Moving in with elderly parents because you failed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same situation but my sister-in-law moved in with us for a year and a half when her life fell apart. I think it was really helpful for her, great for our kids to understand this is how families are there for each other and not a huge burden for us.

My kids got to know their aunt a lot better. She was definitely helpful around the house, and I think she landed on her feet a lot faster than if we hadn't been there, (or maybe she never would have.)

Sure it was embarrassing for her, and we all missed are former privacy at times but it all worked out better than you might think.

Good luck OP

This is a nice post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you get around yet to apologizing to your kids for abandoning and then acting abusively towards them?

If not, go do that. When you come back I'll give you advice.

I began writing them a lengthy email last night. I want to work on it more because I want it to be as perfect as I can make it.

My heart was breaking even more as I wrote it once I was again reminded of what I have lost, the times I will never get back, the times they needed me, the times they reached out to me, thinking about how their all-present loving father quickly evaporated into a memory...only my faith is keeping me going at this point.

Great! Did you look up some of the resources about how to write a good apology? A bad apology is worse than none. Do NOT blame anything on your wife, your upbringing, your anxiety, your health conditions, or anything else, even if it's to "help them understand". Do not talk about yourself at all. Talk about the impact your actions had on THEM. Make sure it's focused on them and not on yourself. That's the #1 mistake people make.

I read some Christian-oriented websites about apologies to children before I started. I made a conscious effort not to mention or blame anyone other than myself. The only thing I said vis-a-vis your comment was that I withdrew/avoided certain high-emotion circumstances (sessions with therapists, for example) because at the time I was concerned about my health (NB: highly-charged circumstances/meetings/conversations/etc basically short circuit me at this point). I then stated that that was, in retrospect, misguided, and I should have trusted in God to give me the strength to deal with those sessions, because that is the role and job of a father.

I said it was never my intention to hurt them - I was trying to be strict and (ironically enough) a good father, but it ended up all wrong, because in the end it simply removed me from their lives when they needed me most. Still plugging away at it.

DP.

OP, I think you need to reread the PP's post.

A good, effective apology is not about you, or what you did, or why you did it. It's about them and the effect your choices had on them.

Reread it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you get around yet to apologizing to your kids for abandoning and then acting abusively towards them?

If not, go do that. When you come back I'll give you advice.

I began writing them a lengthy email last night. I want to work on it more because I want it to be as perfect as I can make it.

My heart was breaking even more as I wrote it once I was again reminded of what I have lost, the times I will never get back, the times they needed me, the times they reached out to me, thinking about how their all-present loving father quickly evaporated into a memory...only my faith is keeping me going at this point.

Great! Did you look up some of the resources about how to write a good apology? A bad apology is worse than none. Do NOT blame anything on your wife, your upbringing, your anxiety, your health conditions, or anything else, even if it's to "help them understand". Do not talk about yourself at all. Talk about the impact your actions had on THEM. Make sure it's focused on them and not on yourself. That's the #1 mistake people make.

I read some Christian-oriented websites about apologies to children before I started. I made a conscious effort not to mention or blame anyone other than myself. The only thing I said vis-a-vis your comment was that I withdrew/avoided certain high-emotion circumstances (sessions with therapists, for example) because at the time I was concerned about my health (NB: highly-charged circumstances/meetings/conversations/etc basically short circuit me at this point). I then stated that that was, in retrospect, misguided, and I should have trusted in God to give me the strength to deal with those sessions, because that is the role and job of a father.

I said it was never my intention to hurt them - I was trying to be strict and (ironically enough) a good father, but it ended up all wrong, because in the end it simply removed me from their lives when they needed me most. Still plugging away at it.

DP.

OP, I think you need to reread the PP's post.

A good, effective apology is not about you, or what you did, or why you did it. It's about them and the effect your choices had on them.

Reread it.

No explanation at all? I'm trying to contextualize my behavior.

But, as in most things in my life, I could be wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP all the time you are spending here and on Christian websites is time you could be spending apologizing to your children. It doesn't need to be flowery and perfect.

[Anonymous]

Your next conversation with your wife needs to begin with "We have hit rock bottom. We have low income, no assets, no savings, and crippling debt. It needs to stop today or we will be on the streets by in three months." If you cannot say those words to her and take control of the finances, then you can't possibly move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you get around yet to apologizing to your kids for abandoning and then acting abusively towards them?

If not, go do that. When you come back I'll give you advice.

