Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of someone who gets cheated on and stays?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Can someone explain the mindset of someone who gets cheated on and stays?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I haven't experienced this, but I can see a world where a marriage starts to fall apart - kids are exhausting, you feel like you're treading water, don't prioritize each other, no date nights or time together. Sex dwindles, then disappears. Stress eating and no time for exercise means getting out of shape. You stop confiding in each other, you're just logistical partners. One is sloppy or doesn't pull his or her weight, the other gets a bit resentful, but who has time to deal with it? You're just getting through the day. One or the other spouse loses his or her job, money troubles, gets depressed.

Then, right at the right moment, one spouse finds a connection with someone else. A colleague, a neighbor, doesn't matter. It's new, it's exciting, they feel seen as an adult sexual being for the first time in a while. Laughter and fun instead of stress and logistics. One thing leads to another, and they end up in bed together. Once, a week, even a month.

BUT this serves as a wake up call! Either he or she gets caught, or they confess (although I think their chances are better if they confess). And both partners realize their marriage hasn't been healthy for a long time - the affair is really just a symptom. Depressed spouse goes to therapy. They start prioritizing date nights. Couple's counseling. The kids have gotten a bit older and aren't so labor intensive. The adulterer apologizes and works hard to make amends to his or her spouse. They both realize that they don't want to lose each other. And they are able to come out the other side, stronger and happier together.

As the spouse that had been cheated on in that story, I could see staying. In fact, with the affair as a wake up call, and a new found commitment by both partners to prioritize their marriage, that marriage could easily be much stronger and happier in 10 years than one with the same set of facts but no affair - they could keep slogging through, and find themselves as empty nesters with no connection and no affection anymore.

The big things here for this to have a happy ending would be 1) cheater is truly remorseful and willing to change 2) the cheatee recognizes that there were real underlying issues in the marriage that he or she contributed to 3) both people love each other and 4) they're both willing to work on and prioritize their marriage. [/quote]

Yes. But it would not work if cheater was a narcissist.  They would do the work, therapy, show great remorse, be a great spouse again...and then in 4, 5, 6 years they start having the same desire and are improved in how not to get caught, miss the excitement..and DING, DING,DING...Round 2. This happens more than not.  Many cheaters only change temporarily, a few years, etc.  Just when the spouse is recovering from the first betrayal, they start doing it again.  The betrayed spouse then feels like a complete sucker and idiot and even worse for sticking around the first time.  By Round 2, hopefully they learned he/she is never going to change.  The percentage that truly do is very small.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics