Moving in with elderly parents because you failed
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Anonymous
| Just wishing you the best, op. These are very tough times. Please do what you need to do without beating yourself up. Sending good vibes your way. |
Anonymous
NP and seems like it based upon the post about needing a skilled tax attorney (see previous thread and large tax debt). |
Anonymous
OP here. Yes. My threads (about the kids and a link to other issues: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/868735.page ) The best way to explain how I feel is to say that I have a wolf by the ears. Anything I change and everything instantly explodes. Job probably goes, house goes, family is left with nothing except what I choose to pull out of my small and destroyed 401k, etc. I am just barely hanging on to my job and I don't know how long it will last, which will bring this all to a head. I can barely function, I know I'm severely depressed and have enormous anxiety...her solution is for me to express gratefulness, to meditate, exercise, leave it in God's hands, journal, etc. All normally Very Good Ideas. But how can any of that help when I am surrounded by imminent disaster? |
Anonymous
| There's no shame in declaring bankruptcy and starting over. |
Anonymous
This OP sounds a bit more proportionate in his assessment than that guy. That guy is writing his own opera. |
Anonymous
This |
Anonymous
Oh, hadn't read to the end. It IS that guy. Well, OP, if considering this step has calmed you down a bit, I think it's a good one. But also, do NOT display your full sackcloth and ashes thing to your parents. If you present your problems as problems that you plan to work on solving (to the extent you need to tell them) that can be good, helps reframe your own thinking. If you present your problems as Disaster and Catastrophe, you can bet it will be stressful and burdensome on them. |
Anonymous
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Did you get around yet to apologizing to your kids for abandoning and then acting abusively towards them?
If not, go do that. When you come back I'll give you advice. |
Anonymous
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Not exactly the same situation but my sister-in-law moved in with us for a year and a half when her life fell apart. I think it was really helpful for her, great for our kids to understand this is how families are there for each other and not a huge burden for us.
My kids got to know their aunt a lot better. She was definitely helpful around the house, and I think she landed on her feet a lot faster than if we hadn't been there, (or maybe she never would have.) Sure it was embarrassing for her, and we all missed are former privacy at times but it all worked out better than you might think. Good luck OP |
Anonymous
I began writing them a lengthy email last night. I want to work on it more because I want it to be as perfect as I can make it. My heart was breaking even more as I wrote it once I was again reminded of what I have lost, the times I will never get back, the times they needed me, the times they reached out to me, thinking about how their all-present loving father quickly evaporated into a memory...only my faith is keeping me going at this point. |
Anonymous
Let me guess, then you'll run it by your wife and then have 5-6 more excuses as to why it can't be sent. |
Anonymous
Op, you are not fundamentally a bad person. Nobody is. We all sometimes make bad decisions and live with regret. Whether or not you come out of this being a help or a burden to your parents, as well as how people will view you in the long haul, is entirely a function of your attitude. It feels overwhelming, but wallowing in that would be worse. You need, to put it bluntly, to own your own shit. Spilling it onto other people (our parents certainly included) is not a helpful way of dealing with it. Writing self-flagellating posts here is not a helpful way of dealing with it. It's actually a way of avoiding dealing with it and yet still feeling that you've mitigated your responsibility because at least you are harder on yourself than anyone else. (I've been there. Don't do that. People will end up withdrawing from you, because the have to. You've set up a game that is a black hole.) Talk about it with a therapist and/or a close friend or two that is explicitly willing to help you deal with the messiness. Friends burn out fast, though. The important part is not punishing yourself, but moving forward. You need a plan for that. You can't see the plan yet. Work on that instead of working on talking about how terrible you are and what you have done. That needs to wait until after you have a viable plan underway. Delving into that now -- more than a simple, straightforward "I'm sorry for what I did, and I'm trying to make it better now" is about deflecting responsibility. Don't get in the car with Document Review Guy. He has enough on his plate. Don't go there with him. |
Anonymous
Great! Did you look up some of the resources about how to write a good apology? A bad apology is worse than none. Do NOT blame anything on your wife, your upbringing, your anxiety, your health conditions, or anything else, even if it's to "help them understand". Do not talk about yourself at all. Talk about the impact your actions had on THEM. Make sure it's focused on them and not on yourself. That's the #1 mistake people make. |
Anonymous
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I’ve read both of your posts and given this some thought, OP. It seems whenever you have a problem, the only solution you come up with is to run from it. Going to your parents is running away yet again. The problem with that solution is that you never resolve what the actual problem is. So you have money problems with your wife. Treat her like a partner, and not “the problem.” Both of you need to learn about money and how to fix your debt problem. Start reading to learn the steps you need to take to get out of it. Because of the coronavirus, at least some states have put a hold on foreclosures and evictions for the time being. Use this time to get some traction. Google Dave Ramsey and read his advice. Start with the baby steps. The “kids” are young adults. They can be part of the solution. Everyone in the family needs a job and needs to be contributing to the family. Learn how to sell the extra stuff on eBay. The math itself is not the hard part; it’s simple addition and subtraction. Use a calculator for the big numbers.
You should apologize to the other kids you have. My advice there — make the initial letter short. Stop the long letter which is probably full of your tales of woe and blaming others. They don’t want to hear that. Acknowledge their deep hurt and tell them that you’re truly sorry. Ask for their forgiveness. Don’t expect instant forgiveness. |
Anonymous
I read some Christian-oriented websites about apologies to children before I started. I made a conscious effort not to mention or blame anyone other than myself. The only thing I said vis-a-vis your comment was that I withdrew/avoided certain high-emotion circumstances (sessions with therapists, for example) because at the time I was concerned about my health (NB: highly-charged circumstances/meetings/conversations/etc basically short circuit me at this point). I then stated that that was, in retrospect, misguided, and I should have trusted in God to give me the strength to deal with those sessions, because that is the role and job of a father. I said it was never my intention to hurt them - I was trying to be strict and (ironically enough) a good father, but it ended up all wrong, because in the end it simply removed me from their lives when they needed me most. Still plugging away at it. |