Bummed out that parents haven't offered to buy us anything for new baby

[Anonymous]

Some parents are like that. Mine pushed for us to become parents. We spent a fortune on adoption. Not a dime. We then had nothing and had to buy things quickly. Nothing. My mom flipped out when friends offered a baby shower so we didn't do one to save the conflict. Her friends were more generous than she was sending gifts. Years later, worst grandparents ever. They don't do birthdays or holidays, even a card. My MIL who had little money remembered everything and got the nicest gifts (not expensive but the thought). Let it go. They are not interested in being involved grandparents. Be grateful for your inlaws.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I can't imagine expecting ANYONE to purchase things for my children.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I bought everything I thought she'd need because I didn't expect a shower or anyone else to help. Her dad (my SO, but we live separately) did purchase the cribs and her stroller, but I bought everything else, including plenty of clothes and cloth diapers to keep at both our homes so we wouldn't have to pack those things to go back and forth.

Had others asked what they could contribute, I would've asked for contributions to her library or for commitments to give her experiences when she was older-- trips to stay with grandparents for the weekend, trips to museums with cousins, etc. But I wouldn't even expect that. My kid=my responsibly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2. "WE" are not pregnant.unless it's two women."
2. It is your kid and your parents have zero responsibility to buy you even a safety pin for your kid. If you can't afford the big items you want, do without!

Apparently, you cannot afford a child.

NP. I hope you don't fall off your high horse, PP. You might break something on the landing.

When I was pregnant, I always referred to the event as "we" are pregnant. My husband had a huge role in the event and I couldn't have done it without him. Just like now when I refer to the kids I talk about "our" kids and not "my" kid.

We are expecting. I am pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All parents are different and give "gifts" and support in different ways. Try not to compare the two. They both probably love you immensely.

+1

Or just tell them that you would appreciate a gift, not because of the money, but that’s your love language. And accept that you might sound greedy. But you can’t expect them to know what you want when you don’t tell them.

Sorry to continue to lay it on, OP, but I will: these posters are right.

My parents died when I had my first child, so guess how many gifts they bought their first grandchild?
And guess how much I would give to have them back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All parents are different and give "gifts" and support in different ways. Try not to compare the two. They both probably love you immensely.

+1

Or just tell them that you would appreciate a gift, not because of the money, but that’s your love language. And accept that you might sound greedy. But you can’t expect them to know what you want when you don’t tell them.

Sorry to continue to lay it on, OP, but I will: these posters are right.

My parents died when I had my first child, so guess how many gifts they bought their first grandchild?
And guess how much I would give to have them back?

+1000

You sound like a typical spoiled millennial OP. Here in the midst of an awful epidemic, you are measuring and comparing with material items. YOU are going to be the parents, not them. What they give their grandchildren is their business. You want to bring a child into the world? You are expected to pay for it as well as items needed. Anything you receive as a GIFT is gravy. Stop expecting things you entitled monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, my parents got us a GERBER brand set of 3 onesies and a set of 3 jammies. It was like, $16.99 in total from Amazon. They have millions of dollars. We have a quite good HHI but seriously, I'm like, could you please just NOT send ANYTHING instead? It's like, "happy new baby, here's a MCdonald's happy meal for you!" Some people are just not good people.

Maybe they think you are an adult who chose to have a child and therefore should provide for it yourself. Your parents are not obligated to provide for your lifestyle choices. They have done their time. When does their providing $ stop? At their grave? Be an adult!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are like that. Mine pushed for us to become parents. We spent a fortune on adoption. Not a dime. We then had nothing and had to buy things quickly. Nothing. My mom flipped out when friends offered a baby shower so we didn't do one to save the conflict. Her friends were more generous than she was sending gifts. Years later, worst grandparents ever. They don't do birthdays or holidays, even a card. My MIL who had little money remembered everything and got the nicest gifts (not expensive but the thought). Let it go. They are not interested in being involved grandparents. Be grateful for your inlaws.

In all fairness to the OP's parents, the baby isn't set to arrive for another FIVE months. Time will tell if the bolded is true. Until then, let's give them the benefit of the doubt.

[Anonymous]

Eh, just make sure you gush a lot about the generosity of your inlaws. Especially in front of your parents' friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW and I are pregnant with our first child due in August. This is the first grandchild for my parents, and second for my in-laws. ILs have said that they will buy us a few big ticket items (crib, changing table), in addition to some smaller items, as they did the same when my SIL had her baby. However, my parents have yet to say if they're buying us anything for the baby. Finances aren't an issue; my Mom is a school administrator, and my Dad is retired from big law, and still does occasional contract work. In fact, my Dad's pension vested last year, and my Mom comments "We don't know what to do with all this money!" Additionally, they live a pretty spartan lifestyle, as they hardly ever travel, keep the same car for 10+ years, etc. 

The reason this came to a head was today, as I was talking with my Mom, she had mentioned that they're saving a ton of money by not commuting and putting wear and tear on their cars. I said, "yeah, same with us, but all that money is going to go straight to baby stuff." To which she replied, "good."

