Parents can't agree on downsizing
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Anonymous
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My parents are in their mid 70s and still living in the house I grew up in, which is really big (6500 sf) - 3 stories including the basement where the laundry and and their "offices" are (they are retired). They are constantly going up and down the stairs and it's getting to be too much for my dad, who really wants to move to an apartment because it will be more manageable. My mom is completely against it because she has so many memories in the house and can't bear the thought of leaving. It's not in great shape overall (because they refuse to put any money in to fixing things) and the layout is not modern so anyone who buys it will likely knock it down completely or renovate it significantly, which my mom hates the idea of. Also, they have tons of stuff literally bursting from the seams - they somehow saved tons of furniture and house items from when their own parents passed away and part of our basement looks like a flea market. Although the items are very sentimental to my mom in particular, its mostly junk that no one will buy and certainly none of us kids want - so my mom knows they would need to donate or dump a ton. They aren't in the DC area and my mom loves to have her kids and grandkids come visit and stay with them, which won't be possible if they are in a smaller apartment so my mom seems unwilling to accept that.
At first downsizing was really just something my dad was talking about, but a couple weeks ago he told us he found an apartment and wants to put in an offer but my mom "forbids" him but he is going to ignore her and do it anyway. This has caused a huge disagreement among my parents and they are barely speaking with one another. They have both reached out to me (and my sister) separately to plead their case and badmouth the other one. Has anyone else dealt with this? Is there anything my sister and I can do to help mediate or is it best to try to stay out of it? My parents have been married for 45 years and I have never seen them like this and neither of them will back down. I actually think they should downsize but my mom just won't hear it. |
Anonymous
| This actually happened with my parents. My dad DID buy the new place and my mom DID move. So, maybe not the best strategy, but it works sometimes. FWIW, my mom was being completely unrealistic about the situation regarding her ability to get around the house and take care of the house. |
Anonymous
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I am stunned it hasn’t happened with my parents. My mom is your mom and my dad would be so much happier in an apartment within walking distance to everything.
Would your mom take a class on uncluttering? |
Anonymous
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OP, you stay out of it as long as your Father is mentally capable. Too often there is way too much talking and not enough action. Your father might actually do this, go ahead and buy without her ok, but until he actually does, it's just talk.
Btw, what often happens --- because it's the only way for the change to actually happen, is: First the elderly couple moves. Then, the house gets cleaned-out/sold. |
Anonymous
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If they can afford it, especially without selling, buy it. Then start to set it up. If there’s a medical issue or a need, it will be there for them, with their own stuff that they recognize in it.
Slowly let your mom put her most important things in it. Let your dad make it what he wants it to be for him too. Keep the house For a while for family visits, for your mom to stay in, or visit. A country house and a city house. Or whatever fits. |
Anonymous
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My in-laws, who are remarkably clear-eyed and practical about aging, bought a condo and rented it out with the thought that if one of them died or they otherwise couldn’t handle their house anymore, they could easily move into it.
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Anonymous
| Keep the house and make it senior proof. Maybe add an elevator or stair case chair for dad. |
Anonymous
| My parents have been talking about downsizing for 15 years. It would've been great if they did it before health issues and maintenance issues starting coming into play. But they didn't do anything because, I found out recently, they disagreed on where to go (mom, closer to me; dad, where they wanted to retire to 20+ years ago). I've tried to help them over the years (pay for an organizing/downsizing consultant, find senior living communities near me and near them, looking for places for them to donate items) but very little has changed in years. I've finally realized that nothing will change unless I "go nuclear": in which I do everything myself, from selling the house to getting rid of the stuff to moving them into a new place. And I do not have the bandwidth to take that on at this time. So the only advice I can offer is to accept how things are and be mentally/financially prepared to "save the day" at some point. |
Anonymous
So who do you propose takes on this task? None of the adult kids live there and the house is bursting at the seams with clutter. |
Anonymous
| We moved my parents "for the Winter". Try it out for the Winter. After 3 months in the new place they forgot they ever had any objection. But we really had to feel like we tricked them. It was the only way it was going to work. And they were more elderly. And somewhat different scenario since they were use to going --somewhere else -- for the Winter months. |
Anonymous
It's called stepping-up. Do you realize how much time people take off, when they have to, to help their elderly parents? It's very difficult. And it's life. Sounds like Op's parents aren't so helpless, but PP, this is in your future. You help. You do what's needed. |
Anonymous
I propose you as you are compiling about it. Its not about who lives there but about they are getting older and need support. You are entirely missing the point. Stop complaining or help. |
Anonymous
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Your post makes me so sad because I could have written it word for word. Our situations were nearly identical. Here’s what happened in a short summary. Years of talking and frustration for everyone. My parents started arguing more. We, the grown children and spouses, tried to “step up” as PP suggested and then they’d both turn on us and scream. None of us were local and we would take off of work and go for long periods of time to try and help with decluttering, cleaning, or try to put things in place to help with day to day. Our father increasingly wanted to sell and our mother dug her heels in worse. The fighting increased and the house became so cluttered it was difficult to stay there with the grandkids when we visited.
Everything changed overnight with a series of very serious medical conditions. Surgeries and ongoing treatments started. The stairs became too much and she couldn’t get up the stairs. Overnight she agreed to sell and they did. Without telling us, they put the house on the market and hired a service to simply get rid of everything. They now live in a manageable apartment. |
Anonymous
| ^^ that above seems like a likely Scenario. OP you would be good to stay out of it. What you call clutter they call the collection of s lifetime. They are adults. All you can do is get caught in the middle. |
Anonymous
| Stay out of it! Don’t let them unload on you. That’s totally inappropriate. Tell them youu will help execute their decision, once they make it. Maybe suggest a couple sessions with a counselor just to help them have the conversation (it’s about far more than living space) but otherwise, keep repeating that it’s up to them. |