If someone has too extravagant a party or home, would you not reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

We live in a very large house and throw awesome parties. It is what I grew up with so it comes naturally and easy to me. Our house is very tidy 99% of the time thanks to 3x a week cleaners.

I have never judged a friend's home or party, and we are invited to them often.

Are their people who will judge? Absolutely. Frankly, they aren't someone you should want to be friends with anyways.

[Anonymous]

If you are judging my house, I don't want you in it. I don't choose my friends by the size of their homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In a nutshell, yes, a lot of people think like you. I think like you! I have actively fought to correct myself over the years, knowing in my heart that parents want their children to have friends and don't mind visiting a significantly more modest home than theirs. My friend living in an apartment still hasn't invited me all these years, even though we have lunch together at my house or go out to eat regularly. I can only correct my behavior, not hers or anyone else's.

Agreed. We don’t ever invite other kids to our house because we are in a townhome and most of the kids at my kids’ schools are in million dollar homes. It sucks and it’s isolating.

Don’t do this. Seriously. While there are jerks everywhere, there are nice people everywhere too!

[Anonymous]

I will relate this story, told by my financial planner friend. She had a couple come in for a meet and greet and financial planning session. Guy was partner at a well regarded law firm in DC. They lived in a 8-10 million dollar mansion in DC. Took fancy vacations. Had more fancy cars than there were people in the house. Had nannies, housekeeper, cook, etc. Also had zero savings. His firm offered an excellent 401k plan, and he had zero saved for retirement. His kids had no 529 plans (or any other college savings). After expenses, they were in the red by 3K a month. She made several practical (she thought) suggestions, to bring the financial situation under control. They wouldn’t make changes; too married to appearances.

Anyway, saying all this, because you don’t really know what’s going on inside what appears to be a highly successful and wealthy household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live in a very large house and throw awesome parties. It is what I grew up with so it comes naturally and easy to me. Our house is very tidy 99% of the time thanks to 3x a week cleaners.

I have never judged a friend's home or party, and we are invited to them often.

Are their people who will judge? Absolutely. Frankly, they aren't someone you should want to be friends with anyways.

OT but it is not what I grew up with and it doesn’t come easily to me at all. Share your secrets!

[Anonymous]

Yes! I definitely have had this thought! But I kept inviting my friends over the years, or suggesting we go to their place “if it’s easier” and over time people have become more normal. But it is an issue in this area because ppl in dc md va are more on the competitive side.

For the record my house is more like yours, and I have friends in houses with amazing art and also friends in normal small middle houses.

[Anonymous]

Your friends in small houses may not have anyone over-entertaining when you don’t have a lot of space can be difficult. They may get together with everyone by going out to dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In a nutshell, yes, a lot of people think like you. I think like you! I have actively fought to correct myself over the years, knowing in my heart that parents want their children to have friends and don't mind visiting a significantly more modest home than theirs. My friend living in an apartment still hasn't invited me all these years, even though we have lunch together at my house or go out to eat regularly. I can only correct my behavior, not hers or anyone else's.

Agreed. We don’t ever invite other kids to our house because we are in a townhome and most of the kids at my kids’ schools are in million dollar homes. It sucks and it’s isolating.

I grew up in McLean In a nice SFH (not extravagant, but nice) and made a really good friend who lived in the Rotunda. She even said as much to me when we were that age- she didn’t invite people over because she was embarrassed about her apartment.
Fast forward 20 years and we are still best friends, (we do not live in McLean or even VA anymore, but live in the same city).
We also both became doctors of the same specialty- not sure that’s relevant but maybe it is.

Definitely continue to invite people over and build those friendships! Kids don’t care!

[Anonymous]

I live in a “mansion” and our best friends (met through the kids) live in a tear down. I am not the kind of person who gives 2 FS about your house or car. We are low, key, down to earth people. If they are good friends, they will want to hang out with you regardless.

[Anonymous]

What is even happening in this thread?! I just...

Are people THIS class-conscious? Or is it that rich people are this class-conscious? (And yeah, the OP sounds at least UMC, if not higher— at least according to Kate Wagner of McMansion Hell, a mansion is basically any home over 3000 sq ft.)

It’s not like I don’t notice when a friend is wealthy or poor but just... I can’t believe people put this much thought into it! To the point of being so self-conscious about their position that they refuse or don’t offer invitations! And I’m not talking about someone who lives in a run-down apartment being self-conscious around someone who lives in 5000 sq ft in Potomac— what this is really about are people who live in nice SFH or people who live in legit mansions worrying about their class position relative to each other.

I just... the mind boggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is even happening in this thread?! I just...

Are people THIS class-conscious? Or is it that rich people are this class-conscious? (And yeah, the OP sounds at least UMC, if not higher— at least according to Kate Wagner of McMansion Hell, a mansion is basically any home over 3000 sq ft.)

It’s not like I don’t notice when a friend is wealthy or poor but just... I can’t believe people put this much thought into it! To the point of being so self-conscious about their position that they refuse or don’t offer invitations! And I’m not talking about someone who lives in a run-down apartment being self-conscious around someone who lives in 5000 sq ft in Potomac— what this is really about are people who live in nice SFH or people who live in legit mansions worrying about their class position relative to each other.

I just... the mind boggles.

Honestly I guess I should expect this from DCUM— land of “$300k HHI is not rich.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is even happening in this thread?! I just...

Are people THIS class-conscious? Or is it that rich people are this class-conscious? (And yeah, the OP sounds at least UMC, if not higher— at least according to Kate Wagner of McMansion Hell, a mansion is basically any home over 3000 sq ft.)

It’s not like I don’t notice when a friend is wealthy or poor but just... I can’t believe people put this much thought into it! To the point of being so self-conscious about their position that they refuse or don’t offer invitations! And I’m not talking about someone who lives in a run-down apartment being self-conscious around someone who lives in 5000 sq ft in Potomac— what this is really about are people who live in nice SFH or people who live in legit mansions worrying about their class position relative to each other.

I just... the mind boggles.

It’s easy to wonder why other people are self conscious while you are well off.

Anyways...OP, if you can’t get past this, plan outings and invite people instead. Go to a park and out to lunch, to the movies, a concert, museum, out to dinner etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yawn... nice brag of your wealth. They don't invite you over as you are annoying, judgmental and careaboutstatus.

This! Get over yourself, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think we have gone too far down the path of "entertaining" instead of old-fashioned "hospitality". People visit friends to have fun and feel welcomed, not to be "entertained."

It's easier to be gracious and welcoming to guests, even if your home is modest, to concentrate on your guests feeling appreciated and valued by you. People care less about your décor and food than you think.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I might feel awkward.