Perfectionist mom can’t deal with mess

[Anonymous]

I’ve been struggling a lot since this quarantine with mess. My 1 and 3 year olds easily trash the entire house every day. It’s really stressful to me and I just feel really angry and upset about it. Rage is probably the right word. Before we would spend Friday-Sunday home together and it was fun, but we did a lot of activities. I have boxes and after they’re done playing with one box, they cleaned up before moving onto the next one. I think now they’re just incredibly bored so they move from box to box really fast and get upset and tantrum about any sort of cleaning. I feel like my only options are tantrums or mess everywhere. It makes me so stressed out and I can’t really de stress at all. They’re basically little hoarders. They fill bags and shopping carts with junk and push them around the house and dump them.

Obviously this is my fault, kids are naturally messy and I just really like things a certain way. The playroom being a disaster wouldn’t bother me, but it’s every single room in my house. After bed I spend about 3 hours cleaning every night (and by cleaning I mean just picking up and doing dishes, not really cleaning) and then it all starts over again the next day. I really wish I could keep their attention on something longer but I can’t. I did try picking up less but then the kids can’t find anything and I get even more upset and stressed about everything.

I just feel like I’m becoming a mom I didn’t want to become. I don’t want to be a mom who doesn’t let my kids play. And now I scream a lot. Daily they paint outside on a tarp in their underwear. I like arts and crafts but the kids don’t like it and just like spreading toys around.

I put a lock on the playroom closet (an eye hook) so they can’t just dump every box at once and I cleared a lot of toys out so they could focus on a few, but nothing really helps.

[Anonymous]

I am a huge perfectionist. I get what you are saying. I am you, times ten. I face every label in the pantry facing forward. I will throw out every expired food by one day. Kids toys in bins are all labeled. Legos are color coordinated. But during quarantine, I said f it. I now wash clothes once a week and we get clean clothes out of a huge pile in the middle of the floor because I don’t have time to put it away and I prefer sanity over folded clothes. I now clean the playroom by just shutting the door. What I am saying is, figure out what is a priority and what is not. It’s ok to have your priorities change every now and then. My priorities is not a clean and neat house. It is my sanity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a huge perfectionist. I get what you are saying. I am you, times ten. I face every label in the pantry facing forward. I will throw out every expired food by one day. Kids toys in bins are all labeled. Legos are color coordinated. But during quarantine, I said f it. I now wash clothes once a week and we get clean clothes out of a huge pile in the middle of the floor because I don’t have time to put it away and I prefer sanity over folded clothes. I now clean the playroom by just shutting the door. What I am saying is, figure out what is a priority and what is not. It’s ok to have your priorities change every now and then. My priorities is not a clean and neat house. It is my sanity

Op here. Oh yes. Everything is incredibly organized and immaculate normally.

My priority was keeping my kids happy and normal but I realized that all the mess is destroying me. I just cannot seem to function anymore or be a good mom with mess everywhere. I’m losing grip here.

Is there a way for kids to be neat and also be happy and normal? My kids were in daycare before and loved their toys at home and didn’t trash things. I actually think my kids are cleaner than others. On play dates I see them picking up the legos and crayons after the play date is over.

[Anonymous]

I commiserate. My kids are older now, so I can tell you that it gets better. They have fewer toys and can help more. My older two are middle/elementary and can help a bunch with cleaning each day (they can clean their own bathrooms, vacuum, wipe the countertops, etc) and that is helping so much.

At your kids' ages, we spent as much time as we could outside, and sorry, but I still don't do messy art projects at home. Glitter is banned in my house, but not washable paints -and I refuse to make the salt dough the school art teacher is recommending for specials right now for my youngest. I will do what small things I can for my sanity, and I don't feel guilt about it.

It's ok to say no to some things, but the yelling and rage needs to be controlled.

During the quarantine, and because we also have two big dogs, I have spent way too much time cleaning but it's the only way I can keep sane. This will pass.

