If someone has too extravagant a party or home, would you not reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is even happening in this thread?! I just...

Are people THIS class-conscious? Or is it that rich people are this class-conscious? (And yeah, the OP sounds at least UMC, if not higher— at least according to Kate Wagner of McMansion Hell, a mansion is basically any home over 3000 sq ft.)

It’s not like I don’t notice when a friend is wealthy or poor but just... I can’t believe people put this much thought into it! To the point of being so self-conscious about their position that they refuse or don’t offer invitations! And I’m not talking about someone who lives in a run-down apartment being self-conscious around someone who lives in 5000 sq ft in Potomac— what this is really about are people who live in nice SFH or people who live in legit mansions worrying about their class position relative to each other.

I just... the mind boggles.

It’s easy to wonder why other people are self conscious while you are well off.

Anyways...OP, if you can’t get past this, plan outings and invite people instead. Go to a park and out to lunch, to the movies, a concert, museum, out to dinner etc.

I'm not well-off! I mean, I do own an 1100 sq ft house in a "bad school district." Which was the first home I ever purchased, 1 year ago, at the age of 40. Prior to that, I lived in apartments. So I guess if that makes me well-off.

You have completely and totally missed my point, which was that I am shocked that people who (mostly) clearly ARE well-off are self-conscious about this kind of thing. But I guess it would be the people who are most class-privileged who are most class-conscious.

Is this the OP? You yourself said you live in a mansion.... 1100 sq?

Why so judgmental? I socialize with people I like and have fun with. I don’t care about the size of their house and certainly do not judge how they celebrate or what decorations they have. You are very judgmental. Some people are minimalists and some love to decorate every corner. It’s their home. I only care about who lives there.

Op here. That was not me. Our house is 10,000sf. Our house is not professionally decorated. Our house is mostly bare with a lot of windows.

I wrote this post after two recent experiences. At the end of the day, I didn’t click with mom at over the top party and I plan to invite the other kid over for a play date. I’m already over their house and the over the top party.

People have a reading comprehension problem.

The PP with the 1100 sq ft home is me, and how I'm judgmental (what, of rich people being overly concerned with status?) I don't know.

Why would OP say she doesn't understand why people care about this, when she obviously does.

But OP... You don't "live in a mansion" and it's 10,000 sq ft. Get the eff out of here. Unless it's actually an industrial warehouse, it's a mansion.

Ah, America. Rich people don't think they're rich, and poor people think they're middle class.

[Anonymous]

I live in a large house in a good school district, but the house is furnished with random furnishings DH and I have acquired over the years... some from ikea, some from room and board, some from our parents, and quite a bit from Craigs list and local list serv giveaways (a real gem in this area!). That said, the only people we host are kids’ birthday parties, play dates, and family, and very close friends from before we had kids. Neighbors have had us over and their houses are stunning inside.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's true. I've hosted plenty but people have not reciprocated, they will be out though. I'm very low key but hubby isn't nevertheless, I do get comments when out with moms since I am SAHM and affluent. Our house is by no means a mansion but we are on a lake. DD in elementary school has had mean girls smirk at her about being affluent, bigger house. I know how to respond back to people like that but I don't know what to tell DD but just to ignore those girls or meet at the mall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny for an extremely wealthy family is a true mansion (one of three mansions they own). They have friends of far lesser income and means over all the time as well as famous people and those who live in ridiculously magnificent homes. My employers go to parties in friend’s apartments as well. They are lovely, warm and open people and have none of the issues or concerns you have, OP.

Quite frankly, you need to acquire true class, OP. You certainly don’t seem to have any.

Well, look at you judging away.

This is a not a question of class, but of understandable anxiety and insecurity.

Yeah right. What insanely wealthy family is actually friends with people who live in apartments? How did these so called friends meet? They don’t travel in the same circles. They aren’t going on the same vacations and they aren’t commiserating with each other on how to make ends meet. There is nothing in common. I don’t believe you.

PP you do realize that apartment is not synonymous with affordable housing. Not everyone who lives in an apartment is struggling to make ends meet. Have you see the rents on some apartments? Apartments come in all levels, from affordable housing right up to swanky penthouses with all the amenities you want. So it is possible that apartment dwellers and extremely wealthy families can take the same vacation and run in the same social circles. But guess what? What they likely have most in common is being parents. While it certainly gets easier with money, parenting is parenting (unless you live in Ca and you take out an add to outsource the role of a second parent

[Anonymous]

Parents grew up poor.

[Anonymous]

Op, are you worried people will think less of you simply because you don’t have as much money as they do? Would you even want to associate with people like that anyhow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's true. I've hosted plenty but people have not reciprocated, they will be out though. I'm very low key but hubby isn't nevertheless, I do get comments when out with moms since I am SAHM and affluent. Our house is by no means a mansion but we are on a lake. DD in elementary school has had mean girls smirk at her about being affluent, bigger house. I know how to respond back to people like that but I don't know what to tell DD but just to ignore those girls or meet at the mall.

PP I think you may be making some assumptions. Not sure where you live but in my social circle people don't comment on other parents for being SAH and affluent, or working two jobs and being poor. And kids don't smirk about the size of other kids homes when they are bigger than their own. I am not saying these comments don't happen but I don't think it has to do with your family's wealth as much as it does your family's attitude towards your wealth, and the relative wealth, or lack thereof, of others.

I am not sure I understand this comment "I've hosted plenty but people have not reciprocated, they will be out though." Are you only hosting to get invites? How many times does a person get invited to your home before you cut them off for not reciprocating.
Be kind and understand many people don't like to host. The thought of people in their home makes them anxious. I would rather not go to someone's home if they are not going to enjoy themselves. And some people might like to host but don't have the space for it.
You can't say you are low key right after you note that you are cutting people out for not reciprocating. Are they not having parties at all or are they having them and not inviting you? If they later, I think there is a lesson there.

