How not to get a divorce because of dishes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so true! I’ve always told people my divorce was due to my XH never putting his dishes in the dishwasher. It was the last straw. We both worked full time out of the house and all kid and house duties were left to me. It didn’t start that way, he was a great partner and put forth an effort early in our marriage. Once the kids came I just became the default everything. He would sit on the couch on his computer while I’d be cleaning or mowing the lawn (no kidding). He complained about how I did his laundry. It finally dawned on me that he didn’t value me or my time, and the extra fee seconds it would have taken him to load the dishes were more important to him than my time. I slowly lost respect for him and started to resent him. Of course I didn’t realize any of this until after we split and I had some time to reflect. Honestly it got to the point where he didn’t add any value to the relationship. And my workload with the house actually became less when he moved out because I had one less person to take care of.

I think a lot of wives feel this way. If feasible, hiring yard maintenance and housekeepers would be worth your time, energy, sanity and relationship. But resent and lack of respect/equality does not work. Glad you made the move to be happier. Out of curiosity, How is exDH nowadays?

He coupled up pretty much immediately and remarried another woman who is waiting on him hand and foot. He’s literally incapable of being alone. He’s on family version 2.0 now and having more kids. He’ll be 70 when his most recent kid graduates from college. Not the life I’d want for myself but different strokes for different folks. He seems happy.
.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man, and in the last 15 years of the marriage my wife didn't do dishes once. Not one single time. She didn't do any other housework either. I decided if I was going to be in a relationship, it would be with someone who wasn't lazy or entitled.

Now I am divorced, living in a clean house, and dating a thoughtful, industrious, attractive younger woman.

+10. Of all the women I dated, only the one I married turned out to be utterly lazy and entitled.... but I bend over and take it to keep the home together for our k-12 kids.

She must have been hot though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP, I am raising my daughter to be equal to my son. I am raising my son to be equal to my daughter. I am raising both of them to take care of themselves independently and to be able to take care of a family independently. I am raising them to become equal partners in a future domestic relationship; neither should grow up to be the slave to another human.

My time is as valuable as my husband's. It is not my job to clean up after him (even if you think it is easy or quick or nice for me to do so.) All the time that my husband expected me to do his share of cleaning, planning, child raising, grocery shopping, etc. Is time that I could have spent on my own personal and career development and building relationships with others. I don't mind doing 50%; I expect that. I will not do more than 50%. That extra time that my husband expected me to spend on him is simply a theft of time and a hindrance to my ability to accumulate all kinds of capital (physical, financial, social, etc.). I also will not abide by rules that do not also apply to my husband. If one parent goes out with buddies for an evening, the other parent has a right to equal personal time.

I divorced my husband because he believed that different rules and responsibilities applied to him than applied to me. I did not marry to become a servant to another grown adult, and I sure as hell wasn't going to model that kind of servant relationship for my kids. Better that they grow up in a divorced home but grow into thoughtful independent adults, than model my exDH's behavior.

Sometimes marriage is 70/30 or 30/70. It's never 50/50. It's obvious why you're divorced.

Marriage is about 70/70

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so true! I’ve always told people my divorce was due to my XH never putting his dishes in the dishwasher. It was the last straw. We both worked full time out of the house and all kid and house duties were left to me. It didn’t start that way, he was a great partner and put forth an effort early in our marriage. Once the kids came I just became the default everything. He would sit on the couch on his computer while I’d be cleaning or mowing the lawn (no kidding). He complained about how I did his laundry. It finally dawned on me that he didn’t value me or my time, and the extra fee seconds it would have taken him to load the dishes were more important to him than my time. I slowly lost respect for him and started to resent him. Of course I didn’t realize any of this until after we split and I had some time to reflect. Honestly it got to the point where he didn’t add any value to the relationship. And my workload with the house actually became less when he moved out because I had one less person to take care of.

You really trivialize your broken family this way? By telling people you put your children through that trauma because he wouldn't put the dishes in the dishwasher?


Do you think this is funny or something? Do you understand how people judge you when you put it that way?

