Perfectionist mom can’t deal with mess

[Anonymous]

It was a hard adjustment for me when I had kids because to me a neat house meant calmness. A messy house was stressful and I became stressed all the time with baby and kid stuff all over. I adjusted my expectations along with teaching my kid to clean up after himself. I usually went with a clean up before lunch and a clean up before dinner/bedtime. And yes when he was young (1-2) I did more of the cleaning up, but that changed as he got older. And since cleaning up was always expected, rarely were there fights about it. Cleaning up after oneself is a life skill that I don't think your kids are too young to learn as long as its easy.

My storage solution was simple: a plastic bin with a picture on it. Cars went into the bin with a picture of cars. Trains went into the bin with trains on it. Books went into a bin with a book picture. You mention Legos in the living room. Take a picture of the Legos, tape it on a bin or basket and there you go.

You can also have a "clean up song" that they start associating with cleaning up. When I worked at a preschool many years ago, the teacher would play "Whistle While You Work" from Snow White whenever it was time to clean up. It got to the point where after the first few notes, everyone started cleaning up. If you have an Alexa that would be pretty easy to implement. Or you can do a clapping song. But a three year old can definitely clean up after herself.

And sometimes you just have to roll with it. Right now my son is into creating his own Star Wars stories, he has drawn pictures of the characters and he acts them out, and there are at least a hundred of these paper characters all over the couch and floor of the living room. God forbid I move one because I disrupt the story. So I just step over them and eventually at the end of the day (or story) he picks them all up.

This is a very unique situation for all of us and we've all had to adjust in order to handle things. I know a lot of times when I'm feeling out of control I start cleaning...could that be something you do too? You feel out of control because of the way things are right now so you spend hours every night cleaning? Just another thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need less stuff. I also have two kids and the key is having a lot less stuff.

Also, make sure you have a place for every single thing. You can't expect much from the younger one, but the 3 yr old should know where everything goes.

Lastly, stay on top of them cleaning up one toy before moving to the next.

This. Exactly. Remove 50% of the toys in the playroom by boxing the stuff up and putting it in the garage or attic. Then, in a few moths when they are bored and need a treat, pull out one or more of the boxes and discover the “new” toys. A few days later box up and store other toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a huge perfectionist. I get what you are saying. I am you, times ten. I face every label in the pantry facing forward. I will throw out every expired food by one day. Kids toys in bins are all labeled. Legos are color coordinated. But during quarantine, I said f it. I now wash clothes once a week and we get clean clothes out of a huge pile in the middle of the floor because I don’t have time to put it away and I prefer sanity over folded clothes. I now clean the playroom by just shutting the door. What I am saying is, figure out what is a priority and what is not. It’s ok to have your priorities change every now and then. My priorities is not a clean and neat house. It is my sanity

Op here. Oh yes. Everything is incredibly organized and immaculate normally.

My priority was keeping my kids happy and normal but I realized that all the mess is destroying me. I just cannot seem to function anymore or be a good mom with mess everywhere. I’m losing grip here.

Is there a way for kids to be neat and also be happy and normal? My kids were in daycare before and loved their toys at home and didn’t trash things. I actually think my kids are cleaner than others. On play dates I see them picking up the legos and crayons after the play date is over.

At the ages of 1 and 3? No. "Being neat" is beyond their developmental capabilities. Sorry, OP. That's just the way it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was a hard adjustment for me when I had kids because to me a neat house meant calmness. A messy house was stressful and I became stressed all the time with baby and kid stuff all over. I adjusted my expectations along with teaching my kid to clean up after himself. I usually went with a clean up before lunch and a clean up before dinner/bedtime. And yes when he was young (1-2) I did more of the cleaning up, but that changed as he got older. And since cleaning up was always expected, rarely were there fights about it. Cleaning up after oneself is a life skill that I don't think your kids are too young to learn as long as its easy.

My storage solution was simple: a plastic bin with a picture on it. Cars went into the bin with a picture of cars. Trains went into the bin with trains on it. Books went into a bin with a book picture. You mention Legos in the living room. Take a picture of the Legos, tape it on a bin or basket and there you go.