I began writing them a lengthy email last night. I want to work on it more because I want it to be as perfect as I can make it.

My heart was breaking even more as I wrote it once I was again reminded of what I have lost, the times I will never get back, the times they needed me, the times they reached out to me, thinking about how their all-present loving father quickly evaporated into a memory...only my faith is keeping me going at this point.

Great! Did you look up some of the resources about how to write a good apology? A bad apology is worse than none. Do NOT blame anything on your wife, your upbringing, your anxiety, your health conditions, or anything else, even if it's to "help them understand". Do not talk about yourself at all. Talk about the impact your actions had on THEM. Make sure it's focused on them and not on yourself. That's the #1 mistake people make.

I read some Christian-oriented websites about apologies to children before I started. I made a conscious effort not to mention or blame anyone other than myself. The only thing I said vis-a-vis your comment was that I withdrew/avoided certain high-emotion circumstances (sessions with therapists, for example) because at the time I was concerned about my health (NB: highly-charged circumstances/meetings/conversations/etc basically short circuit me at this point). I then stated that that was, in retrospect, misguided, and I should have trusted in God to give me the strength to deal with those sessions, because that is the role and job of a father.

I said it was never my intention to hurt them - I was trying to be strict and (ironically enough) a good father, but it ended up all wrong, because in the end it simply removed me from their lives when they needed me most. Still plugging away at it.

DP.

OP, I think you need to reread the PP's post.

A good, effective apology is not about you, or what you did, or why you did it. It's about them and the effect your choices had on them.

Reread it.

No explanation at all? I'm trying to contextualize my behavior.

But, as in most things in my life, I could be wrong.

What I think that first PP was trying to say is that the "contextualizing" is all about you. It's you defending/explaining/excusing your behavior.

They. Don't. Care. Why you did it isn't really important while the are living with the worst effects of it. It's really, really hard to apologize without explaining, but that's the most effective apology. It's hard because it means you shoulder the full weight of it. They can ask questions -- now or later -- if they want reasons. You can even bring it up much later. But the first, real apology? It's all about the fact that you hurt them (NOT why), how hard it has been for them, and how they should not have had to deal with that.

Do you see the difference? The more you talk about you, and your life context, and the details of how you are flagellating yourself for it, the more they hear "Dad is talking about Dad again, here we go." Say you made really bad choices and (once, not dwelling lavishly on details), that you feel really awful about it, and you know it hurt them. Then sit down and LISTEN. Encourage them to tell you what it was like for them, and say you are sorry again.

Don't justify, excuse, explain, or contextualize. That's the hardest talk you'll ever have. But when it is over, those kids will remember that their dad was focused on them, not him and his problems, and he really heard them.

Good luck.

(You can talk about why another time. Later, months or years from now. Do this first.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you get around yet to apologizing to your kids for abandoning and then acting abusively towards them?

If not, go do that. When you come back I'll give you advice.

I began writing them a lengthy email last night. I want to work on it more because I want it to be as perfect as I can make it.

My heart was breaking even more as I wrote it once I was again reminded of what I have lost, the times I will never get back, the times they needed me, the times they reached out to me, thinking about how their all-present loving father quickly evaporated into a memory...only my faith is keeping me going at this point.

Great! Did you look up some of the resources about how to write a good apology? A bad apology is worse than none. Do NOT blame anything on your wife, your upbringing, your anxiety, your health conditions, or anything else, even if it's to "help them understand". Do not talk about yourself at all. Talk about the impact your actions had on THEM. Make sure it's focused on them and not on yourself. That's the #1 mistake people make.

I read some Christian-oriented websites about apologies to children before I started. I made a conscious effort not to mention or blame anyone other than myself. The only thing I said vis-a-vis your comment was that I withdrew/avoided certain high-emotion circumstances (sessions with therapists, for example) because at the time I was concerned about my health (NB: highly-charged circumstances/meetings/conversations/etc basically short circuit me at this point). I then stated that that was, in retrospect, misguided, and I should have trusted in God to give me the strength to deal with those sessions, because that is the role and job of a father.

I said it was never my intention to hurt them - I was trying to be strict and (ironically enough) a good father, but it ended up all wrong, because in the end it simply removed me from their lives when they needed me most. Still plugging away at it.

DP.

OP, I think you need to reread the PP's post.

A good, effective apology is not about you, or what you did, or why you did it. It's about them and the effect your choices had on them.

Reread it.

No explanation at all? I'm trying to contextualize my behavior.

