If someone has too extravagant a party or home, would you not reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we have gone too far down the path of "entertaining" instead of old-fashioned "hospitality". People visit friends to have fun and feel welcomed, not to be "entertained."

It's easier to be gracious and welcoming to guests, even if your home is modest, to concentrate on your guests feeling appreciated and valued by you. People care less about your décor and food than you think.

Op here. This is absolutely true. I could care less when we go to a friend’s home about their furniture or decor.

I will invite the rich friend over. The mom is so nice and our kids get along well. I have never felt self conscious about our toys before. I actually purposely don’t go overboard on Christmas. We have plenty to keep some boys entertained for an afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will relate this story, told by my financial planner friend. She had a couple come in for a meet and greet and financial planning session. Guy was partner at a well regarded law firm in DC. They lived in a 8-10 million dollar mansion in DC. Took fancy vacations. Had more fancy cars than there were people in the house. Had nannies, housekeeper, cook, etc. Also had zero savings. His firm offered an excellent 401k plan, and he had zero saved for retirement. His kids had no 529 plans (or any other college savings). After expenses, they were in the red by 3K a month. She made several practical (she thought) suggestions, to bring the financial situation under control. They wouldn’t make changes; too married to appearances.

Anyway, saying all this, because you don’t really know what’s going on inside what appears to be a highly successful and wealthy household.

DH is in similar field but we are big savers. We could retire today in our early 40s. We live a modest life. We are not flashy people. That just isn’t our style.

[Anonymous]

i used to think this way until I realized how insulting it is to assume that people are judgmental based on their houses, wardrobes, etc. Some people ARE judgmental, and you know what? Those are the people whose opinions we should not care about. So invite away. If they openly judge you based on material things, cut them off. Until then, don’t punish their kids, your kids, or anyone else by socially shunning them based on their financial status.

[Anonymous]

I do not spend time thinking about this kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

I feel funny about it also (our home is smack dab in the middle of value for our zip code) so do feel self-conscious on both ends (being a little extravagant, and then being dumpy (we haven't had a decorator and have some shabby furniture) but... get over it. As someone else said - being warm and welcoming and having a place where people want to be is more important. I grew up in a very modest home, but friends loved coming over because my parents were fun, and we had a nice yard and could make snacks and... have fun. That's what people I want to spend time with care about

[Anonymous]

I grew up very poor and was constantly scared my wealthier friends would judge my home.

But I was 10. This kind of thinking of an adult is a little nuts. Even if they are judging you for your "inadequate" home (which I think is pretty judgmental of you to assume), who cares?

[Anonymous]

OP, as long as:
- I've never heard you disparage someone else's home, taste in clothes, taste in cars. Even if it's someone I wouldn't ordinary like, I would never have wanted to hear this from you. Or you nod in agreement around someone else who would say it.
- as long as you had paid attention to your guests in your home in a relaxed way. Had been in the moment. If you had been focused, in our presence on the staging of the event, then it would seem like the event and impressing was more important to you than we were, as guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny for an extremely wealthy family is a true mansion (one of three mansions they own). They have friends of far lesser income and means over all the time as well as famous people and those who live in ridiculously magnificent homes. My employers go to parties in friend’s apartments as well. They are lovely, warm and open people and have none of the issues or concerns you have, OP.

Quite frankly, you need to acquire true class, OP. You certainly don’t seem to have any.

What are you yammering about? The topic has nothing to do with class

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny for an extremely wealthy family is a true mansion (one of three mansions they own). They have friends of far lesser income and means over all the time as well as famous people and those who live in ridiculously magnificent homes. My employers go to parties in friend’s apartments as well. They are lovely, warm and open people and have none of the issues or concerns you have, OP.

Quite frankly, you need to acquire true class, OP. You certainly don’t seem to have any.

What are you yammering about? The topic has nothing to do with class

She is the nanny of a wealthy family so she knows best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is even happening in this thread?! I just...

Are people THIS class-conscious? Or is it that rich people are this class-conscious? (And yeah, the OP sounds at least UMC, if not higher— at least according to Kate Wagner of McMansion Hell, a mansion is basically any home over 3000 sq ft.)

It’s not like I don’t notice when a friend is wealthy or poor but just... I can’t believe people put this much thought into it! To the point of being so self-conscious about their position that they refuse or don’t offer invitations! And I’m not talking about someone who lives in a run-down apartment being self-conscious around someone who lives in 5000 sq ft in Potomac— what this is really about are people who live in nice SFH or people who live in legit mansions worrying about their class position relative to each other.

I just... the mind boggles.

It’s easy to wonder why other people are self conscious while you are well off.

Anyways...OP, if you can’t get past this, plan outings and invite people instead. Go to a park and out to lunch, to the movies, a concert, museum, out to dinner etc.