You can also have a "clean up song" that they start associating with cleaning up. When I worked at a preschool many years ago, the teacher would play "Whistle While You Work" from Snow White whenever it was time to clean up. It got to the point where after the first few notes, everyone started cleaning up. If you have an Alexa that would be pretty easy to implement. Or you can do a clapping song. But a three year old can definitely clean up after herself.

And sometimes you just have to roll with it. Right now my son is into creating his own Star Wars stories, he has drawn pictures of the characters and he acts them out, and there are at least a hundred of these paper characters all over the couch and floor of the living room. God forbid I move one because I disrupt the story. So I just step over them and eventually at the end of the day (or story) he picks them all up.

This is a very unique situation for all of us and we've all had to adjust in order to handle things. I know a lot of times when I'm feeling out of control I start cleaning...could that be something you do too? You feel out of control because of the way things are right now so you spend hours every night cleaning? Just another thought.

You only have one child? The mess grows exponentially with each additional kid. Its hard to understand if you only have the one.

[Anonymous]

^op here. The dishes take an hour. Several pans, load the dishwasher and wiping everything down. We cook a lot. Sometimes I prep something for the next day. Vacuuming alone is 15 min (and it needs vacuumed for sure! I used to only vacuum weekly) Picking up each room is like 15 min. Laundry, folding. And weekly I do bathrooms which takes time (they could use it more often but no time). There’s a lot I never get to like dusting or mopping or wiping down windows (they’re covered in handprints).

I’m really working on not being rigid and praising any effort they make. I don’t want my kids to think they’re not good enough. Just hard
I don’t mind cleaning and I listen to books on tape while I go. I’ve never had a cleaning lady or even needed one but this is just excessive mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a way for kids to be neat and also be happy and normal? My kids were in daycare before and loved their toys at home and didn’t trash things. I actually think my kids are cleaner than others. On play dates I see them picking up the legos and crayons after the play date is over.

At the ages of 1 and 3? No. "Being neat" is beyond their developmental capabilities. Sorry, OP. That's just the way it is.

I agree with this. But daycares and nursery schools make it work. They let kids be messy, silly and creative. They let them make a mess. Then they clean up. There is a time for everything.

OP your dishes, vacuuming, bathroom and laundry times sound pretty normal. People who tell you otherwise probably aren't paying attention, or they had house cleaners so they aren't too aware of how long cleaning takes. Your issue is picking up each room. If it takes 15 min *per room* at the end of the day, you haven't done enough cleanup with the kids during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need less stuff. I also have two kids and the key is having a lot less stuff.

Also, make sure you have a place for every single thing. You can't expect much from the younger one, but the 3 yr old should know where everything goes.

Lastly, stay on top of them cleaning up one toy before moving to the next.

This. Exactly. Remove 50% of the toys in the playroom by boxing the stuff up and putting it in the garage or attic. Then, in a few moths when they are bored and need a treat, pull out one or more of the boxes and discover the “new” toys. A few days later box up and store other toys.

Yep that will help right away. And all toys go in the playroom or their bedroom except for a small basket in the family/living room of smaller toys and books. If you start enforcing it now, it will be easy to maintain with the kids. Bouncy house - clear out space in playroom for it, train table - same thing

[Anonymous]

If you are used to all the adults and little kids spending the day making messes elsewhere (with other people cleaning them up!) the all day long mess can be really hard to deal with. For me it was the meal/food/high chair mess that almost broke me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^op here. The dishes take an hour. Several pans, load the dishwasher and wiping everything down. We cook a lot. Sometimes I prep something for the next day. Vacuuming alone is 15 min (and it needs vacuumed for sure! I used to only vacuum weekly) Picking up each room is like 15 min. Laundry, folding. And weekly I do bathrooms which takes time (they could use it more often but no time). There’s a lot I never get to like dusting or mopping or wiping down windows (they’re covered in handprints).

I’m really working on not being rigid and praising any effort they make. I don’t want my kids to think they’re not good enough. Just hard
I don’t mind cleaning and I listen to books on tape while I go. I’ve never had a cleaning lady or even needed one but this is just excessive mess.

We also cook a lot - don't really eat out. I always clean up as a I cook, so that I'm not left with a giant mess afterwards.

