Why do ppl “stay for the kids?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Couples should really only stay for the kids until middle school at that point the children are very smart and articulate and can tell a judge who they want to live with and which parent is really the preferred parent .

Horrible, evil advice. My parents did this to me and having to choose one parent over another was a terrible trauma I still have not gotten over 25 years later. And I seemed “fine” at the time. No child of any age should ever be put in such an awful position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Couples should really only stay for the kids until middle school at that point the children are very smart and articulate and can tell a judge who they want to live with and which parent is really the preferred parent .

No, not really. I know two people whose ex's have pretty serious issues. No WAY do the kids want to be disloyal to the parent by being honest to a judge or even a family therapist about it. Plus the courts really want to try to maintain a relationship. So the parent that has issues will probably get at least 2 weekends a month, probably more unless you can show they are "unfit" which is basically impossible without broken bones or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fear? Money? Not wanting to downsize?

I don’t understand this mentality- can you explain? Everyone I know whose parents “stayed for the kids,” later resented then for lying or have trouble in their own relationships now. Not looking for any passive aggressive answers, I’m just genuinely curious as to how this models what a loving marriage should be to children. Life just seems too short to only roll with the punches day-by-day. I know I wouldn’t want back and look at my life and seeing how I waited such and such years as a countdown to when the kids graduated Hs.

Most people whose parents got divorced also blame their parents. Most people blame their parents, period. Look, some people get lucky in love and have nice, happy relationships, and their kids appreciate that. Other people don't, and it's a less than ideal situation whether they stay or leave, and the kids always think they should have done something differently. I personally can't get over the number of ADULTS who are so upset and resentful when their parents get divorced, like it's still their business.

[Anonymous]

Though my mom is not open about it (sad for me), she clearly stayed for the kids and though I wouldn’t ask it of her (I have difficulty being selfish), I’m so happy for my child self that she did. She wasn’t of the type or culture to leave a marriage anyhow. My dad was overbearing, a drinker (not the worst not the best), paternalistic and sexist, clueless about emotions and society, quick to anger. It would have been tough if not scary dealing with him ourselves as kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fear? Money? Not wanting to downsize?

I don’t understand this mentality- can you explain? Everyone I know whose parents “stayed for the kids,” later resented then for lying or have trouble in their own relationships now. Not looking for any passive aggressive answers, I’m just genuinely curious as to how this models what a loving marriage should be to children. Life just seems too short to only roll with the punches day-by-day. I know I wouldn’t want back and look at my life and seeing how I waited such and such years as a countdown to when the kids graduated Hs.

Most people whose parents got divorced also blame their parents. Most people blame their parents, period. Look, some people get lucky in love and have nice, happy relationships, and their kids appreciate that. Other people don't, and it's a less than ideal situation whether they stay or leave, and the kids always think they should have done something differently. I personally can't get over the number of ADULTS who are so upset and resentful when their parents get divorced, like it's still their business.

Have to agree. You’re going to be blamed no matter what. Just do research, listen to your heart, know the other co-parent and their abilities, decide for yourself. Be prepared for the blame to come. And mind you different children in the same household will differ on whom to blame and for what. That’s how it is in my household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's it to you? If you're not in that position, no one owes you an explanation.

Her AP is "staying for the kids".

Hahaha!

Truth.

[Anonymous]

Hmmmmm...I dunno. Maybe because a lot of marital issues are figure-outable if both parties would get their head out of their own asses or their privates out of people who live outside of the home. And you know, maybe, just maybe kids deserve to have two, responsible parents who are mature enough to stick to what they vowed to do and raise them (who didn't ask to be here in the first damn place)...together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's it to you? If you're not in that position, no one owes you an explanation.

Her AP is "staying for the kids".

+1 And she's big, BIG mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Couples should really only stay for the kids until middle school at that point the children are very smart and articulate and can tell a judge who they want to live with and which parent is really the preferred parent .

Oh yeah, wait until they're old enough to really feel the impact of divorce. Do you know how many kids are in therapy at middle school/high school age because of their parents divorce? Better to do it when the kids are toddlers. Less "family" memories.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No, don’t have an AP- dating, single (guess I’ll be berated for that too?( I just see a lot of posts from people saying how miserable they are and wanted to see the reasoning. My parents were divorced, and my mom left as soon as she had the means to.

To the poster with the children with special needs- I apologize if I came off as insensitive. I can definitely see why in this case it is more helpful for everyone to have the family unit stay together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's it to you? If you're not in that position, no one owes you an explanation.

Her AP is "staying for the kids".

Hahaha!

Truth.

You're effing morons. The OP has stated (not like we didn't need confirmation) that they're single, not married, and "just wondering." This isn't monkeys in a cage, here for her amusement. Are you nuts?

[Anonymous]

Wife and I are friends, we aren't romantic, sex is absent. I suppose I am jaded and just assume all relationships end up here so why trade being fully involved with my kids for a good sex life that will be temporary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Couples should really only stay for the kids until middle school at that point the children are very smart and articulate and can tell a judge who they want to live with and which parent is really the preferred parent .

Horrible, evil advice. My parents did this to me and having to choose one parent over another was a terrible trauma I still have not gotten over 25 years later. And I seemed “fine” at the time. No child of any age should ever be put in such an awful position.

Agreed. This is like asking the parent to choose one of their children to raise. Sophie’s choice. Nobody wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's it to you? If you're not in that position, no one owes you an explanation.

Her AP is "staying for the kids".

+1 And she's big, BIG mad.

and telework is killing her nooner.

and they're in love but but but "the kids"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Because money DOES buy a certain measure of physical, emotional, educational and social comfort and divorces are extremely expensive.

This is for your usual run-of-the-mill, basically decent couple who don't appreciate each other.

My response changes for abusive relationships.

Winner of DCUM post of the decade. People just don't want to admit it.