Parents can't agree on downsizing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help them stay in their house. They will be happier.

This is BS. DH and I were very reluctant to move, but could see friends in distress b/c of need to move on short notice.

Once we moved - we couldn't be happier. So much easier.

--Not a boomer, actually a pre-boomer.

Oh sure. I mean, if you and your husband were happier after a move, that means everyone will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help them stay in their house. They will be happier.

This is BS. DH and I were very reluctant to move, but could see friends in distress b/c of need to move on short notice.

Once we moved - we couldn't be happier. So much easier.

--Not a boomer, actually a pre-boomer.

That's you, not them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it! Don’t let them unload on you. That’s totally inappropriate. Tell them youu will help execute their decision, once they make it. Maybe suggest a couple sessions with a counselor just to help them have the conversation (it’s about far more than living space) but otherwise, keep repeating that it’s up to them.

You either come from a family with unusually evolved elderly parents, or you have never been through this. I have with my own parents and with many friends and in every case suggesting a counselor is like telling them to expose themselves to the Coronavirus from Wuhan! Seriously, my mother was downright mentally ill from dealing with dad and you could not get her mental health help, but that is another story.

Normally you stay out of stuff, but there is a good chance something is up with mom. The early stages of things like dementia can really be a whole host of things from increased rigidity to hoarding to increased anxiety. Too often it's not "just aging." Dad is wise here and even if mom is just locked in by her own emotional stuff, she is not being rational. If they both had a full deck of cards, you star out of it, but here you are trying to stop a potential train wreck. Things go bad in a blind of an eye. You are one bad fall away from having to deal with their mess for them. It is well worth the effort to help dad out here even if it's just the peace of mind that you tried everything to avoid the nightmare that is dealing with your parents clutter while they have severe medical needs and potentially your worklife explodes and your own family needs you more.

Mom doesn't need to move to make OP's life easier. And it's not dementia to not want to move out of your home.

OK Bo0mer!

I'm actually GenX. I don't have a problem with Millenials and I think the generational wars are pretty silly. However, it is stereotypically entitled to think that people in their mid 70's (with maybe 20 years left to go!) should structure their lives in ways they don't want in order to make their kids' lives easier.

And yes, if they don't take their kids' opinions into account, then they should understand that very well may lead to less help later. Again, it's their choice.

This is all very easy to say until your adult child is the situation where due to your choices she has to drop everything to save you in an emergency and deal with your house and deal with job stress and family stuff. My friend had a heart attack in this situation. Another friend got downsized after taking off so much time and did not want to go through a legal battle over why she was let go after family leave or whatever it was. For me, it did me in. It's not easy to decide when the time comes to let your parent literally kill themselves due to their poor decisions. Not to mention the parent who says she will find a way to deal, calls you sobbing and uses every bit of ammunition they have to get you to drop everything.

Honestly, to those who say "let it go" I actually don't hope you experience what I did, because I don't wish that on anyone. I don't want anyone to be in a position that led to my friend's heart attack. On the other hand, I do hope you can better understand just through reading other people's accounts. If not, I do hope you don't have to learn the hard way.

I have been a caregiver- in my home for a year, out of home for 6 years. Some of us have done it. You may not be willing or want to but just stay that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think if you ALL decide that moving your parents is a decision that needs to be implemented now, your mother will not be able to fight it.

So do that.

Wow. That is a truly horrible thing to do. OP’s mom seems lucid and just values her correct residence. Forcing her out is basically treating her like a child. Op and her siblings should meet with her parents and help facilitate the conversation. Maybe there is a middle ground. They coukd hire a service to help clean out some of the clutter and/or reconfigure the house to live in a portion of it so dad does not need to use so many stairs. Or maybe mom is more afraid no one will visit if they move and the kids could ease her concerns.

PP you replied to.

I don't see it that way. OP's father desperately wants to move, and both will have to move eventually. Moving is emotionally upsetting (even for the one who wants to move) and logistically burdensome, so it's best to do it once and for all, early on, so that her mother has time to adjust while she still can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think if you ALL decide that moving your parents is a decision that needs to be implemented now, your mother will not be able to fight it.

So do that.