I also do meal prep for the kids' breakfasts and lunches for a few days, so that I'm not cooking and making a mess every morning and noon (e.g. make a couple of days' worth of oatmeal, sandwiches, cut up fruit and veggies, etc, distribute into dishes/tupperware and cover).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have a playroom with a door that shuts. It’s the only room with a door on the first floor but it’s a glass door. Before this all happened Dh and I were on the kids nonstop and toys didn’t leave the playroom. But now we have a bounce house in family room, train table in the living room, legos on the dining room table... Weve been trying to rotate the kids through rooms like they’re “stations” which helps them but does destroy the house. The playroom is too small for the train table or bounce house and we kind of like legos on a table versus on the floor where we step on them.

Back to cleaning I guess. I just wish I could control my anger more.

You are ANGRY at BABIES for being messy? This is a huge Mom fail. Priorities, priorities. Why don't you try to have one space or two off limit spaces? You can decompress with those. Gently encourage cleanup. Find and an Elmo video or similar showing them what to do

+1

You need to unclench OP. As the saying goes " a messy house is a sign of fun". You're with the kids 24/7, so yes, way different than pre-shutdown and dumping toys, boredom, tantrums/frustrations, same toys no longer interesting, etc. are all normal. You're wasting energy stressing about it.

For us, I just make peace with it. It's not like anybody is visiting, no playdates, no unexpected visitors stopping by so who cares if the place looks like a toy bomb.

Most of the time I just push the toys to the side so there is at least a clear pathway. There's a 95% chance the kids will circle back around to the toys within the next 24hrs anyway. Plus, my unscientific theory is that kids love to see their toys spread out (very opposite of adults).

[Anonymous]

Zoloft helped lessen my anxiety around messes. Just thought I would throw that out there, the possibility that there’s a mental health component.

Do you have any good supportive friends with kids around your kids’ ages? That can help too, talking with someone whose kids are doing the same types of things yours are.

[Anonymous]

^^reading the rest of the thread and seeing the family history of OCD, I would suggest help sooner than later. Therapists are operating via zoom, etc. Or call your primary care doctor. There’s help to be had, OP. I speak from experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My dad has OCD and I’ve started worrying I’m crossing the line. I always thought of it like a spectrum and I was very mild. In fact I liked how organized I was and didn’t see it as a problem. It’s helped me at work also. But I don’t want to be a rigid mom who is not letting my kids have a fun childhood.

I’d be grumpy too if I were 3 and all my mom did was make me clean up messes. It’s hard to get their cooperation too. The 1 year old is pretty wild and defiant.

Because of their ages they can’t clean at the end of the day- it’s too overwhelming for them and they can’t remember where stuff goes.

It’s just exhausting but I guess that’s how it is? Yes they were in daycare and on weekends we did a lot out of the house so this wasn’t a problem before. I wasn’t exaggerating about 3 hours. I clean/laundry/dishes from 8-11pm when I go to bed. The mess sucks.

Dh can’t help because he teleworks all afternoon and night. But he does a lot and is a great dad and husband

I think it could help to try to meet your kids at their levels. Your one year old is not wild or defiant. Your one year old is a one year old. I think it's fine to have them clean at the end of the day (it's okay if they don't remember where things go - the point is they are helping as you guide them) or at a couple of designated times during the day, but it's really not realistic to think a one year old is going to clean up as he/she goes from toy to toy.

[Anonymous]

Just know that spending 3 hours a day every day on keeping the house clean is a choice, not a necessity.

We spend 30-60 minutes a day spread throughout the day and our house is plenty clean.

I don't know anyone who cleans from 8-11 pm no matter how many kids they have. That isn't healthy.

Simplify your dinners some nights if dishes take you an hour of dedicated time. That is a ridiculous amount of dishes.

[Anonymous]

+1 on all of these:

1. Minimalism...try to get rid of some of the stuff.
2. Toy rotation is a game changer. There's a lot of info online about how to accomplish it.
3. Meditation, meditation, meditation. Responding instead of reacting. Check out 10% Happier. If you're a podcast person, it's a good one. If not, the app is very good. Calm is also a great app.