Apologies if I misunderstood the comment but that was all I could make of it.

[Anonymous]

Generally I know that I am not going to have much in common with someone who lives in a mansion or a big flashy house. We just have different values and priorities and it is unlikely we would hit it off. It isn't about income but how people choose to live. We generally look to invite people over and build friendships with people with similar lifestyles or common philosophies towards life.

I am not impressed by lavish displays of wealth.

[Anonymous]

Do you post often about this issue OP? I have read this before. Either OP posts somewhat regularly or there are quite a few people who think others don’t reciprocate play dates because their house is too nice. I really hope it’s all one person posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally I know that I am not going to have much in common with someone who lives in a mansion or a big flashy house. We just have different values and priorities and it is unlikely we would hit it off. It isn't about income but how people choose to live. We generally look to invite people over and build friendships with people with similar lifestyles or common philosophies towards life.

I am not impressed by lavish displays of wealth.

This exactly. I just don’t have much in common with someone who lives in a big house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Generally I know that I am not going to have much in common with someone who lives in a mansion or a big flashy house. We just have different values and priorities and it is unlikely we would hit it off. It isn't about income but how people choose to live. We generally look to invite people over and build friendships with people with similar lifestyles or common philosophies towards life.

I am not impressed by lavish displays of wealth.

This exactly. I just don’t have much in common with someone who lives in a big house.

I truly don't understand this way of thinking. I went to a private school with very wealthy people (we were rich but not RICH) and one of the nicest, most down-to-earth, friendliest families we knew lived in a huge house. The dad was a builder (mostly commercial) and they had like an eight-car garage and the kids rooms were in different wings and they had multiple living rooms but they were very generous, kind, and loving people and the size of their house had nothing to do with that. They were super involved with their church, had a very close-knit family, donated tons and not just their money but their time, took in foster kids, etc. Seriously, some of the best people I've ever encountered. I think anyone who judges someone by the size of their house, large or small, is kind of a jerk.

[Anonymous]

I don't have large groups of people over to my house because the old bathrooms in my 1940's house can't handle a crowd, and I can't afford to gut and redo them. So I stick to smaller groups of adults and girl scout troop meetings.

Most of the families in our circle have larger homes because they're dual-income high-earner families. (I'm a single mom who does ok but not great.) The feedback I usually get on my house is "cozy" or "cute" and I'm ok with that, because it is cozy and cute. I've worked hard to make it warm and cozy, in part because it'll never be big and impressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Generally I know that I am not going to have much in common with someone who lives in a mansion or a big flashy house. We just have different values and priorities and it is unlikely we would hit it off. It isn't about income but how people choose to live. We generally look to invite people over and build friendships with people with similar lifestyles or common philosophies towards life.

I am not impressed by lavish displays of wealth.

This exactly. I just don’t have much in common with someone who lives in a big house.

So strange to me that people are so judgmental about things that may be completely irrelevant to character and values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Generally I know that I am not going to have much in common with someone who lives in a mansion or a big flashy house. We just have different values and priorities and it is unlikely we would hit it off. It isn't about income but how people choose to live. We generally look to invite people over and build friendships with people with similar lifestyles or common philosophies towards life.

I am not impressed by lavish displays of wealth.

This exactly. I just don’t have much in common with someone who lives in a big house.

I truly don't understand this way of thinking. I went to a private school with very wealthy people (we were rich but not RICH) and one of the nicest, most down-to-earth, friendliest families we knew lived in a huge house. The dad was a builder (mostly commercial) and they had like an eight-car garage and the kids rooms were in different wings and they had multiple living rooms but they were very generous, kind, and loving people and the size of their house had nothing to do with that. They were super involved with their church, had a very close-knit family, donated tons and not just their money but their time, took in foster kids, etc. Seriously, some of the best people I've ever encountered. I think anyone who judges someone by the size of their house, large or small, is kind of a jerk.

I never said they wouldn't be good people. I said we wouldn't have much in common due to differences in lifestyles and philosophies. There are lots of people in the world who are lovely people in their own way but we aren't going to be best friends due to our differences. There are lots of lovely amazing people living in the poorest neighborhoods too - but no one is inviting them over just because they are lovely. When you have your big dinner parties and holiday parties in your mansions how many people are you inviting that are on public assistance. Likely not many. Not because they aren't wonderful lovely people but because you have very different lifestyles.

Having a massive home or wearing only name brand or having eight cars or taking 20K vacations are personal choices that are made based on what is important to someone in their life. They choose where to spend their resources based on what they value. I am not saying that is wrong, I am saying it is very different from what we value. We just don't have much in common at our cores. We can still chit chat about a movie we both saw or discuss the weather and enjoy the talk but these aren't people that I am going to work to build relationships with. Our lives are just too different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Generally I know that I am not going to have much in common with someone who lives in a mansion or a big flashy house. We just have different values and priorities and it is unlikely we would hit it off. It isn't about income but how people choose to live. We generally look to invite people over and build friendships with people with similar lifestyles or common philosophies towards life.

I am not impressed by lavish displays of wealth.

This exactly. I just don’t have much in common with someone who lives in a big house.

So strange to me that people are so judgmental about things that may be completely irrelevant to character and values.

How is the size of your home irrelevant to your values? If was a choice that you made based on the values you hold. Unless someone held a gun to your head and forced you to buy a massive house against your will and against everything you stand for, it represents you.