Response from the article, that you did not read, and do not understand:

[b]Of course, it wasn’t about the glass. “It felt to her like I just said, ‘[b]Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are,’” he recalled.[/b]

I don't think PP gives a damn if you judge her. That says more about you than it does about her or the ending of the marriage.

Of course I judge her. She sounds like a henpecker of a wife who was unable to choose hills to die on, so she internalized laziness. She blew up her kids' life because of that. Projecting her own failings on her husband in such a flippant way demonstrates lack of internal perspective and the notion that such a sarcastic response is somehow apropos is further evidence of that. Typical shrew behavior.

Of course I judge her. She sounds like an empowered wife who was unwilling to do the work that a grown man could do himself, so she asked him to do his own work. He blew up his kids' life because he was unwilling to clean up after himself. Insisting on her equality to her husband in such a firm way demonstrates her commitment to her own equality and to raising her kids in gender equality and the notion that such a firm response is somehow apropos is further evidence of that. Typical empowered female behavior.


FTFY

PP, I am raising my daughter to be equal to my son. I am raising my son to be equal to my daughter. I am raising both of them to take care of themselves independently and to be able to take care of a family independently. I am raising them to become equal partners in a future domestic relationship; neither should grow up to be the slave to another human.

My time is as valuable as my husband's. It is not my job to clean up after him (even if you think it is easy or quick or nice for me to do so.) All the time that my husband expected me to do his share of cleaning, planning, child raising, grocery shopping, etc. Is time that I could have spent on my own personal and career development and building relationships with others. I don't mind doing 50%; I expect that. I will not do more than 50%. That extra time that my husband expected me to spend on him is simply a theft of time and a hindrance to my ability to accumulate all kinds of capital (physical, financial, social, etc.). I also will not abide by rules that do not also apply to my husband. If one parent goes out with buddies for an evening, the other parent has a right to equal personal time.

I divorced my husband because he believed that different rules and responsibilities applied to him than applied to me. I did not marry to become a servant to another grown adult, and I sure as hell wasn't going to model that kind of servant relationship for my kids. Better that they grow up in a divorced home but grow into thoughtful independent adults, than model my exDH's behavior.

Sometimes marriage is 70/30 or 30/70. It's never 50/50. It's obvious why you're divorced.

Sorry, but that's the thing people who don't do their fair share say. Women aren't buying it any more.

[Anonymous]

I do the lion's share of the work around my house while working full-time. My dw works part-time and by dcurbanmom standards should be doing much more. I don't resent her for it. She's never been good at keeping a tidy, well organized house. She has lots of other great qualities and I focus on those. if the house isn't perfect at times, so be it. I'm not blowing up my kids lives just because I'm required to do 30% more of the work. I get there's more to it than just splitting responsibilities but maybe your DH is just a slob and it has nothing to do with respect or inequality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so true! I’ve always told people my divorce was due to my XH never putting his dishes in the dishwasher. It was the last straw. We both worked full time out of the house and all kid and house duties were left to me. It didn’t start that way, he was a great partner and put forth an effort early in our marriage. Once the kids came I just became the default everything. He would sit on the couch on his computer while I’d be cleaning or mowing the lawn (no kidding). He complained about how I did his laundry. It finally dawned on me that he didn’t value me or my time, and the extra fee seconds it would have taken him to load the dishes were more important to him than my time. I slowly lost respect for him and started to resent him. Of course I didn’t realize any of this until after we split and I had some time to reflect. Honestly it got to the point where he didn’t add any value to the relationship. And my workload with the house actually became less when he moved out because I had one less person to take care of.

You really trivialize your broken family this way? By telling people you put your children through that trauma because he wouldn't put the dishes in the dishwasher?


Do you think this is funny or something? Do you understand how people judge you when you put it that way?

Response from the article, that you did not read, and do not understand:

[b]Of course, it wasn’t about the glass. “It felt to her like I just said, ‘[b]Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are,’” he recalled.[/b]

I don't think PP gives a damn if you judge her. That says more about you than it does about her or the ending of the marriage.