[Anonymous]

I get it, the mess is really frustrating. I have a 1 and 3 yo too. My 3yo is definitely into hoarding/collecting, too. Anything with little parts (puzzles, kitchen, tea set) is really just an excuse for her to take all the little items out, mix them up, and put them in her "purse" or basket or whatever her container for the day is.

Still, 3 hours of cleaning a night seems excessive? I guess I would say you don't have to have it that clean everyday? There are days when I spend an hour cleaning it all up (that's really all it takes though - an hour - maybe not even that), and then I let it became chaos again for a few days. Maybe you just have too many toys? You could put a lot of them away and then you wouldn't have so many to clean up?

[Anonymous]

You need less stuff. I also have two kids and the key is having a lot less stuff.

Also, make sure you have a place for every single thing. You can't expect much from the younger one, but the 3 yr old should know where everything goes.

Lastly, stay on top of them cleaning up one toy before moving to the next.

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. My kids are the same age (1.5, 3) and I swear I am cleaning the kitchen floor alone 5 times a day - every time they have a meal or a snack, it looks like we live in a pigsty and I haven't cleaned in weeks. I closely supervise activities like drawing with crayons and still crayon inevitably ends up everywhere. Legos, puzzle pieces, magnatiles and the like end up everywhere 10 times a day. It is tough!!

I've basically given up on the playroom - I have the 3 year old help me dump things in bins at the end of the day, but all organization has been abandoned. I'm basically making sure the other living areas are reasonably picked up and clean, particularly the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been struggling a lot since this quarantine with mess. My 1 and 3 year olds easily trash the entire house every day. It’s really stressful to me and I just feel really angry and upset about it. Rage is probably the right word. Before we would spend Friday-Sunday home together and it was fun, but we did a lot of activities. I have boxes and after they’re done playing with one box, they cleaned up before moving onto the next one. I think now they’re just incredibly bored so they move from box to box really fast and get upset and tantrum about any sort of cleaning. I feel like my only options are tantrums or mess everywhere. It makes me so stressed out and I can’t really de stress at all. They’re basically little hoarders. They fill bags and shopping carts with junk and push them around the house and dump them.

Obviously this is my fault, kids are naturally messy and I just really like things a certain way. The playroom being a disaster wouldn’t bother me, but it’s every single room in my house. After bed I spend about 3 hours cleaning every night (and by cleaning I mean just picking up and doing dishes, not really cleaning) and then it all starts over again the next day. I really wish I could keep their attention on something longer but I can’t. I did try picking up less but then the kids can’t find anything and I get even more upset and stressed about everything.

I just feel like I’m becoming a mom I didn’t want to become. I don’t want to be a mom who doesn’t let my kids play. And now I scream a lot. Daily they paint outside on a tarp in their underwear. I like arts and crafts but the kids don’t like it and just like spreading toys around.

I put a lock on the playroom closet (an eye hook) so they can’t just dump every box at once and I cleared a lot of toys out so they could focus on a few, but nothing really helps.

Choose tantrums. Seriously. Especially if it's important to you and your mental health, a three year old can be taught to cleanup after himself. It'll be a tough couple weeks as you enforce this, but your life will be so much better after.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I try to stay on top of them before moving to the next toy but it’s hard! So this morning we did play dough at the breakfast table. 20 min of play dough and then the 1 year old (1.5 really) moves on but the 3 year old is still playing. 1 year old starts dumping stuff in another room and then I go see what he’s up to. And then the 3 year old leaves play dough. So I quickly get another activity- puzzles. By the time I have cleaned playdough up (putting it in a bin quickly and vacuuming the crumbs before they get tracked into carpet), they’re done with puzzles. It’s like a 3 ring circus here.

And I’m lucky because today is my day off. Normally I’m teleworking full time. Which means less oversight over their play.

I actually think it would be easier to run a daycare because then there would be more kids. More kids play together and sit together for activities. Get one in line and the rest follow like ducks.

