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Emoticons





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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Did you get around yet to apologizing to your kids for abandoning and then acting abusively towards them?

If not, go do that. When you come back I'll give you advice.[/quote]

I began writing them a lengthy email last night.  I want to work on it more because I want it to be as perfect as I can make it.

My heart was breaking even more as I wrote it once I was again reminded of what I have lost, the times I will never get back, the times they needed me, the times they reached out to me, thinking about how their all-present loving father quickly evaporated into a memory...only my faith is keeping me going at this point.  [/quote]

Great! Did you look up some of the resources about how to write a good apology? A bad apology is worse than none. Do NOT blame anything on your wife, your upbringing, your anxiety, your health conditions, or anything else, even if it's to "help them understand".[b] Do not talk about yourself at all. Talk about the impact your actions had on THEM. Make sure it's focused on them and not on yourself. That's the #1 mistake people make.[/b][/quote]

I read some Christian-oriented websites about apologies to children before I started.  [b]I made a conscious effort not to mention or blame anyone other than myself.  The only thing I said vis-a-vis your comment was that I withdrew/avoided certain high-emotion circumstances (sessions with therapists, for example) because at the time I was concerned about my health (NB: highly-charged circumstances/meetings/conversations/etc basically short circuit me at this point).  I then stated that that was, in retrospect, misguided, and I should have trusted in God to give me the strength to deal with those sessions, because that is the role and job of a father.

I said it was never my intention to hurt them - I was trying to be strict and (ironically enough) a good father, but it ended up all wrong, because in the end it simply removed me from their lives when they needed me most. [/b] Still plugging away at it. 
 [/quote]

DP.

OP, I think you need to reread the PP's post.

A good, effective apology is not about you, or what you did, or why you did it. It's about them and the effect your choices had on them.

Reread it. [/quote]

No explanation at all?  I'm trying to contextualize my behavior.

But, as in most things in my life, I could be wrong.  [/quote]

What I think that first PP was trying to say is that the "contextualizing" is all about you. It's you defending/explaining/excusing your behavior.

They. Don't. Care. Why you did it isn't really important while the are living with the worst effects of it. It's really, really hard to apologize without explaining, but that's the most effective apology. It's hard because it means you shoulder the full weight of it. They can ask questions -- now or later -- if they want reasons. You can even bring it up much later. But the first, real apology? It's all about the fact that you hurt them (NOT why), how hard it has been for them, and how they should not have had to deal with that.

Do you see the difference? The more you talk about you, and your life context, and the details of how you are flagellating yourself for it, the more they hear "Dad is talking about Dad again, here we go." Say you made really bad choices and (once, not dwelling lavishly on details), that you feel really awful about it, and you know it hurt them. Then sit down and LISTEN. Encourage them to tell you what it was like for them, and say you are sorry again.

Don't justify, excuse, explain, or contextualize. That's the hardest talk you'll ever have. But when it is over, those kids will remember that their dad was focused on them, not him and his problems, and he really heard them.

Good luck.

(You can talk about why another time. Later,  months or years from now. Do this first.)[/quote]

I appreciate this insight.  Thank you.  [/quote]

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