Why do ppl “stay for the kids?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son stayed with his wife for about seven years after his initial visit to a lawyer. The lawyer pointed out that although the wife was very clearly batshit crazy it was not in such a way that a judge would deem her an unfit mother and so she would get at least 50% custody of their 10 yr old daughter.

He also told my son that although he would have his daughter half the time he would not know what was really going on the other half of the time, and there was nothing stopping the wife from finding a sketchy guy and having a relationship with him or even moving him in to her home. This possibility was what caused my son to wait until his daughter graduated from HS before he left. It was very rough but he is very glad he did that now, five years after they split up.

At the time I wanted him to get out because the wife refused to even try to get any help for her problems or proper marriage counseling. It pained me to watch what my son was dealing with, but ultimately I think he was right to stay and although he was often miserable he protected his daughter and almost certainly made her life better than it would have been had he moved out.

This is exactly why many of us stay, at least until kids are legal adults - our of HS - in College. My husband has an awful temper and zero patience for kids. I can't bare the thought of them at his place 50% of the time without be there to serve as a buffer. Right now, I handle them nearly 90% of the time and he jumps in here and there to do fun Daddy stuff or answer some homework questions. But the tough, dealing with meltdowns from our younger child, wiping butts, treating while sick, upset, all the forms, keeping up with school work, medical appointments, non-glamorous parenting is up to me. Yes, I hope things will improve in a few years, but the reality is I resent him so much for bailing on me leaving me to solo parent while barely keeping a career going. In the end, I am put on a happy face for the sake of my kids. I will revisit when the youngest moves out to see if I truly can love this man again or am better off alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Couples should really only stay for the kids until middle school at that point the children are very smart and articulate and can tell a judge who they want to live with and which parent is really the preferred parent .

And teens will pick the one that lets them smoke pot in the house.

No- they actually will choose the parent who does the heavy lifting and actually parents.

No they dont.

I can't speak for all kids. But I closely watched a divorce where the dad had been largely "there" throughout his daughter's life, but never did the difficult part of parenting (setting limits, etc). So when the parents separated the daughter initially wanted to stay with her dad. Within 2 months she was 50-50. By the time the divorce was finalized she requested to be full time with her mom. Because her mom did the work, set limits, put her daughter's well being first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son stayed with his wife for about seven years after his initial visit to a lawyer. The lawyer pointed out that although the wife was very clearly batshit crazy it was not in such a way that a judge would deem her an unfit mother and so she would get at least 50% custody of their 10 yr old daughter.

He also told my son that although he would have his daughter half the time he would not know what was really going on the other half of the time, and there was nothing stopping the wife from finding a sketchy guy and having a relationship with him or even moving him in to her home. This possibility was what caused my son to wait until his daughter graduated from HS before he left. It was very rough but he is very glad he did that now, five years after they split up.

At the time I wanted him to get out because the wife refused to even try to get any help for her problems or proper marriage counseling. It pained me to watch what my son was dealing with, but ultimately I think he was right to stay and although he was often miserable he protected his daughter and almost certainly made her life better than it would have been had he moved out.

This is exactly why many of us stay, at least until kids are legal adults - our of HS - in College. My husband has an awful temper and zero patience for kids. I can't bare the thought of them at his place 50% of the time without be there to serve as a buffer. Right now, I handle them nearly 90% of the time and he jumps in here and there to do fun Daddy stuff or answer some homework questions. But the tough, dealing with meltdowns from our younger child, wiping butts, treating while sick, upset, all the forms, keeping up with school work, medical appointments, non-glamorous parenting is up to me. Yes, I hope things will improve in a few years, but the reality is I resent him so much for bailing on me leaving me to solo parent while barely keeping a career going. In the end, I am put on a happy face for the sake of my kids. I will revisit when the youngest moves out to see if I truly can love this man again or am better off alone.

Ironic. My wife is a SAHM and she is on her iPhone 7-9 hours a day, yet finds ways to complain about her life. I work 60-70 hours a week and support the entire family. She spends about $40-50k a year on nonessential items. Yet....complains she's "busy". We only have one kid - thankfully. She also doesn't know how to cook and barely cleans the house. I literally have two children at home. One is six and the other is 42. And she can't understand why I'm not happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fear? Money? Not wanting to downsize?

I don’t understand this mentality- can you explain? Everyone I know whose parents “stayed for the kids,” later resented then for lying or have trouble in their own relationships now. Not looking for any passive aggressive answers, I’m just genuinely curious as to how this models what a loving marriage should be to children. Life just seems too short to only roll with the punches day-by-day. I know I wouldn’t want back and look at my life and seeing how I waited such and such years as a countdown to when the kids graduated Hs.

Do you really not see how circular this is? By definition, the people who found out their parents "stayed for the kids" (much less told you about it) are going to be the ones for whom it went sour. Meanwhile, who knows how many of the blissfully unaware people who are like "My parents are the cutest couple, they've been married 50 years," actually have one or both parents who stayed for the kids at some point in the marriage.

Keep in mind also that "staying for the kids" isn't always a permanent state. A couple might bare knuckle it that way for a few years, then improve the relationship to one where they genuinely prefer to stay for themselves.

I used to also have a very black and white attitude when I was younger, but since then I've realized that people are very complicated and we rarely know the truth about them or their relationships with each other.