While I certainly don't expect them to come forward with a big ticket item like a crib or stroller, but it would be nice to feel like they could contribute something to their first grandchild. The subject of money has always been a bit awkward around my parents, as they feel, for better or worse, that once a child is on their own, they don't need any financial assistance. IL's feel differently, which is probably where my jealously is stemming from. For what it's worth, finances aren't an issue with DW and myself, but there was a time when they were much tighter due to a variety of circumstances, and my parents were well aware of that, but didn't offer to help, so perhaps I'm dealing with some unresolved feelings from that. 

Maybe your parents figure that with your own comfortable income and all the big ticket items IL's are providing you're more than set. Buying gifts does not equate being good grandparents. They may want to love and spend a lot of time with your child. That's what counts. Not a dig against IL's who may also be wonderful grandparents. Just making the point that no one owes you no matter how much money they have. Sounds like your parents are securing their later years to avoid their children having to take care of them.

[Anonymous]

My mother told me not to have kids if I could not afford them, so I waited 8 years in my marriage to do so, and she lived up to that. I will say they helped with the divorce.

[Anonymous]

My MIL kept buying us ridiculous things from mail order. But when it counted she paid for preschool. Have faith in your parents.

[Anonymous]

I’m team OP. Parents could absolutely help with grandkids, whether monetarily or with their time. Maybe its a cultural thing. I don’t agree with this WASPy every man for himself attitude. It takes a village to raise a child and people don’t get to retire from family duties because they “did their time.” So glad I’m not a WASP nor married to one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it, my marriage is the same. Only grandkids on both sides, my parents do a lot , the in-laws do absolutely nothing. It’s not that we need it but it would be nice. My husband feels bad that my parents dote on the grandkids and his parents are cheap as hell. Money is not an issue for them..

Maybe your in-laws rightfully believe that children generally turn into entitled jerks when “doted upon” and they love their grandchildren enough not to spoil them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW and I are pregnant with our first child due in August. This is the first grandchild for my parents, and second for my in-laws. ILs have said that they will buy us a few big ticket items (crib, changing table), in addition to some smaller items, as they did the same when my SIL had her baby. However, my parents have yet to say if they're buying us anything for the baby. Finances aren't an issue; my Mom is a school administrator, and my Dad is retired from big law, and still does occasional contract work. In fact, my Dad's pension vested last year, and my Mom comments "We don't know what to do with all this money!" Additionally, they live a pretty spartan lifestyle, as they hardly ever travel, keep the same car for 10+ years, etc. 

The reason this came to a head was today, as I was talking with my Mom, she had mentioned that they're saving a ton of money by not commuting and putting wear and tear on their cars. I said, "yeah, same with us, but all that money is going to go straight to baby stuff." To which she replied, "good."

While I certainly don't expect them to come forward with a big ticket item like a crib or stroller, but it would be nice to feel like they could contribute something to their first grandchild. The subject of money has always been a bit awkward around my parents, as they feel, for better or worse, that once a child is on their own, they don't need any financial assistance. IL's feel differently, which is probably where my jealously is stemming from. For what it's worth, finances aren't an issue with DW and myself, but there was a time when they were much tighter due to a variety of circumstances, and my parents were well aware of that, but didn't offer to help, so perhaps I'm dealing with some unresolved feelings from that. 

You have your answer there.

I do understand. My parents *and* ILs were/are like that. It does suck.

My kids are now young adults (recent college graduate and college junior) and we are doing it differently from how our parents did. We started Roth IRAs for both of them and helped DC1 buy a car. We'll help them when we can. It feels good to do that.

I

It feels good for you, but you are depriving your adult children of the even better feeling of earning things themselves. You are creating dependent, entitled people for your own pleasure. That’s not good parenting. It’s self-indulgence. Making life “easier” for adults very often does not make life better for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW and I are pregnant with our first child due in August. This is the first grandchild for my parents, and second for my in-laws. ILs have said that they will buy us a few big ticket items (crib, changing table), in addition to some smaller items, as they did the same when my SIL had her baby. However, my parents have yet to say if they're buying us anything for the baby. Finances aren't an issue; my Mom is a school administrator, and my Dad is retired from big law, and still does occasional contract work. In fact, my Dad's pension vested last year, and my Mom comments "We don't know what to do with all this money!" Additionally, they live a pretty spartan lifestyle, as they hardly ever travel, keep the same car for 10+ years, etc. 

The reason this came to a head was today, as I was talking with my Mom, she had mentioned that they're saving a ton of money by not commuting and putting wear and tear on their cars. I said, "yeah, same with us, but all that money is going to go straight to baby stuff." To which she replied, "good."

While I certainly don't expect them to come forward with a big ticket item like a crib or stroller, but it would be nice to feel like they could contribute something to their first grandchild. The subject of money has always been a bit awkward around my parents, as they feel, for better or worse, that once a child is on their own, they don't need any financial assistance. IL's feel differently, which is probably where my jealously is stemming from. For what it's worth, finances aren't an issue with DW and myself, but there was a time when they were much tighter due to a variety of circumstances, and my parents were well aware of that, but didn't offer to help, so perhaps I'm dealing with some unresolved feelings from that. 

Most people don't think about the presents that they will buy four months in advance.