Why do ppl “stay for the kids?”

[Anonymous]

Fear? Money? Not wanting to downsize?

I don’t understand this mentality- can you explain? Everyone I know whose parents “stayed for the kids,” later resented then for lying or have trouble in their own relationships now. Not looking for any passive aggressive answers, I’m just genuinely curious as to how this models what a loving marriage should be to children. Life just seems too short to only roll with the punches day-by-day. I know I wouldn’t want back and look at my life and seeing how I waited such and such years as a countdown to when the kids graduated Hs.

[Anonymous]

What's it to you? If you're not in that position, no one owes you an explanation.

[Anonymous]

They think the kids don’t notice what a sh*tty relationship they have, but they’re delusional.

[Anonymous]

My kids have health needs that their other parent won't acknowledge or treat. I am staying until they are old enough to be able to tell someone when they're having symptoms. I do still hope that we'll find a way to salvage the marriage in the meantime, but I'm prepared to leave when the kids are old enough, if not.

I also followed my spouse to a state where I have no social support in order to further their career over mine. I will need to work very hard to find work and social support here since I can't move the kids out-of-state, where I would be able to more easily rebuild my career and have much more support.

My spouse knew exactly what they needed to do to trap me.

[Anonymous]

Because money DOES buy a certain measure of physical, emotional, educational and social comfort and divorces are extremely expensive.

This is for your usual run-of-the-mill, basically decent couple who don't appreciate each other.

My response changes for abusive relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's it to you? If you're not in that position, no one owes you an explanation.

+100. Sometimes divorce is absolutely the right option and sometimes it’s absolutely not, and there are grey areas. If and when you live through the decision, you’ll get it for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's it to you? If you're not in that position, no one owes you an explanation.

Her AP is "staying for the kids".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fear? Money? Not wanting to downsize?

I don’t understand this mentality- can you explain? Everyone I know whose parents “stayed for the kids,” later resented then for lying or have trouble in their own relationships now. Not looking for any passive aggressive answers, I’m just genuinely curious as to how this models what a loving marriage should be to children. Life just seems too short to only roll with the punches day-by-day. I know I wouldn’t want back and look at my life and seeing how I waited such and such years as a countdown to when the kids graduated Hs.

Do you really not see how circular this is? By definition, the people who found out their parents "stayed for the kids" (much less told you about it) are going to be the ones for whom it went sour. Meanwhile, who knows how many of the blissfully unaware people who are like "My parents are the cutest couple, they've been married 50 years," actually have one or both parents who stayed for the kids at some point in the marriage.

Keep in mind also that "staying for the kids" isn't always a permanent state. A couple might bare knuckle it that way for a few years, then improve the relationship to one where they genuinely prefer to stay for themselves.

I used to also have a very black and white attitude when I was younger, but since then I've realized that people are very complicated and we rarely know the truth about them or their relationships with each other.

[Anonymous]

If you are a man and cannot get 50/50 at best you'll see your kids two weekends a month/4 days, how would you feel being that parent? And, if mom wants to she can refuse visits and its rare that judges will do much.

[Anonymous]

My son stayed with his wife for about seven years after his initial visit to a lawyer. The lawyer pointed out that although the wife was very clearly batshit crazy it was not in such a way that a judge would deem her an unfit mother and so she would get at least 50% custody of their 10 yr old daughter.

He also told my son that although he would have his daughter half the time he would not know what was really going on the other half of the time, and there was nothing stopping the wife from finding a sketchy guy and having a relationship with him or even moving him in to her home. This possibility was what caused my son to wait until his daughter graduated from HS before he left. It was very rough but he is very glad he did that now, five years after they split up.

At the time I wanted him to get out because the wife refused to even try to get any help for her problems or proper marriage counseling. It pained me to watch what my son was dealing with, but ultimately I think he was right to stay and although he was often miserable he protected his daughter and almost certainly made her life better than it would have been had he moved out.

[Anonymous]

Couples should really only stay for the kids until middle school at that point the children are very smart and articulate and can tell a judge who they want to live with and which parent is really the preferred parent .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Couples should really only stay for the kids until middle school at that point the children are very smart and articulate and can tell a judge who they want to live with and which parent is really the preferred parent .

And teens will pick the one that lets them smoke pot in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Couples should really only stay for the kids until middle school at that point the children are very smart and articulate and can tell a judge who they want to live with and which parent is really the preferred parent .

And teens will pick the one that lets them smoke pot in the house.

No- they actually will choose the parent who does the heavy lifting and actually parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Couples should really only stay for the kids until middle school at that point the children are very smart and articulate and can tell a judge who they want to live with and which parent is really the preferred parent .

And teens will pick the one that lets them smoke pot in the house.

No- they actually will choose the parent who does the heavy lifting and actually parents.

No they dont.

[Anonymous]

Um, because the kids matter?

I have two children with special needs. One started picking the nails right off her toes, revealing inflamed, torn flesh beneath, just because we changed daycares. How do you think a child with anxiety that severe would handle a parent moving out and being shuttled back and forth between homes in shared custody?