Perfectionist mom can’t deal with mess

[Anonymous]

I just wish I had some of that cleaning perfectionism.

[Anonymous]

I’m like you. I clean constantly. I like my house to always look clean. Instead of having kids clean up each toy when they’re done with it, can you have them clean up entirely at certain points of the day? So clean up before snack, before lunch, before nap, and after dinner?

[Anonymous]

OP I got big rattan type baskets for mine at that age. They can literally clean up after themselves if they only have to throw it in a bin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a playroom with a door that shuts. It’s the only room with a door on the first floor but it’s a glass door. Before this all happened Dh and I were on the kids nonstop and toys didn’t leave the playroom. But now we have a bounce house in family room, train table in the living room, legos on the dining room table... Weve been trying to rotate the kids through rooms like they’re “stations” which helps them but does destroy the house. The playroom is too small for the train table or bounce house and we kind of like legos on a table versus on the floor where we step on them.

Back to cleaning I guess. I just wish I could control my anger more.

You are ANGRY at BABIES for being messy? This is a huge Mom fail. Priorities, priorities. Why don't you try to have one space or two off limit spaces? You can decompress with those. Gently encourage cleanup. Find and an Elmo video or similar showing them what to do

To be fair, she didn't say she was angry at her babies. I think OP is being honest that this is an anger problem, not a problem with the kids.

OP, I used to feel this way, but I've just given up on trying to keep things clean all day. It's just not realistic with toddlers. Do you have any sense of why it bothers you so much to leave play dough out for a few hours?

For us, it has helped to set a designated clean up time right before bath where our 1 year old helps clean up her toys. It's mostly just her handing us toys to put in bins, but it keeps her occupied and means there's less to do after bed. And I think the fact that it's part of the routine is helpful. The dumb Barney song seems to help, too. I don't know if this would work with the 3 year old though.

Is your partner helping with the cleanup after bed? Three hours is nuts to pick up toys and do the dishes.

[Anonymous]

I am with you op. I can’t relax or even focus in a dump. Just can’t. It’s so tiring.

[Anonymous]

It’s been awhile since my kids were that little and I am not a perfectionist, but one thing I did at that age was not let my kids play with things I didn’t want to clean up. So maybe no play dough or LEGO’s. Only 2 puzzles instead of 10. Select 10 crayons that can use instead of the entire box. Reduce the amount of things around the house to a level you can manage. And maybe up their screen time to give everybody a break. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I try to stay on top of them before moving to the next toy but it’s hard! So this morning we did play dough at the breakfast table. 20 min of play dough and then the 1 year old (1.5 really) moves on but the 3 year old is still playing. 1 year old starts dumping stuff in another room and then I go see what he’s up to. And then the 3 year old leaves play dough. So I quickly get another activity- puzzles. By the time I have cleaned playdough up (putting it in a bin quickly and vacuuming the crumbs before they get tracked into carpet), they’re done with puzzles. It’s like a 3 ring circus here.

And I’m lucky because today is my day off. Normally I’m teleworking full time. Which means less oversight over their play.

I actually think it would be easier to run a daycare because then there would be more kids. More kids play together and sit together for activities. Get one in line and the rest follow like ducks.

They need to help you clean up before they move to the next activity. Non-negotiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a playroom with a door that shuts. It’s the only room with a door on the first floor but it’s a glass door. Before this all happened Dh and I were on the kids nonstop and toys didn’t leave the playroom. But now we have a bounce house in family room, train table in the living room, legos on the dining room table... Weve been trying to rotate the kids through rooms like they’re “stations” which helps them but does destroy the house. The playroom is too small for the train table or bounce house and we kind of like legos on a table versus on the floor where we step on them.

Back to cleaning I guess. I just wish I could control my anger more.

I agree with the PP who says it sounds like you have way too much stuff. Try rotating things in and out. Bounce house this week, then put it away for two weeks, etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a playroom with a door that shuts. It’s the only room with a door on the first floor but it’s a glass door. Before this all happened Dh and I were on the kids nonstop and toys didn’t leave the playroom. But now we have a bounce house in family room, train table in the living room, legos on the dining room table... Weve been trying to rotate the kids through rooms like they’re “stations” which helps them but does destroy the house. The playroom is too small for the train table or bounce house and we kind of like legos on a table versus on the floor where we step on them.