[Anonymous]

I"m not anal about it, but clean as you go. Know in your head where everything goes, and put all the pieces right back away. Don't expect the kids to do it, if it's important to you. Put everything up on high shelves and you bring it down, rather than having things accessible. All art supplies are hidden and brought out. Close the door to one room and it's off limits to them. Put some toys in the attic/basement and only have about 10 things accessible at one time. Rotate in "new" toys every week and put something else up.

My son is much older now and loves a mess. I let him keep his room as badly as he wants it, but even in his room, I could go put everything back in place in 20 minutes. But since he's a tween and I can tell he's playing imaginative games (eg, superheroes vs. army men), I don't disturb them.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you pick a room in which to keep their toys, even if it means sweeping everything in there when the day is done and closing the door? I am a total Type A person whose house used to look like it was about to be photographed in a catalog on a daily basis. (Not that we're fancy people, but just that everything was perfectly in its place). It has been really hard for me because my husband and I are both teleworking without our nanny and of course making three meals a day at home means the kitchen is constantly being cleaned up.

I don't know the layout of your house, but what I have done is keep all the kids' toys (for the most part) in the playroom, and we clean that once a week or so. The rest of the time I don't even look at it, and when I do, I know it will eventually be cleaned again so I can kind of tolerate it. Their stuff still ends up around the rest of the house but I make them carry it to where it should live throughout the day and before bed, and my husband has been a big help with the cleaning/neatening as well. When we do a specific activity, like coloring, I have stopped trying to put it all away back where I want it to be and started letting it live in a pile on top of a shelf. Same with board games and puzzles - they're now just out more than they used to be. But for their actual toys (like the fake food that they put in shopping carts like it's their job!), I try to get them to keep it in the playroom and literally just throw it back in there at the end of the day.

I found that creating a schedule for doing certain things helps because (1) I don't feel like I'm doing it all the time because I can look at the schedule and see that I'm only doing it twice a week, for example, and (2) I can generally let some things go when I know they'll be done eventually.

Good luck, OP. This is hard!!!

[Anonymous]

I completely get it. I was the same way, and it does get easier as they get older.

Now that the weather is nice, can you take them outside more? Walks at different parks. Find a lake. Search for fish. Collect leaves or sticks or pretty rocks. The more they are outside, the less time they have to mess up the inside.

And I'd just try to limit them to one room if possible.

I gave up on having specific bins for things when I was too stressed to deal with it. Seems to me a pandemic is reason enough to try to let go of some of this. I get how a messy room can cause mental discomfort. It does for me. Which is why limiting it to one room helps. You can go decompress later in a neat room. If that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Op here. We have a playroom with a door that shuts. It’s the only room with a door on the first floor but it’s a glass door. Before this all happened Dh and I were on the kids nonstop and toys didn’t leave the playroom. But now we have a bounce house in family room, train table in the living room, legos on the dining room table... Weve been trying to rotate the kids through rooms like they’re “stations” which helps them but does destroy the house. The playroom is too small for the train table or bounce house and we kind of like legos on a table versus on the floor where we step on them.

Back to cleaning I guess. I just wish I could control my anger more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a playroom with a door that shuts. It’s the only room with a door on the first floor but it’s a glass door. Before this all happened Dh and I were on the kids nonstop and toys didn’t leave the playroom. But now we have a bounce house in family room, train table in the living room, legos on the dining room table... Weve been trying to rotate the kids through rooms like they’re “stations” which helps them but does destroy the house. The playroom is too small for the train table or bounce house and we kind of like legos on a table versus on the floor where we step on them.

Back to cleaning I guess. I just wish I could control my anger more.

You are ANGRY at BABIES for being messy? This is a huge Mom fail. Priorities, priorities. Why don't you try to have one space or two off limit spaces? You can decompress with those. Gently encourage cleanup. Find and an Elmo video or similar showing them what to do

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing--if you are used to them being in daycare all day--the messes happen for the most part at daycare.

a one and three year old are going to be busy busy busy and making 'messes' all day long, especially when you can't spend long hours out at the playground.

so you can either let it go, let the mess in the playroom go, or be filled with rage until coronavirus is over.