But, as in most things in my life, I could be wrong.

What I think that first PP was trying to say is that the "contextualizing" is all about you. It's you defending/explaining/excusing your behavior.

They. Don't. Care. Why you did it isn't really important while the are living with the worst effects of it. It's really, really hard to apologize without explaining, but that's the most effective apology. It's hard because it means you shoulder the full weight of it. They can ask questions -- now or later -- if they want reasons. You can even bring it up much later. But the first, real apology? It's all about the fact that you hurt them (NOT why), how hard it has been for them, and how they should not have had to deal with that.

Do you see the difference? The more you talk about you, and your life context, and the details of how you are flagellating yourself for it, the more they hear "Dad is talking about Dad again, here we go." Say you made really bad choices and (once, not dwelling lavishly on details), that you feel really awful about it, and you know it hurt them. Then sit down and LISTEN. Encourage them to tell you what it was like for them, and say you are sorry again.

Don't justify, excuse, explain, or contextualize. That's the hardest talk you'll ever have. But when it is over, those kids will remember that their dad was focused on them, not him and his problems, and he really heard them.

Good luck.

(You can talk about why another time. Later, months or years from now. Do this first.)

I appreciate this insight. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your next conversation with your wife needs to begin with "We have hit rock bottom. We have low income, no assets, no savings, and crippling debt. It needs to stop today or we will be on the streets by in three months." If you cannot say those words to her and take control of the finances, then you can't possibly move forward.

This is the rational, logical thing to do. I've tried lesser variations of it with no success in the past. Shame on me. I always get some variation of have faith/we'll manage/we'll figure it out and for some reason I'm always persuaded. Or maybe it's conflict avoidance. At this point I hardly know myself anymore. She has an explosive temper and Iv'e just started to shrink away from anything resembling a confrontation - in most cases. Sometimes I still find a little resistance inside and push back, but nothing ever changes.

[Anonymous]

I wish had a brother or sister to talk to :/ I might try my CBT therapist again...God bless him, he gave me free sessions and said if you can pay me someday, great...if you can't, that's OK too.

[Anonymous]

That sounds good, OP. You are really trying and deserve credit for it.

I was in a similar marriage. Life was infinitely better after the divorce. No kids, though, so a different row to hoe.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am really glad you are beginning to think about life without your current wife and reconnecting with your kids. Remember that your kids may take a while - even a long while - to come around. That's ok. Keep trying.

On moving in with your parents, I think you might find they appreciate it as much as you do. I wish one of my siblings would move in with my mom, and I am sure she does, too. I'm sure you could be a big help to them. At the same time, you can work on yourself and trying not to be co-dependent on your wife. She is abusive and you will be much happier without her in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds good, OP. You are really trying and deserve credit for it.

I was in a similar marriage. Life was infinitely better after the divorce. No kids, though, so a different row to hoe.

He’s not though. He’s spending plenty of time on at least 3 separate threads, dodging answering questions but can’t even manage typing two words to his kids “I’m sorry”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds good, OP. You are really trying and deserve credit for it.

I was in a similar marriage. Life was infinitely better after the divorce. No kids, though, so a different row to hoe.

He’s not though. He’s spending plenty of time on at least 3 separate threads, dodging answering questions but can’t even manage typing two words to his kids “I’m sorry”

I don’t know which questions I’ve dodged. I have spent two years hurting my kids and I think another day or two to collect my thoughts to them won’t matter.

—

Separately I’m terrified of being a financial burden. If this all comes apart I’ll have absolute mountains of debt, both personal and tax, and no way to pay it. My parents don’t live anywhere like the DC area where I could conceivably find a decent job while I recover. It’s all service industry or things like insurance sales which require a license. They are former government workers from a rural area and have enough to live comfortably (think going out to the golf club for sandwiches) but nothing extravagant.

[Anonymous]

What you fear, you create, OP. You’re well on your way.

What’s the reason you want to reconnect with your estranged kids — so they can be your Plan B? They’ll want no part of that.

Fix your current mess first, then work on reconnecting.

The way you approach your wife matters. If you talk to her like it's all her fault, you are inviting defensiveness and will get nowhere.

Ask your money questions in the finance section.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are no debtors' prisons anymore, and I highly doubt your parents can be forced to pay for their grown son.

Worst case (I think) is that you are garnished for any wages and forfeit any tax returns, and you have to pay back steadily and surely. That's not a blow to your parents. It may be a huge blow to your ego, but that is pride, not fear.