Perfectionist mom can’t deal with mess

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My dad has OCD and I’ve started worrying I’m crossing the line. I always thought of it like a spectrum and I was very mild. In fact I liked how organized I was and didn’t see it as a problem. It’s helped me at work also. But I don’t want to be a rigid mom who is not letting my kids have a fun childhood.

I’d be grumpy too if I were 3 and all my mom did was make me clean up messes. It’s hard to get their cooperation too. The 1 year old is pretty wild and defiant.

Because of their ages they can’t clean at the end of the day- it’s too overwhelming for them and they can’t remember where stuff goes.

It’s just exhausting but I guess that’s how it is? Yes they were in daycare and on weekends we did a lot out of the house so this wasn’t a problem before. I wasn’t exaggerating about 3 hours. I clean/laundry/dishes from 8-11pm when I go to bed. The mess sucks.

Dh can’t help because he teleworks all afternoon and night. But he does a lot and is a great dad and husband

OP, as someone who has been evaluated for OCD, what I was told was that I ought to consider medication if it was affecting my life. Like, if I couldn't leave the house unless it was at the top of the hour and was therefore late for work if it was 7:01 so I had to sit there for 59 minutes until it turned to 8. (Luckily I've never been like that, I only insist on setting my alarm in 15-minute increments...). Or if I couldn't stand to host anything because people might move a couch pillow out of place. Or if it affected a relationship because I wanted everything in the fridge put away perfectly straight with the labels facing outward. I've discovered that while I like things to be perfect, I am able to compromise as needed such that it does not have a negative impact on my life. If it did, I would consider medication. Since you feel like your perfectionism is starting to affect your mental health (i.e. the rage you're feeling), you may want to consider a telehealth appointment to see if you should look into medication to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be a voice of dissent. I don’t clean as I go, but I don’t leave it all day either. I actually ran an income daycare before this all started. I do a few cleanups as part of our schedule throughout the day. Let the house be a disaster all morning and clean up before lunch or during nap. Clean up after dinner before bath. But don’t waste one sorting toys back into bins all day long as nauseam, just two or three “resets.”

And get rid of more stuff! Even if it’s just moved into bins in the basement for the next month. Less toys and more outdoor time!

OP works. Her kids are 1 and 3. I imagine it's really difficult to have them outdoors all day while she's trying to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^op here. The dishes take an hour. Several pans, load the dishwasher and wiping everything down. We cook a lot. Sometimes I prep something for the next day. Vacuuming alone is 15 min (and it needs vacuumed for sure! I used to only vacuum weekly) Picking up each room is like 15 min. Laundry, folding. And weekly I do bathrooms which takes time (they could use it more often but no time). There’s a lot I never get to like dusting or mopping or wiping down windows (they’re covered in handprints).

I’m really working on not being rigid and praising any effort they make. I don’t want my kids to think they’re not good enough. Just hard
I don’t mind cleaning and I listen to books on tape while I go. I’ve never had a cleaning lady or even needed one but this is just excessive mess.

I'm a PP. I definitely feel you with the mess, but yea, I think you need to streamline AND lower you expectations. My kids are the same ages as yours. You just don't need to vacuum everyday, I promise. Maybe sweep the kitchen, but that takes 2 minutes. Is everyone eating all their foods at the table? For your meals, come on, you don't need several pans. Make more one pot meals! The dishes should not be taking an hour. We cook and eat every meal at home, from scratch, and my dishes do not take an hour. Don't fold your clothes. You should all be wearing stretchy clothes! For your kids, just put all the t-shirts in one stack and the pants in another and put them in the drawer - no folding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be a voice of dissent. I don’t clean as I go, but I don’t leave it all day either. I actually ran an income daycare before this all started. I do a few cleanups as part of our schedule throughout the day. Let the house be a disaster all morning and clean up before lunch or during nap. Clean up after dinner before bath. But don’t waste one sorting toys back into bins all day long as nauseam, just two or three “resets.”

And get rid of more stuff! Even if it’s just moved into bins in the basement for the next month. Less toys and more outdoor time!

OP works. Her kids are 1 and 3. I imagine it's really difficult to have them outdoors all day while she's trying to work.

Some set ups are harder than others, but my husband set up a desk in the garage so he can keep an eye out on our four year old as he rides a bike on our driveway. I sit on the deck while the four year old and one year old dig in the sandbox. Our yard isn’t fenced, but they stay close. It’s difficult right now, but you can make it easier on yourself.