Wow. That is a truly horrible thing to do. OP’s mom seems lucid and just values her correct residence. Forcing her out is basically treating her like a child. Op and her siblings should meet with her parents and help facilitate the conversation. Maybe there is a middle ground. They coukd hire a service to help clean out some of the clutter and/or reconfigure the house to live in a portion of it so dad does not need to use so many stairs. Or maybe mom is more afraid no one will visit if they move and the kids could ease her concerns.

PP you replied to.

I don't see it that way. OP's father desperately wants to move, and both will have to move eventually. Moving is emotionally upsetting (even for the one who wants to move) and logistically burdensome, so it's best to do it once and for all, early on, so that her mother has time to adjust while she still can.

It's not a foregone conclusion that they definitely will have to move later. And even if that turns out to b the case, it's not up to OP to decide when. Adult children do not get to dictate where their parents live!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think if you ALL decide that moving your parents is a decision that needs to be implemented now, your mother will not be able to fight it.

So do that.

Wow. That is a truly horrible thing to do. OP’s mom seems lucid and just values her correct residence. Forcing her out is basically treating her like a child. Op and her siblings should meet with her parents and help facilitate the conversation. Maybe there is a middle ground. They coukd hire a service to help clean out some of the clutter and/or reconfigure the house to live in a portion of it so dad does not need to use so many stairs. Or maybe mom is more afraid no one will visit if they move and the kids could ease her concerns.

PP you replied to.

I don't see it that way. OP's father desperately wants to move, and both will have to move eventually. Moving is emotionally upsetting (even for the one who wants to move) and logistically burdensome, so it's best to do it once and for all, early on, so that her mother has time to adjust while she still can.

They don't have to move. Many people, especially in a house like that find ways to make it work. OP doesn't want to help and that is the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think if you ALL decide that moving your parents is a decision that needs to be implemented now, your mother will not be able to fight it.

So do that.

Wow. That is a truly horrible thing to do. OP’s mom seems lucid and just values her correct residence. Forcing her out is basically treating her like a child. Op and her siblings should meet with her parents and help facilitate the conversation. Maybe there is a middle ground. They coukd hire a service to help clean out some of the clutter and/or reconfigure the house to live in a portion of it so dad does not need to use so many stairs. Or maybe mom is more afraid no one will visit if they move and the kids could ease her concerns.

PP you replied to.

I don't see it that way. OP's father desperately wants to move, and both will have to move eventually. Moving is emotionally upsetting (even for the one who wants to move) and logistically burdensome, so it's best to do it once and for all, early on, so that her mother has time to adjust while she still can.

It's not a foregone conclusion that they definitely will have to move later. And even if that turns out to b the case, it's not up to OP to decide when. Adult children do not get to dictate where their parents live!

PP you replied to. I disagree, when they're both asking for your advice, as OP has described! I am confused by a lot of posters' MYOB advice. Do they have not a close relationship with their parents? I definitely tell my parents to do what I think is best of them. They do the same for me. This is what a parent-child relationship should be all about, in my opinion. And if my father wanted to downsize at 70, and my mother didn't want to, I would move them to an appropriate location. It's the right thing to do. I know my mother would get over it. (Actually in my case, roles would probably be reversed, but same thing.)

[Anonymous]

She needs to move, but she may not want to. Consider helping your dad move and leaving your mom there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Help them stay in their house. They will be happier.

This is BS. DH and I were very reluctant to move, but could see friends in distress b/c of need to move on short notice.

Once we moved - we couldn't be happier. So much easier.

--Not a boomer, actually a pre-boomer.

Oh sure. I mean, if you and your husband were happier after a move, that means everyone will be.

Come on. My point was the previous PP doesn't know they'll be happier in their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it! Don’t let them unload on you. That’s totally inappropriate. Tell them youu will help execute their decision, once they make it. Maybe suggest a couple sessions with a counselor just to help them have the conversation (it’s about far more than living space) but otherwise, keep repeating that it’s up to them.

You either come from a family with unusually evolved elderly parents, or you have never been through this. I have with my own parents and with many friends and in every case suggesting a counselor is like telling them to expose themselves to the Coronavirus from Wuhan! Seriously, my mother was downright mentally ill from dealing with dad and you could not get her mental health help, but that is another story.