Of course I judge her. She sounds like a henpecker of a wife who was unable to choose hills to die on, so she internalized laziness. She blew up her kids' life because of that. Projecting her own failings on her husband in such a flippant way demonstrates lack of internal perspective and the notion that such a sarcastic response is somehow apropos is further evidence of that. Typical shrew behavior.

Of course I judge her. She sounds like an empowered wife who was unwilling to do the work that a grown man could do himself, so she asked him to do his own work. He blew up his kids' life because he was unwilling to clean up after himself. Insisting on her equality to her husband in such a firm way demonstrates her commitment to her own equality and to raising her kids in gender equality and the notion that such a firm response is somehow apropos is further evidence of that. Typical empowered female behavior.


FTFY

PP, I am raising my daughter to be equal to my son. I am raising my son to be equal to my daughter. I am raising both of them to take care of themselves independently and to be able to take care of a family independently. I am raising them to become equal partners in a future domestic relationship; neither should grow up to be the slave to another human.

My time is as valuable as my husband's. It is not my job to clean up after him (even if you think it is easy or quick or nice for me to do so.) All the time that my husband expected me to do his share of cleaning, planning, child raising, grocery shopping, etc. Is time that I could have spent on my own personal and career development and building relationships with others. I don't mind doing 50%; I expect that. I will not do more than 50%. That extra time that my husband expected me to spend on him is simply a theft of time and a hindrance to my ability to accumulate all kinds of capital (physical, financial, social, etc.). I also will not abide by rules that do not also apply to my husband. If one parent goes out with buddies for an evening, the other parent has a right to equal personal time.

I divorced my husband because he believed that different rules and responsibilities applied to him than applied to me. I did not marry to become a servant to another grown adult, and I sure as hell wasn't going to model that kind of servant relationship for my kids. Better that they grow up in a divorced home but grow into thoughtful independent adults, than model my exDH's behavior.

Sometimes marriage is 70/30 or 30/70. It's never 50/50. It's obvious why you're divorced.

Sorry, but that's the thing people who don't do their fair share say. Women aren't buying it any more.

Enjoy your life alone. Men aren't taking it either. A few losers don't speak for the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do the lion's share of the work around my house while working full-time. My dw works part-time and by dcurbanmom standards should be doing much more. I don't resent her for it. She's never been good at keeping a tidy, well organized house. She has lots of other great qualities and I focus on those. if the house isn't perfect at times, so be it. I'm not blowing up my kids lives just because I'm required to do 30% more of the work. I get there's more to it than just splitting responsibilities but maybe your DH is just a slob and it has nothing to do with respect or inequality.

I don’t know. It’s not just about doing it. It’s kind of the attitude of the other person. If it’s “I don’t care about this, and I really appreciate you picking up the slack here,” then that’s great. If it’s “I don’t care about this, and it’s stupid for you to care about it,” then that kind of wears on you.
That kind of attitude translates to other things too. Like sex and foreplay, caring for children, exercise, meals, paid employment, etc.
For example, there are always the guys on here saying that they don’t care of their wives work or not as long as they are attractive. If you feel that your wife’s job is superfluous and don’t care about it, feel that you could easily live without her income, and can’t understand that SHE cares about it, then how does it go when her paid employment impinges on your free time?
It really isn’t about the dishes. It’s about not seeing your spouse as a separate individual who might have different goals and values than you do and understanding that those are perfectly reasonable. Women certainly do this too. I’m not saying that they don’t. But it’s so much less common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man, and in the last 15 years of the marriage my wife didn't do dishes once. Not one single time. She didn't do any other housework either. I decided if I was going to be in a relationship, it would be with someone who wasn't lazy or entitled.

Now I am divorced, living in a clean house, and dating a thoughtful, industrious, attractive younger woman.

+10. Of all the women I dated, only the one I married turned out to be utterly lazy and entitled.... but I bend over and take it to keep the home together for our k-12 kids.

She must have been hot though

My ex is short, fat, and homely. But she did really love anal.