I don't think the OP is referring to your normal marriage with their occasional ups and downs. Yes, sometimes many if not most marriages go through a period where if you had just been dating and didn't have a family at stake, you'd just cut your losses. But in many of those scenarios the couple moves forward and manages to get to a good place in the relationship again.

There are marriages where people comment they hate the other person, haven't had sex in half a decade, sleep in separate rooms and have been generally miserable for years. There's NO way the children are fooled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fear? Money? Not wanting to downsize?

I don’t understand this mentality- can you explain? Everyone I know whose parents “stayed for the kids,” later resented then for lying or have trouble in their own relationships now. Not looking for any passive aggressive answers, I’m just genuinely curious as to how this models what a loving marriage should be to children. Life just seems too short to only roll with the punches day-by-day. I know I wouldn’t want back and look at my life and seeing how I waited such and such years as a countdown to when the kids graduated Hs.

Do you really not see how circular this is? By definition, the people who found out their parents "stayed for the kids" (much less told you about it) are going to be the ones for whom it went sour. Meanwhile, who knows how many of the blissfully unaware people who are like "My parents are the cutest couple, they've been married 50 years," actually have one or both parents who stayed for the kids at some point in the marriage.

Keep in mind also that "staying for the kids" isn't always a permanent state. A couple might bare knuckle it that way for a few years, then improve the relationship to one where they genuinely prefer to stay for themselves.

I used to also have a very black and white attitude when I was younger, but since then I've realized that people are very complicated and we rarely know the truth about them or their relationships with each other.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No, don’t have an AP- dating, single (guess I’ll be berated for that too?( I just see a lot of posts from people saying how miserable they are and wanted to see the reasoning. My parents were divorced, and my mom left as soon as she had the means to.

To the poster with the children with special needs- I apologize if I came off as insensitive. I can definitely see why in this case it is more helpful for everyone to have the family unit stay together.

I think if you are single, it’s hard to understand. I think it’s easier to think of a marriage relationship more like your relationship with your parents when you were growing up. Your spouse is your immediate family. It’s not like dating.

- you have probably had ups and downs, and had months or even years (teenage years?) where you didn’t like her very much, then years where you are very close
- if you were to end that relationship, a lot of people would be affected. Of course, in the case of abuse, a child or teen should take the appropriate steps to advocate for themselves.
- you can live with someone for a long time and not really interact with them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No, don’t have an AP- dating, single (guess I’ll be berated for that too?( I just see a lot of posts from people saying how miserable they are and wanted to see the reasoning. My parents were divorced, and my mom left as soon as she had the means to.

To the poster with the children with special needs- I apologize if I came off as insensitive. I can definitely see why in this case it is more helpful for everyone to have the family unit stay together.

If you don't have children and joint assets with someone, you can't understand. I'm sorry. This is not a dig against you. You think you can, but you really can't.

[Anonymous]

I left for the kids. We haven't regretted it, because we managed to split before we hated or killed each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fear? Money? Not wanting to downsize?

I don’t understand this mentality- can you explain? Everyone I know whose parents “stayed for the kids,” later resented then for lying or have trouble in their own relationships now. Not looking for any passive aggressive answers, I’m just genuinely curious as to how this models what a loving marriage should be to children. Life just seems too short to only roll with the punches day-by-day. I know I wouldn’t want back and look at my life and seeing how I waited such and such years as a countdown to when the kids graduated Hs.

Do you really not see how circular this is? By definition, the people who found out their parents "stayed for the kids" (much less told you about it) are going to be the ones for whom it went sour. Meanwhile, who knows how many of the blissfully unaware people who are like "My parents are the cutest couple, they've been married 50 years," actually have one or both parents who stayed for the kids at some point in the marriage.

Keep in mind also that "staying for the kids" isn't always a permanent state. A couple might bare knuckle it that way for a few years, then improve the relationship to one where they genuinely prefer to stay for themselves.

I used to also have a very black and white attitude when I was younger, but since then I've realized that people are very complicated and we rarely know the truth about them or their relationships with each other.

I was going to say this. Plus I’m sure you know people who are resentful their parents divorced instead of sticking it out for the sake of the family. Not to mention, none of these people know that things would have been better if their parents had chosen the alternative.

[Anonymous]

It's a tough decision. My DC still cries that xH and I split. It breaks my heart and I've considered going back several times. But I also remember how horrible xH was, and how DC and I both had horrible anxiety 24/7. Either way, DC loses.

[Anonymous]

Depends on what the issue is.

I see a lot of posts on here from people who say their big problem is lack of sex/they are basically friendly roommates.

If that is the case and they are still amicable/kind to each other in front of the kids or just in general, why divorce until kids are old enough?

[Anonymous]

we stay because we actually get along fine, have no financial issues and that is a good model for my kid. Its better for her to be in a two parent household instead of going back and forth. It would be selfish to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Because separation, divorce, custody and co-parenting can be very complicated and full of conflict. They can lead to financial ruin, years in court, very unhappy parents, and emotionally damaged kids.

For every smooth divorce and happy co-parenting plan, there are many others that are high conflict and difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's it to you? If you're not in that position, no one owes you an explanation.

+100. Sometimes divorce is absolutely the right option and sometimes it’s absolutely not, and there are grey areas. If and when you live through the decision, you’ll get it for yourself.

Wonderfully put.

I never understood it either...until it became my situation and I’m living it.

[Anonymous]

Because if you divorce, they get partial custody and start dating god knows who and then your kid(s) are exposed to them and you have no say so.