Apologized to former MIL

[Anonymous]

You may remember me from threads related to new wife keeping me and my children separated, spending a lot, etc.

Anyway, for a long time I felt terrible about not returning my ex-MIL’s calls during the divorce process. She was literally like a mother to me. Her health is getting worse and for some time I have felt it laid on my heart to apologize before it is too late.

Current wife and I kept fighting about it - she said it was selfish and serving my needs (ie, my guilt), I should leave her in peace, she raised a terrible daughter, etc.

Fast forward I called last night and we had a nice talk. I apologized and told her how much she meant to me and that I was sorry. Her memory is going so I had to remind her of a lot. She was as sweet as could be. We talked about “old times”.

Wife and I had another fight after and she called me selfish, that it was all about MY need to apologize, etc. I tried to explain it was about setting things right and seeking forgiveness (I was prepared for not receiving it), telling her she was important to me and I’m sorry I disrespected her by never calling, I’m sorry about the divorce and impact etc.

I got talked over by wife (again) and basically walked away.

Was I right to call? Am I some secret egocentric ass or did the woman deserve my apology? I seriously don’t know what to think anymore.

[Anonymous]

Of course you are right to call. The bigger question is why are you married to this woman who, based on what you wrote, sounds like a nutjob.

[Anonymous]

OP, we can’t help you. You are clearly resigned to having your life utterly destroyed by your current wife, and instead of reclaiming your balls and walking away, all you do is post asinine questions on DCUM. No one here can solve that issue for you.

[Anonymous]

You were right, but you need to see a therapist about why you keep marrying terrible women. Seriously. You seem like a kind person and deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were right, but you need to see a therapist about why you keep marrying terrible women. Seriously. You seem like a kind person and deserve better.

Yes. I feel so badly for you (not pity). What a kind thing you did. I think your wife feels completely threatened by a lot. She needs a therapist, too.

[Anonymous]

Why did you need to get approval from your wife? Can you not have a conversation and say whatever you like without her permission?

[Anonymous]

Kindness is never wrong.

You apologized to someone who was owed one.

[Anonymous]

Calling was the right thing to do. Now the next right thing to do is deal with your new wife and stop being walked over.

[Anonymous]

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you need to get approval from your wife? Can you not have a conversation and say whatever you like without her permission?

Speaking of which I had my first call with my kids in over a year a few weeks ago. Wife INSISTED it be on speaker so she could hear. (Incidentally kids are thrilled to reconnect and we text multiple times a day and now talk every few days.)

Everything comes down to my lack of judgment (which I concede based on illness/cognitive issues) but that seems to excuse infantilizing me in every situation. In other words, you have bad judgment here and here, so everything needs to be vetted first.

Wife also demanded a “truthful” retelling in full of my convo with ex MIL, which we have not had yet.

I hate my life but for now am trapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you need to get approval from your wife? Can you not have a conversation and say whatever you like without her permission?

Speaking of which I had my first call with my kids in over a year a few weeks ago. Wife INSISTED it be on speaker so she could hear. (Incidentally kids are thrilled to reconnect and we text multiple times a day and now talk every few days.)

Everything comes down to my lack of judgment (which I concede based on illness/cognitive issues) but that seems to excuse infantilizing me in every situation. In other words, you have bad judgment here and here, so everything needs to be vetted first.

Wife also demanded a “truthful” retelling in full of my convo with ex MIL, which we have not had yet.

I hate my life but I am choosing to be miserable.

Fixed that for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you need to get approval from your wife? Can you not have a conversation and say whatever you like without her permission?

Speaking of which I had my first call with my kids in over a year a few weeks ago. Wife INSISTED it be on speaker so she could hear. (Incidentally kids are thrilled to reconnect and we text multiple times a day and now talk every few days.)

Everything comes down to my lack of judgment (which I concede based on illness/cognitive issues) but that seems to excuse infantilizing me in every situation. In other words, you have bad judgment here and here, so everything needs to be vetted first.

Wife also demanded a “truthful” retelling in full of my convo with ex MIL, which we have not had yet.

I hate my life but for now am trapped.

Why do you even run this shit by your wife? Why don't you just go for a drive, pull over, and make the call?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you are right to call. The bigger question is why are you married to this woman who, based on what you wrote, sounds like a nutjob.

+1000

[Anonymous]

You were right to call. Acts of kindness are never wasted.

I haven't been following your posts, but I seriously think you need to talk with a professional that specializes in emotional abuse.
I wish you well in your efforts to foster healthy relationships with your family -- including your former MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you need to get approval from your wife? Can you not have a conversation and say whatever you like without her permission?

Speaking of which I had my first call with my kids in over a year a few weeks ago. Wife INSISTED it be on speaker so she could hear. (Incidentally kids are thrilled to reconnect and we text multiple times a day and now talk every few days.)

Everything comes down to my lack of judgment (which I concede based on illness/cognitive issues) but that seems to excuse infantilizing me in every situation. In other words, you have bad judgment here and here, so everything needs to be vetted first.

Wife also demanded a “truthful” retelling in full of my convo with ex MIL, which we have not had yet.

I hate my life but for now am trapped.

OP, your response to her demand for a play-by-play of the convo is “no thank you. I think I’ll just keep that conversation between us. But I’m really glad I made it because now that it’s done, I really do feel it was the right thing for me to do.”

If she argues and continues to insist that you are selfish: “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
If she continues to insist you tell her what was said: “That’s not necessary and I’m not going to do that.”

Calmly. Every time.
If she escalates and loses her shit then that’s on her.
Plan your exit. You chose poorly.