Bummed out that parents haven't offered to buy us anything for new baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All parents are different and give "gifts" and support in different ways. Try not to compare the two. They both probably love you immensely.

+1

Or just tell them that you would appreciate a gift, not because of the money, but that’s your love language. And accept that you might sound greedy. But you can’t expect them to know what you want when you don’t tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW and I are pregnant with our first child due in August. This is the first grandchild for my parents, and second for my in-laws. ILs have said that they will buy us a few big ticket items (crib, changing table), in addition to some smaller items, as they did the same when my SIL had her baby. However, my parents have yet to say if they're buying us anything for the baby. Finances aren't an issue; my Mom is a school administrator, and my Dad is retired from big law, and still does occasional contract work. In fact, my Dad's pension vested last year, and my Mom comments "We don't know what to do with all this money!" Additionally, they live a pretty spartan lifestyle, as they hardly ever travel, keep the same car for 10+ years, etc. 

The reason this came to a head was today, as I was talking with my Mom, she had mentioned that they're saving a ton of money by not commuting and putting wear and tear on their cars. I said, "yeah, same with us, but all that money is going to go straight to baby stuff." To which she replied, "good."

While I certainly don't expect them to come forward with a big ticket item like a crib or stroller, but it would be nice to feel like they could contribute something to their first grandchild. The subject of money has always been a bit awkward around my parents, as they feel, for better or worse, that once a child is on their own, they don't need any financial assistance. IL's feel differently, which is probably where my jealously is stemming from. For what it's worth, finances aren't an issue with DW and myself, but there was a time when they were much tighter due to a variety of circumstances, and my parents were well aware of that, but didn't offer to help, so perhaps I'm dealing with some unresolved feelings from that. 

I think that's a weird way to look at it, OP. You want them to "contribute something"? It seems like you are pretty materialistic, and your parents are not. You measure love through money, and your parents do not.

Just because they are not equating the birth of a grandchild with the purchase of a big ticket item does not mean they are bad people, OP. Maybe your assessment is correct. They didn't "help" you financially when you thought you deserved it, and that made you feel unloved, and now they are not buying your baby something large, so you feel they don't love your baby either (or something like that). I suggest you try to get over it.

[Anonymous]

What do your parents normally do for big events? I know that my parents waited until the babies arrived (we had twins) and sent us a big check in a congratulations baby card. Mom said that we should use a little and put the rest into some sort of savings for the kids or emergencies, but knowing my mother that was just a suggestion and she trusts me to do what's right for my family. We did get some things with the money and stashed it away. It was helpful later to get a bigger ticket item later that we didn't originally get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW and I are pregnant with our first child due in August. This is the first grandchild for my parents, and second for my in-laws. ILs have said that they will buy us a few big ticket items (crib, changing table), in addition to some smaller items, as they did the same when my SIL had her baby. However, my parents have yet to say if they're buying us anything for the baby. Finances aren't an issue; my Mom is a school administrator, and my Dad is retired from big law, and still does occasional contract work. In fact, my Dad's pension vested last year, and my Mom comments "We don't know what to do with all this money!" Additionally, they live a pretty spartan lifestyle, as they hardly ever travel, keep the same car for 10+ years, etc. 

The reason this came to a head was today, as I was talking with my Mom, she had mentioned that they're saving a ton of money by not commuting and putting wear and tear on their cars. I said, "yeah, same with us, but all that money is going to go straight to baby stuff." To which she replied, "good."

While I certainly don't expect them to come forward with a big ticket item like a crib or stroller, but it would be nice to feel like they could contribute something to their first grandchild. The subject of money has always been a bit awkward around my parents, as they feel, for better or worse, that once a child is on their own, they don't need any financial assistance. IL's feel differently, which is probably where my jealously is stemming from. For what it's worth, finances aren't an issue with DW and myself, but there was a time when they were much tighter due to a variety of circumstances, and my parents were well aware of that, but didn't offer to help, so perhaps I'm dealing with some unresolved feelings from that. 

You have your answer there.

I do understand. My parents *and* ILs were/are like that. It does suck.

My kids are now young adults (recent college graduate and college junior) and we are doing it differently from how our parents did. We started Roth IRAs for both of them and helped DC1 buy a car. We'll help them when we can. It feels good to do that.

I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t you consider yourself an adult? This isn’t their responsibility.

You are either troll or the most entitled person ever.

After all these years reading this site, I shouldn’t be surprised. But ever so often people like this appear. It’s mind blowing.

[Anonymous]

I, too, think it's too early to be thinking about gifts. Sorry, if that means ticket items are on you. You are the parents after all. Just curious thou, did your parents give you a gift when you got married?

[Anonymous]

Good lord. It's APRIL. you are only 5 months along. There is PLENTY of time for them to give you a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it, my marriage is the same. Only grandkids on both sides, my parents do a lot , the in-laws do absolutely nothing. It’s not that we need it but it would be nice. My husband feels bad that my parents dote on the grandkids and his parents are cheap as hell. Money is not an issue for them..

They probably don’t want to provide financial support based on your attitude.

[Anonymous]

OP I am having a really hard time mustering up any sympathy for your position here. Your parents don't owe you anything in the first place, and are probably planning to get you something when you have a shower. The repeated use of "big ticket" to describe what you're looking for from them is gross, for lack of a better word. You already know they expect you to stand on your own two feet, so feeling like you're being neglected when they expect you to buy things for your own child is not reasonable. Comparing them to your ILs is a good way to nurture resentment even though your parents have done nothing wrong.

And it sounds like they're living in a way where you'll stand to inherit quite a bit. So stop whining.

[Anonymous]

2. "WE" are not pregnant.unless it's two women."
2. It is your kid and your parents have zero responsibility to buy you even a safety pin for your kid. If you can't afford the big items you want, do without!

Apparently, you cannot afford a child.

[Anonymous]

You’re an adult. Pay for your own stuff. Be grateful if anyone gets you anything. Welcome to adulthood!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are the same way. They didn’t help through lost jobs, two in day care, health emergencies etc. my parents had a similar amount of money but were hard working immigrants (who became citizens). They gave us money every year and helped at major junctures. They would rather ,akelide easier for us. Either way, we will inherit from both sides. It’s just a different point of view by each set of parents. FWIW,I’m more in agreement with my parents.

Wow. Imagine being a hard working immigrant that saved for your twilight years, and had to make sure to account for paying for your spoiled adult child. How gross.

[Anonymous]

They were probably hoping that your marriage would breakup before you got an innocent into the world.

They are sorely disappointed with your life and decisions. They cannot muster up enough enthusiasm for the baby!

[Anonymous]

I'm curious what kind of relationship you and your DW have with your parents. My parents ended up doing very little for my brother and his wife, but everything for my sister and her husband. I also know they are much closer to my sister, and feel they could never compete with DIL's parents who did everything for them.

FWIW, my parents started out doing a lot for brother, but it was never enough, DIL's parents could do no wrong. But my mom and DIL didn't really get along--nothing overt.

As someone who heard all sides, it was a life lesson in how everyone sees things through their own lens. The whole mess was super complicated. Still is.

[Anonymous]

When did adult people start expecting big ticket items from their parents? This was definitely not a thing when I had my children in the late 90’s.