Apologized to former MIL

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I’m not the freeloader. As indicated before I’m the sole income apart from her child support from her previous marriage. My own kids can’t support me for goodness sakes, their teens. Lots of interesting narratives and assumptions here.

I’m certainly NOT ever showing these threads to anyone. I’m an embarrassing train wreck so I’m really not sure what showing them to anyone would achieve.

I have no peers, lost my friends in the divorce, I’m an only child with barely any family, and I work from home. DCUM is the only place I can think of to get perspective anonymously. It helps to set my bearings when I’m being told by my wife that some idea or plan (like apologizing to my kids) for being absent) is stupid or wrong.

I apologized to ex MIL because it’s been weighing on me for a very long time and I recently learned she’s showing early stages of Alzheimer’s. This was my last chance, perhaps, to have that conversation. I apologized to ex BIL because he is a good man and was family. He is in -absolutely- no position to help me if my life depended on it and lives 700 miles away. Is it possible I’m trying to do the right thing after doing so much damage? :/

If someone thinks I’m NPD/BPD I’m all ears as to why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry. I don’t mean to troll. This is sort of therapeutic, as I slowly think things through and try to regain my sanity and bearings. I’m utterly isolated, cognitively damaged, and very depressed (thanks Wellbutrin) so I appreciate those of you who can put up with me.

The responses when we fight always seem to come down to “after all I’ve done for you!”

OP, aside from financially, why do you feel trapped?

I made a promise, in a church, to marry her. I am a Christian and as naive as that may sound and may be I take it seriously. The first promise I made - the best one - I broke. I'm scared of what happens if I do it again.

She has no source of income apart from mine. (Of course I am effed financially, but for now anyway I am THE income.)

I am scared about my mental and physical health being alone. I have not been "independent" (solo) to speak of since about four months after graduating from college almost 25 years ago.

Her kids have not had a stable father figure in years. Only one kid is left at home. Granted, I am doing a piss-poor job of being a step dad because I came in late to the picture, because of depression, and because I feel so utterly disconnected from their mother. I just can't feel like I can honestly generate the enthusiasm when I feel so ambiguously about their mother.

Wife noted with bitterness the other day I only seem happy when I am texting or talking to my kids. She was right. We miss each other terribly and it's almost like the past year-year and a half didn't happen. I apologized to my kids and my youngest sent me the sweetest message back, basically saying "you're my father, I forgave you a long time ago" and she accepted my explanation of why I went radio silent (trying to save my health by avoiding drama - I didn't get into the detail of the drama being largely driven by my wife).

If she had a job and could support herself in any way I probably would have given up and left by now.

I'm a Christian who is also divorced. Did the ground swallow you up into hell the first time? Didn't think so. You're honestly using this ridiculous excuse for absolutely no reason. YOU ARE ALREADY DIVORCED. Doing it again doesn't damn you further.

[Anonymous]

OP here - sidebar on Christianity, skip if you’re not interested - on another forum (a Christian one, specifically related to marriage) there is a range of views. Leave because I’m already an adulterer having divorced; stay and work it out and do the therapy I should have done in the first marriage; leave and stay single for the rest of my life (which for the first time ever is starting to seem appealing).

Of course the ground does not open up and swallow anyone after sinning, no matter what. But there is certainly a debate to be had about how to proceed, esp since my first wife remarried and the possibility of reconciliation is now gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - sidebar on Christianity, skip if you’re not interested - on another forum (a Christian one, specifically related to marriage) there is a range of views. Leave because I’m already an adulterer having divorced; stay and work it out and do the therapy I should have done in the first marriage; leave and stay single for the rest of my life (which for the first time ever is starting to seem appealing).

Of course the ground does not open up and swallow anyone after sinning, no matter what. But there is certainly a debate to be had about how to proceed, esp since my first wife remarried and the possibility of reconciliation is now gone.

DP. I was raised in an evangelical household and our church taught that remarriage after divorce was adultery unless you divorced for your spouse’s adultery. So I think that interpretation is very common.

(Btw I don’t say that judgmentally as my parents were a second marriage)

I thought I remembered from your other posts that your second wife was the other woman in your first marriage?

[Anonymous]

He is basically using this thread and forum to show his kids and family that he is "atoning". Mainly he wants to ditch his second wife and kids because he does not want to support them or is financially ruined and wants to save his backside.

