Therapist Won't Condemn my Partner's Affair.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you looked at a site like surviving infidelity.com? Based on the experience of many, many people who have been in your situation, going to couples therapy at this stage is pointless. Your partner needs individual counseling to figure out why he thought it was ok to cheat/why he has weak boundaries. The affair is his problem, not a marital problem. That doesn't mean that there aren't issues in your relationship that need to be addressed, but before that can happen he needs to figure out his own issues. Affairs are never, ever the fault of the betrayed partner. You were both in the same relationship, and you didn't choose to cheat. You may also need therapy, to deal with your own feelings about the cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:modernity demands moral relativism. There is no absolute right or wrong.

This is just plain bs. Not can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The therapist isn’t there to condemn or take sides, but surely they should empathize with what OP is (very understandably) feeling so that OP feels heard and understood? A skilled therapist can find that balance and it sounds like this one is missing the mark.

Agreed. The therapist isn’t hearing the OP (or at least the OP doesn’t feel heard). You can’t build trust with a therapist if you don’t feel heard. You need to find a therapist who can do so.

[Anonymous]

I recommend reading The State of Affairs by well-respected couples' therapist Esther Perel.

OP, it is so hurtful when a spouse goes outside the marriage to meet needs, and breaks vows.

But the reasons for an affair are complex and you're not going to find peace looking to blame him alone. If he's simply a bad person, leave him. If he's not, share in discovering why he did what he did and what responsibility you bear for what wasn't right in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recommend reading The State of Affairs by well-respected couples' therapist Esther Perel.

OP, it is so hurtful when a spouse goes outside the marriage to meet needs, and breaks vows.

But the reasons for an affair are complex and you're not going to find peace looking to blame him alone. If he's simply a bad person, leave him. If he's not, share in discovering why he did what he did and what responsibility you bear for what wasn't right in the relationship.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.

Sounds like your partner wants out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recommend reading The State of Affairs by well-respected couples' therapist Esther Perel.

OP, it is so hurtful when a spouse goes outside the marriage to meet needs, and breaks vows.

But the reasons for an affair are complex and you're not going to find peace looking to blame him alone. If he's simply a bad person, leave him. If he's not, share in discovering why he did what he did and what responsibility you bear for what wasn't right in the relationship.

+1

No I recommend you not read her book she writes books to make money and she is not a well respected psychologist.

[Anonymous]

Op isn’t married, right? Hope no children are involved.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't visit surviving infidelity. It made me crazy when I was trying to deal with mine and doled out lots of bad advice.

Our therapist wouldn't come out and condemn the affair either. Her view was the affair happened because of an issue in the marriage, let's address the issue. I'm divorced now. Ex-H never full admitted to the affair and never apologized for it. They "dated" while we were married and hugged and kissed, but he said it was no more, and my experience now tells me there was was more. But I'm free of that pain and BS.

Going through an affair and healing from it are quite traumatic. Breathe. And be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you looked at a site like surviving infidelity.com? Based on the experience of many, many people who have been in your situation, going to couples therapy at this stage is pointless. Your partner needs individual counseling to figure out why he thought it was ok to cheat/why he has weak boundaries. The affair is his problem, not a marital problem. That doesn't mean that there aren't issues in your relationship that need to be addressed, but before that can happen he needs to figure out his own issues. Affairs are never, ever the fault of the betrayed partner. You were both in the same relationship, and you didn't choose to cheat. You may also need therapy, to deal with your own feelings about the cheating.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.

Op you sound very stubborn. You spouse sounds like he/she doesn’t think it was wrong, and the more you dig in the more justified they might feel. Why even bother with counseling? Your spouse clearly has no interest.

Dumb, pesky monogamy.

[Anonymous]

Read chumplady.com

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recommend reading The State of Affairs by well-respected couples' therapist Esther Perel.

OP, it is so hurtful when a spouse goes outside the marriage to meet needs, and breaks vows.

But the reasons for an affair are complex and you're not going to find peace looking to blame him alone. If he's simply a bad person, leave him. If he's not, share in discovering why he did what he did and what responsibility you bear for what wasn't right in the relationship.

+1

No I recommend you not read her book she writes books to make money and she is not a well respected psychologist.

+2. Don’t read Esther Perel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

So if her husband beat her you would say it was OK for the therapist to not take sides?

[Anonymous]

I’d avoid partners who in any way seem “entitled”. They’re spoiled rotten from childhood.