I'm not well-off! I mean, I do own an 1100 sq ft house in a "bad school district." Which was the first home I ever purchased, 1 year ago, at the age of 40. Prior to that, I lived in apartments. So I guess if that makes me well-off.

You have completely and totally missed my point, which was that I am shocked that people who (mostly) clearly ARE well-off are self-conscious about this kind of thing. But I guess it would be the people who are most class-privileged who are most class-conscious.

[Anonymous]

Humble Brag.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know.
Now that I think of it, the PTA president at my child’s elementary school lives right down the road from us, but her house is probably worth 2-3 times what ours is, obviously professionally decorated, etc. She hosts all of the time for school parent events and hosted a neighborhood party once. I always say hello when I see her, but have never invited her over. I guess I just got the impression that she isn’t looking for friends.
Now I wonder if she is one of those people who feels she is constantly hosting and it is never reciprocated. And I also wonder if she had a house that was less expensive if I would find her more approachable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is even happening in this thread?! I just...

Are people THIS class-conscious? Or is it that rich people are this class-conscious? (And yeah, the OP sounds at least UMC, if not higher— at least according to Kate Wagner of McMansion Hell, a mansion is basically any home over 3000 sq ft.)

It’s not like I don’t notice when a friend is wealthy or poor but just... I can’t believe people put this much thought into it! To the point of being so self-conscious about their position that they refuse or don’t offer invitations! And I’m not talking about someone who lives in a run-down apartment being self-conscious around someone who lives in 5000 sq ft in Potomac— what this is really about are people who live in nice SFH or people who live in legit mansions worrying about their class position relative to each other.

I just... the mind boggles.

It’s easy to wonder why other people are self conscious while you are well off.

Anyways...OP, if you can’t get past this, plan outings and invite people instead. Go to a park and out to lunch, to the movies, a concert, museum, out to dinner etc.

I'm not well-off! I mean, I do own an 1100 sq ft house in a "bad school district." Which was the first home I ever purchased, 1 year ago, at the age of 40. Prior to that, I lived in apartments. So I guess if that makes me well-off.

You have completely and totally missed my point, which was that I am shocked that people who (mostly) clearly ARE well-off are self-conscious about this kind of thing. But I guess it would be the people who are most class-privileged who are most class-conscious.

Is this the OP? You yourself said you live in a mansion.... 1100 sq?

Why so judgmental? I socialize with people I like and have fun with. I don’t care about the size of their house and certainly do not judge how they celebrate or what decorations they have. You are very judgmental. Some people are minimalists and some love to decorate every corner. It’s their home. I only care about who lives there.

[Anonymous]

I don't invite people over much and it is in part because I feel like our house is always a mess and not very nicely decorated, etc. But it isn't because the people I am not inviting have nicer houses. Whether their house is nicer, about the same, or much crappier, I am equally unlikely to host them often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is even happening in this thread?! I just...

Are people THIS class-conscious? Or is it that rich people are this class-conscious? (And yeah, the OP sounds at least UMC, if not higher— at least according to Kate Wagner of McMansion Hell, a mansion is basically any home over 3000 sq ft.)

It’s not like I don’t notice when a friend is wealthy or poor but just... I can’t believe people put this much thought into it! To the point of being so self-conscious about their position that they refuse or don’t offer invitations! And I’m not talking about someone who lives in a run-down apartment being self-conscious around someone who lives in 5000 sq ft in Potomac— what this is really about are people who live in nice SFH or people who live in legit mansions worrying about their class position relative to each other.

I just... the mind boggles.

It’s easy to wonder why other people are self conscious while you are well off.

Anyways...OP, if you can’t get past this, plan outings and invite people instead. Go to a park and out to lunch, to the movies, a concert, museum, out to dinner etc.

I'm not well-off! I mean, I do own an 1100 sq ft house in a "bad school district." Which was the first home I ever purchased, 1 year ago, at the age of 40. Prior to that, I lived in apartments. So I guess if that makes me well-off.

You have completely and totally missed my point, which was that I am shocked that people who (mostly) clearly ARE well-off are self-conscious about this kind of thing. But I guess it would be the people who are most class-privileged who are most class-conscious.

Is this the OP? You yourself said you live in a mansion.... 1100 sq?

Why so judgmental? I socialize with people I like and have fun with. I don’t care about the size of their house and certainly do not judge how they celebrate or what decorations they have. You are very judgmental. Some people are minimalists and some love to decorate every corner. It’s their home. I only care about who lives there.

Op here. That was not me. Our house is 10,000sf. Our house is not professionally decorated. Our house is mostly bare with a lot of windows.

I wrote this post after two recent experiences. At the end of the day, I didn’t click with mom at over the top party and I plan to invite the other kid over for a play date. I’m already over their house and the over the top party.