larla who dropped out of college is doing so well because she just bought her own used car from waiting tables. They have a blank stare if told about some obscure to them award or achievement of my kids. I feel like my kids are missing out on a close relationship with them bc they can’t identify with them or spend time with them to get to know them well.

Have you acknowledged the success of that grandchild who was promoted to supervisor or for Larla's purchase of her car to your parents?

[Anonymous]

My mother and father both came from LMC (really my dad grew up in flat-out poverty). They are both successful (my mom especially is has won awards in her career field), and my mom has always felt "unacknowledged" for her success by my grandparents and her siblings. And by her successes, I also include the successes of her children . I don't think my grandparents, aunts & uncles, and cousins, get my mom's striver attitude. They just see my parents as "rich", and are proud of that accomplishment. They could validate my mom every day, and it wouldn't be enough.

[Anonymous]

It is easier to celebrate what you understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is easier to celebrate what you understand.

+1
This is obvious. Also they clearly pick up on your disdain for them. Money can’t buy emotional intelligence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is easier to celebrate what you understand.

+1
This is obvious. Also they clearly pick up on your disdain for them. Money can’t buy emotional intelligence.

+2 I also think that many of the things the grandparents are proud of for their other grandchildren are things that they should be proud of. Getting promoted most definitely is worthy of being lauded. Buying a car is exciting.

OP, your kids are missing out because you can't identify with their relatives and you aren't spending the time to get to know them well. Start walking your talk and then maybe your claims will have merit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s ridiculous that you need them to fawn over your child. I grew up a straight A student, varsity sport, and student gov president - it was expected and there wasn’t much praise. Your children should be seeking these accomplishments for themselves and their goals not praise. Does your family love your children. Yes. Get over it. No? Then you have a bigger problem than them not providing ample praise and recognition.

+1 That was how my family was structured as well and as an adult I appreciate it made me live in a way that was truly self-directed and not in pursuit of someone else's praise and approval.

[Anonymous]

If it’s obscure to them, how do you expect them to react? Why don’t you take the time to explain why it’s important, if it truly is. (I wouldn’t expect anyone to fawn over my kid for a perfect SAT score, she’s a good test taker.)