Normally you stay out of stuff, but there is a good chance something is up with mom. The early stages of things like dementia can really be a whole host of things from increased rigidity to hoarding to increased anxiety. Too often it's not "just aging." Dad is wise here and even if mom is just locked in by her own emotional stuff, she is not being rational. If they both had a full deck of cards, you star out of it, but here you are trying to stop a potential train wreck. Things go bad in a blind of an eye. You are one bad fall away from having to deal with their mess for them. It is well worth the effort to help dad out here even if it's just the peace of mind that you tried everything to avoid the nightmare that is dealing with your parents clutter while they have severe medical needs and potentially your worklife explodes and your own family needs you more.

Mom doesn't need to move to make OP's life easier. And it's not dementia to not want to move out of your home.

OK Bo0mer!

I'm actually GenX. I don't have a problem with Millenials and I think the generational wars are pretty silly. However, it is stereotypically entitled to think that people in their mid 70's (with maybe 20 years left to go!) should structure their lives in ways they don't want in order to make their kids' lives easier.

And yes, if they don't take their kids' opinions into account, then they should understand that very well may lead to less help later. Again, it's their choice.

This is all very easy to say until your adult child is the situation where due to your choices she has to drop everything to save you in an emergency and deal with your house and deal with job stress and family stuff. My friend had a heart attack in this situation. Another friend got downsized after taking off so much time and did not want to go through a legal battle over why she was let go after family leave or whatever it was. For me, it did me in. It's not easy to decide when the time comes to let your parent literally kill themselves due to their poor decisions. Not to mention the parent who says she will find a way to deal, calls you sobbing and uses every bit of ammunition they have to get you to drop everything.

Honestly, to those who say "let it go" I actually don't hope you experience what I did, because I don't wish that on anyone. I don't want anyone to be in a position that led to my friend's heart attack. On the other hand, I do hope you can better understand just through reading other people's accounts. If not, I do hope you don't have to learn the hard way.

I have been a caregiver- in my home for a year, out of home for 6 years. Some of us have done it. You may not be willing or want to but just stay that.

That’s exactly what OP is saying! I don’t want to put my life on hold to be your full time caregiver!

It’s the height of entitlement to set up your life so your kids are the ones who pay the price for your bad choices. If the only way your plans for aging in place work is if your adult children quit their jobs, ditch their families and become your full time nurse, then you’ve planned badly and selfishly.

Grow up boomer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it! Don’t let them unload on you. That’s totally inappropriate. Tell them youu will help execute their decision, once they make it. Maybe suggest a couple sessions with a counselor just to help them have the conversation (it’s about far more than living space) but otherwise, keep repeating that it’s up to them.

You either come from a family with unusually evolved elderly parents, or you have never been through this. I have with my own parents and with many friends and in every case suggesting a counselor is like telling them to expose themselves to the Coronavirus from Wuhan! Seriously, my mother was downright mentally ill from dealing with dad and you could not get her mental health help, but that is another story.

Normally you stay out of stuff, but there is a good chance something is up with mom. The early stages of things like dementia can really be a whole host of things from increased rigidity to hoarding to increased anxiety. Too often it's not "just aging." Dad is wise here and even if mom is just locked in by her own emotional stuff, she is not being rational. If they both had a full deck of cards, you star out of it, but here you are trying to stop a potential train wreck. Things go bad in a blind of an eye. You are one bad fall away from having to deal with their mess for them. It is well worth the effort to help dad out here even if it's just the peace of mind that you tried everything to avoid the nightmare that is dealing with your parents clutter while they have severe medical needs and potentially your worklife explodes and your own family needs you more.

Mom doesn't need to move to make OP's life easier. And it's not dementia to not want to move out of your home.

OK Bo0mer!

I'm actually GenX. I don't have a problem with Millenials and I think the generational wars are pretty silly. However, it is stereotypically entitled to think that people in their mid 70's (with maybe 20 years left to go!) should structure their lives in ways they don't want in order to make their kids' lives easier.

And yes, if they don't take their kids' opinions into account, then they should understand that very well may lead to less help later. Again, it's their choice.