He is creating a "paper trail" of his remorse and atonement. He is showing that he is so scared and feeble that he cannot leave his 2nd wife. LOL.

Then he will direct his kids or relatives here, or these people are already on DCUM. What an utter POS person he is! He is a vindictive man who wants to WIN and come out ahead of his 2nd wife and kids if/when he leaves them.

His first wife knows what a POS he is and has already married and moved on. He is basically preying on the emotions of his biological kids so that he can park his ass in their lives.

This sounds like a ton of projection to me. I have read all of OP's threads and do not agree with your interpretation AT ALL. OP certainly has his issues, but you have a whole raft of them yourself.

[Anonymous]

Well, maybe it was selfish and done to assuage guilt on your part, considering that your ex-MIL may not even actually comprehend the apology at this point. I don't know why your current wife is so upset about it, though, unless she suspects that you're trying to get in your ex's good graces again, or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Ex sent an email thanking me for calling her mother. Said her mother was hurt I never called after the divorce and that she'll probably forget this call but it meant a lot (to her, my ex).

My daughter happened to call her grandmother on her cell phone, grandmother confusingly answered and so daughter overheard her talking and figured out it was me. Told her mother.

Wife blew up. My daughter is nosy for listening in on the call, she should not have told her mother, she violated boundaries, I was selfish for calling, why was my ex-MIL such a big deal anyway (because I knew her forever? because I helped a lot after her husband died? because was a kind person and the mother of my G, then wife?).

Basically wife's main theme seems to be since it bothers her I should shut it all down and make sure none of that ever happens again.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is controlling and probably narcissistic. You sound co-dependent. She makes everything you do about her and casts even the positive in a negative light. You need to leave your abuser. She is beyond toxic and is using you for financial support, so she is trying to keep you under her thumb so that does not disappear. Please tell us your plan for getting away from her.

[Anonymous]

OP, go do something useful. Make and distribute masks for COVID. Or go and protest peacefully for BLM. Or try and save the environment. I mean there are many things you can do instead of wallowing in your fake misery.

Otherwise, you are a loser and will continue to be a loser.

[Anonymous]

OP, please answer the most important question of all:

What is your plan to get away from our abusive wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does OP want from us? I can understand the need to manipulate people you meet who can do something for you but this forum is anonymous. What is there for him to gain?

He is basically using this thread and forum to show his kids and family that he is "atoning". Mainly he wants to ditch his second wife and kids because he does not want to support them or is financially ruined and wants to save his backside.

He is creating a "paper trail" of his remorse and atonement. He is showing that he is so scared and feeble that he cannot leave his 2nd wife. LOL.

Then he will direct his kids or relatives here, or these people are already on DCUM. What an utter POS person he is! He is a vindictive man who wants to WIN and come out ahead of his 2nd wife and kids if/when he leaves them.

His first wife knows what a POS he is and has already married and moved on. He is basically preying on the emotions of his biological kids so that he can park his ass in their lives.

You sound like an extremely paranoid person... or are you the OP's current wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is controlling and probably narcissistic. You sound co-dependent. She makes everything you do about her and casts even the positive in a negative light. You need to leave your abuser. She is beyond toxic and is using you for financial support, so she is trying to keep you under her thumb so that does not disappear. Please tell us your plan for getting away from her.

Sigh

The line I keep getting is “after everything I’ve done for you”.

I have no plan because my finances are a mess and just leaving would leave her with almost nothing.

I think this will end in one giant blow up fight.

[Anonymous]

OP, the fact that your current wife IS CHOOSING not to work is not your problem. What the hell does she do all day?

It's not your problem, nor is it an excuse to stay with an abusive spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the fact that your current wife IS CHOOSING not to work is not your problem. What the hell does she do all day?

It's not your problem, nor is it an excuse to stay with an abusive spouse.

She is focusing on beginning an alternate type of lifestyle out of the “corporate economy” for lack of a better word. Sustainability etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we can’t help you. You are clearly resigned to having your life utterly destroyed by your current wife, and instead of reclaiming your balls and walking away, all you do is post asinine questions on DCUM. No one here can solve that issue for you.

This. No more advice until you leave the current wife. It’s ridiculous. You are determined to be a victim. Stop posting already.