For example, don’t get them set up with puzzles until the playdo is cleaned up. No need to have two messy activities going concurrently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a huge perfectionist. I get what you are saying. I am you, times ten. I face every label in the pantry facing forward. I will throw out every expired food by one day. Kids toys in bins are all labeled. Legos are color coordinated. But during quarantine, I said f it. I now wash clothes once a week and we get clean clothes out of a huge pile in the middle of the floor because I don’t have time to put it away and I prefer sanity over folded clothes. I now clean the playroom by just shutting the door. What I am saying is, figure out what is a priority and what is not. It’s ok to have your priorities change every now and then. My priorities is not a clean and neat house. It is my sanity

This post just made me feel so much better about myself as a parent.

Thank you. Sincerely. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP what are you doing for the three hours every night? Is it like scrubbing the play dough table with a toothbrush, or just putting things away in a very specific way?

I agree with the person who said go outside as much as possible. And the clean up song.

[Anonymous]

OP, a one year old is a baby. Not "wild and defiant."

You really sound like you do need some help, maybe consider therapy to help you deal with the need to be excessively clean and tidy.

[Anonymous]

I have the same ages, OP, and I hate life right now. I feel really bad for working parents right now; I can't imagine how awful it must be.

One thing that helps me to accept mess is remembering a podcast episode in which a mom of grown kids was asked what was something she'd go back and tell herself as a younger mother. She said something like, "Let the messes go a bit. It's going to create so much stress and anger for you, and you're going to look back and say, 'was a clean house really worth all that?'" When I see books strewn on the floor I try to remember that. (Here is the ep: https://www.coffeeandcrumbs.net/season-four/2019/4/30/ep65-parenting-for-the-long-haul)

The other thing that helps me to accept the mess is something I read in "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen," the authors say that a mess does not register with or bother kids at all -- they just have a completely different reading of the room than we do. So they're not thinking, "this room is a mess and I don't care;" they are thinking, "which toy am I going to play with?" Taking away the feeling of, "They're just making messes to spite me!" helped me detach from it a bit.

I'm so sorry. This is awful. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP we are so similar. I have OCD and am a huge perfectionist, especially when it comes to my home (being an interior designer doesn't help). Here is what I have tried:

-declutter constantly. Toys that don't get played with and old clothes get packed up neatly and labeled and put into storage. I try to do this once a month. It's a lot easier to clean when you have almost nothing out. Also, kids are more likely to play with toys when there are fewer. Actually true!

-hiding spots. I have big baskets in every room, when I walk through the room and can't stand it it takes 30 seconds to just throw everything into the basket, this at least gets it off the floor

-recognizing that for me, having a clean house is crucial to keeping my anxiety in check and the trade off of feeling like I'm constantly cleaning is worth it to me. I've just made peace with that. I also try to remind myself that my issues are not my husbands and kids issues and it's not fair for me to make them live by my standards (within reason). This helps me from building too much resentment.

Have you tried Zoloft? It's been a life saver for me

[Anonymous]

I do laundry once/week and always have (my kids are now 12 and 15). I've never understood the need to do laundry daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do laundry once/week and always have (my kids are now 12 and 15). I've never understood the need to do laundry daily.

Cool story bro

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do laundry once/week and always have (my kids are now 12 and 15). I've never understood the need to do laundry daily.

I'd go insane trying to do all my laundry in one day not to mention it would take forever in an HD machine. Five people in the house, five sets of sheets to launder weekly (6 if we have guests), bath and kitchen towels, towels for the pets (we have two dogs), add in the occasional shower curtain or bath mat depending on the mess at hand.

[Anonymous]

1) Choose a certain amount of toys that are easy to clean up and just live “out” for them to haul around. For us that was stuffed animals. When they are little and want to carry things from room to room, give them access to a cart or wagon or whatever and their stuffed animals all the time but everything else goes away.

2) The bin thing is good but you need to make only 1 bin at a time accessible. If you can’t lock them in a closet then get a playyard or pack n play and put it all in there. They get one thing at a time. I remember my pre-verbal 1yo would tell me he was ready for a new toy by bringing me the lid to his current toy bin after he had cleaned the toys up.

So e.g., in your example about the 1yo wandering off during playdough, you would re-direct him to help clean up his share of the mess (help vacuum, put some of the playdough away, etc.) and leave the 3yo with only what she can reasonably clean up on her own.

[Anonymous]

Kids make messes and your job is to teach them to clean up after themselves. For the PP who tosses food the day it expires is just wasting food! Take it to a food pantry. Canned goods are good for a year or more after their sell by date. I had some eggs that expired on April 19. I used them all in the past week making frittatas. This far, nobody has died!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do laundry once/week and always have (my kids are now 12 and 15). I've never understood the need to do laundry daily.

Agree. Also, by the time they were four they could bring their laundry basket to laundry area and could fold and put folded clothes in correct drawers.