This is all very easy to say until your adult child is the situation where due to your choices she has to drop everything to save you in an emergency and deal with your house and deal with job stress and family stuff. My friend had a heart attack in this situation. Another friend got downsized after taking off so much time and did not want to go through a legal battle over why she was let go after family leave or whatever it was. For me, it did me in. It's not easy to decide when the time comes to let your parent literally kill themselves due to their poor decisions. Not to mention the parent who says she will find a way to deal, calls you sobbing and uses every bit of ammunition they have to get you to drop everything.

Honestly, to those who say "let it go" I actually don't hope you experience what I did, because I don't wish that on anyone. I don't want anyone to be in a position that led to my friend's heart attack. On the other hand, I do hope you can better understand just through reading other people's accounts. If not, I do hope you don't have to learn the hard way.

I have been a caregiver- in my home for a year, out of home for 6 years. Some of us have done it. You may not be willing or want to but just stay that.

That’s exactly what OP is saying! I don’t want to put my life on hold to be your full time caregiver!

It’s the height of entitlement to set up your life so your kids are the ones who pay the price for your bad choices. If the only way your plans for aging in place work is if your adult children quit their jobs, ditch their families and become your full time nurse, then you’ve planned badly and selfishly.

Grow up boomer!

+1

[Anonymous]

This happened with my parents, but it was mom who moved. She was sick of winter and the big house. So, she moved South. Called my dads bluff, I guess. He always said he’d go down, but he didn’t until he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. They lived separately for 10 years and would visit frequently. It was odd to me, but I guess it worked for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened with my parents, but it was mom who moved. She was sick of winter and the big house. So, she moved South. Called my dads bluff, I guess. He always said he’d go down, but he didn’t until he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. They lived separately for 10 years and would visit frequently. It was odd to me, but I guess it worked for them.

This is what my parents would have done had they had the money for two households. They didn’t. They just fought about it for years. Finally started looking at places and all had some problem that the spouse who didn’t want to move kept pointing out to the one who did. It never happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think if you ALL decide that moving your parents is a decision that needs to be implemented now, your mother will not be able to fight it.

So do that.

Wow. That is a truly horrible thing to do. OP’s mom seems lucid and just values her correct residence. Forcing her out is basically treating her like a child. Op and her siblings should meet with her parents and help facilitate the conversation. Maybe there is a middle ground. They coukd hire a service to help clean out some of the clutter and/or reconfigure the house to live in a portion of it so dad does not need to use so many stairs. Or maybe mom is more afraid no one will visit if they move and the kids could ease her concerns.

PP you replied to.

I don't see it that way. OP's father desperately wants to move, and both will have to move eventually. Moving is emotionally upsetting (even for the one who wants to move) and logistically burdensome, so it's best to do it once and for all, early on, so that her mother has time to adjust while she still can.

They don't have to move. Many people, especially in a house like that find ways to make it work. OP doesn't want to help and that is the issue.

Did you even read the original post? OP's dad wants to move. I don't know exactly how some of you think OP should "help" her parents stay in a huge, deteriorating, over cluttered house that her dad finds hard to get around. That makes zero sense.

OP, I sympathize. My parents are a bit younger but were at odds about downsizing for quite some time. However, they at least agreed that the former situation wasn't workable. My mom's knees are terrible (and she keeps putting off surgery, but that's another story) and was having a lot of trouble with the stairs. The house was probably only 2000 sqft but two stories plus a basement and laundry was in the basement. The difference was, my dad wanted to REALLY downsize into an apartment so that he would have no yard/upkeep responsibilities, while she just wanted a smaller, ranch style house with a garage and a basement so she could still bring all of the stuff they had accumulated. She even floated the idea of renovating their current house to add a first floor master and laundry, but my dad shot that down. They argued for a long time and I wasn't sure they were ever going to move, but then they witnessed friends being forced to move due to poor health. They also found a compromise rental- a townhouse in an over 55 community that had the storage my mom wanted but everything they needed on the first floor and no upkeep. However, they sometimes say it's temporary until they can find a new house to buy, so we'll see. They seem happy there though.

Obviously, you can't force your mom to do anything, but would it help if you and your sister offered to help with the cleanout? I wonder what would happen if your dad really did follow through and move out.

[Anonymous]

My parents did this to us and they are/were Greatest Generation. They saved everything and waited until appliances broke before replacing them. Refused to move out of the home they had lived in for forty years. Mom is still hanging on at 92 and refuses to leave.