Why do ppl “stay for the kids?”

[Anonymous]

The absolute worst moment of my life was telling my kids their parents were getting divorced. It still breaks my heart to think about it. I would have done anything to avoid it, I was ready to fall on my sword and live a joyless life, but my ex wanted out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fear? Money? Not wanting to downsize?

I don’t understand this mentality- can you explain? Everyone I know whose parents “stayed for the kids,” later resented then for lying or have trouble in their own relationships now. Not looking for any passive aggressive answers, I’m just genuinely curious as to how this models what a loving marriage should be to children. Life just seems too short to only roll with the punches day-by-day. I know I wouldn’t want back and look at my life and seeing how I waited such and such years as a countdown to when the kids graduated Hs.

Do you really not see how circular this is? By definition, the people who found out their parents "stayed for the kids" (much less told you about it) are going to be the ones for whom it went sour. Meanwhile, who knows how many of the blissfully unaware people who are like "My parents are the cutest couple, they've been married 50 years," actually have one or both parents who stayed for the kids at some point in the marriage.

Keep in mind also that "staying for the kids" isn't always a permanent state. A couple might bare knuckle it that way for a few years, then improve the relationship to one where they genuinely prefer to stay for themselves.

I used to also have a very black and white attitude when I was younger, but since then I've realized that people are very complicated and we rarely know the truth about them or their relationships with each other.

+1

+100.

[Anonymous]

I don’t trust my husband to keep my kids safe if he had joint custody. Long story and he has issues but that’s why I’m sticking this out until they’re old enough to keep themselves safe. C

[Anonymous]

I don't trust my husband to focus his energies on his children rather than the pursuit of the next woman. He would follow his mother's pattern of showering the new partner's children with attention and gifts whilst leaving bio children in the cold. At least this way the kids are in their own home 100% with mom emotionally present.

I have heard one too many stories from my girlfriends of weekend visitation/one day per week (as to avoid paying child support) dads hiring sitters so they can take the new piece out and bring her back even though there's verbiage in their separation and divorce agreements prohibiting this very thing for 12 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't trust my husband to focus his energies on his children rather than the pursuit of the next woman. He would follow his mother's pattern of showering the new partner's children with attention and gifts whilst leaving bio children in the cold. At least this way the kids are in their own home 100% with mom emotionally present.

I have heard one too many stories from my girlfriends of weekend visitation/one day per week (as to avoid paying child support) dads hiring sitters so they can take the new piece out and bring her back even though there's verbiage in their separation and divorce agreements prohibiting this very thing for 12 months.

That’s such a sucky situation for you. I’m so sorry.

I just can’t believe most dads are that way. Refuse to believe that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t trust my husband to keep my kids safe if he had joint custody. Long story and he has issues but that’s why I’m sticking this out until they’re old enough to keep themselves safe. C

Same here. He doesn’t believe his symptoms or his diagnosis. He drives the young kids up a wall and can’t handle them at all. It’s like they all meltdown together multiple times a day if he’s the only adult around/ I’m working/ I’m sick, etc. It’s scary and sad.

[Anonymous]

I need our combined income to pay for my child's 40K per year special needs school. Plus he loves his dad, who is good to him. He's verbally abusive to me, but I can't make a change right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fear? Money? Not wanting to downsize?

I don’t understand this mentality- can you explain? Everyone I know whose parents “stayed for the kids,” later resented then for lying or have trouble in their own relationships now. Not looking for any passive aggressive answers, I’m just genuinely curious as to how this models what a loving marriage should be to children. Life just seems too short to only roll with the punches day-by-day. I know I wouldn’t want back and look at my life and seeing how I waited such and such years as a countdown to when the kids graduated Hs.

Do you really not see how circular this is? By definition, the people who found out their parents "stayed for the kids" (much less told you about it) are going to be the ones for whom it went sour. Meanwhile, who knows how many of the blissfully unaware people who are like "My parents are the cutest couple, they've been married 50 years," actually have one or both parents who stayed for the kids at some point in the marriage.

Keep in mind also that "staying for the kids" isn't always a permanent state. A couple might bare knuckle it that way for a few years, then improve the relationship to one where they genuinely prefer to stay for themselves.

I used to also have a very black and white attitude when I was younger, but since then I've realized that people are very complicated and we rarely know the truth about them or their relationships with each other.

I don't think the OP is referring to your normal marriage with their occasional ups and downs. Yes, sometimes many if not most marriages go through a period where if you had just been dating and didn't have a family at stake, you'd just cut your losses. But in many of those scenarios the couple moves forward and manages to get to a good place in the relationship again.

There are marriages where people comment they hate the other person, haven't had sex in half a decade, sleep in separate rooms and have been generally miserable for years. There's NO way the children are fooled.

You know me?

[Anonymous]

WE told our kids 4 years ago we were getting a divorce and dad was moving to the nanny suite.

Did family therapy for 6 months.

They don't feel lied to, everything is on the table.

I am very happy, I don't need to date to be happy. My kids rock, my life rocks. Sure my STBX would like me to forgive and forget but it's not happening.

We don't fight or hate each other he just cheated and I said "bye boy".

[Anonymous]

For the kids obviously.

[Anonymous]

I think people stay for the kids because life is no fairy tale
Your life is not going to be better
You will most likely have the same issues in a new relationship
New relationship will be so much harder with stepkids
Just suck it up and make the most of it

[Anonymous]

You stay "for the kids" because the risk of 50/50 coparenting will F them up beyond belief.

Plus coparenting with someone incompetent is a PITA when divorced or married.

You just gotta bolster other aspects of your life and raise the kids right. Pretend you're a single parent of spouse and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people stay for the kids because life is no fairy tale
Your life is not going to be better
You will most likely have the same issues in a new relationship
New relationship will be so much harder with stepkids
Just suck it up and make the most of it

A "new relationship" is the last thing on my mind as I deal with my current $hit$how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t trust my husband to keep my kids safe if he had joint custody. Long story and he has issues but that’s why I’m sticking this out until they’re old enough to keep themselves safe. C

Same here. He doesn’t believe his symptoms or his diagnosis. He drives the young kids up a wall and can’t handle them at all. It’s like they all meltdown together multiple times a day if he’s the only adult around/ I’m working/ I’m sick, etc. It’s scary and sad.

Maybe he wouldn't want physical custody then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t trust my husband to keep my kids safe if he had joint custody. Long story and he has issues but that’s why I’m sticking this out until they’re old enough to keep themselves safe. C

Same here. He doesn’t believe his symptoms or his diagnosis. He drives the young kids up a wall and can’t handle them at all. It’s like they all meltdown together multiple times a day if he’s the only adult around/ I’m working/ I’m sick, etc. It’s scary and sad.

Maybe he wouldn't want physical custody then?

Usually the men truly believe their symptoms are their wife’s fault. She’s nagging too much, or she didn’t remind them, etc.