Back to cleaning I guess. I just wish I could control my anger more.

You are ANGRY at BABIES for being messy? This is a huge Mom fail. Priorities, priorities. Why don't you try to have one space or two off limit spaces? You can decompress with those. Gently encourage cleanup. Find and an Elmo video or similar showing them what to do

Back off. This isn't helpful. Not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a playroom with a door that shuts. It’s the only room with a door on the first floor but it’s a glass door. Before this all happened Dh and I were on the kids nonstop and toys didn’t leave the playroom. But now we have a bounce house in family room, train table in the living room, legos on the dining room table... Weve been trying to rotate the kids through rooms like they’re “stations” which helps them but does destroy the house. The playroom is too small for the train table or bounce house and we kind of like legos on a table versus on the floor where we step on them.

Back to cleaning I guess. I just wish I could control my anger more.

OP, I feel you so much. Have you ever tried meditation? I know, adding one more thing to your already crazed schedule it probably something to roll your eyes out, but it can help change your mindset from reacting (i.e. being angry) to responding. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

1. Keep the mess in certain locations so it doesn't spread. If the spread of toys across the house is your biggest problem but you need the kids to be rotating around the house, find some big boxes to store items in the other rooms.
2. If the kids are bored, you should create more structure so they don't resort to rifling through the boxes and moving on. Can you get them outside more? They make less mess outside.
3. Get back to the cleanup routine. At preschools they sing a song to make it fun.
3. Do a bigger tidy up with your DH once per day.
4. Don't keep calling yourself a perfectionist. Just figure out how to make it work so this is sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Op here. My dad has OCD and I’ve started worrying I’m crossing the line. I always thought of it like a spectrum and I was very mild. In fact I liked how organized I was and didn’t see it as a problem. It’s helped me at work also. But I don’t want to be a rigid mom who is not letting my kids have a fun childhood.

I’d be grumpy too if I were 3 and all my mom did was make me clean up messes. It’s hard to get their cooperation too. The 1 year old is pretty wild and defiant.

Because of their ages they can’t clean at the end of the day- it’s too overwhelming for them and they can’t remember where stuff goes.

It’s just exhausting but I guess that’s how it is? Yes they were in daycare and on weekends we did a lot out of the house so this wasn’t a problem before. I wasn’t exaggerating about 3 hours. I clean/laundry/dishes from 8-11pm when I go to bed. The mess sucks.

Dh can’t help because he teleworks all afternoon and night. But he does a lot and is a great dad and husband

[Anonymous]

I’ll be a voice of dissent. I don’t clean as I go, but I don’t leave it all day either. I actually ran an income daycare before this all started. I do a few cleanups as part of our schedule throughout the day. Let the house be a disaster all morning and clean up before lunch or during nap. Clean up after dinner before bath. But don’t waste one sorting toys back into bins all day long as nauseam, just two or three “resets.”

And get rid of more stuff! Even if it’s just moved into bins in the basement for the next month. Less toys and more outdoor time!

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I can't stay on top of my kids to clean as they go because I need them occupied while I'm doing a conference call or while I work with their older sibling's school assignments. I've been trying to at least spread the cleaning out, so I'll do 15 minutes a few times a day so that at the end of the night, it's just 45 minutes or so of cleaning before I can actually relax.

[Anonymous]

You have a problem. You seem to acknowledge it which is good.

Cleaning for 3 hours every day means that your cleaning is extreme.

You need to learn to let go of things that don't matter - perfectionism is harmful for your kids.

What you can do is throughout the day, stop and do a clean up song. This works best if there is some incentive (a snack or a new thing or a fun moment) after the clean up time. Go to a room and say that everyone has to clean up as much as they can in one minute. Make it a game / song. And then sing a song that lasts a minute with everyone cleaning up the toys in that room for a minute. That gest most things put a way.

There is no way it can reasonably take you more than 20-30 minutes to clean up kids toys at the end of the day. Another 15-30 minutes to clean floors and counters and tables and you are good to go.

Definitely look into therapy when this is over. The need to excessively control your environment is usually a sign that you don't feel in control in your own head so you are trying to control the people and space around you as a proxy.