Parents can't agree on downsizing

[Anonymous]

I think if you ALL decide that moving your parents is a decision that needs to be implemented now, your mother will not be able to fight it.

So do that.

[Anonymous]

Encourage them to compromise, a town house with a first floor master.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post makes me so sad because I could have written it word for word. Our situations were nearly identical. Here’s what happened in a short summary. Years of talking and frustration for everyone. My parents started arguing more. We, the grown children and spouses, tried to “step up” as PP suggested and then they’d both turn on us and scream. None of us were local and we would take off of work and go for long periods of time to try and help with decluttering, cleaning, or try to put things in place to help with day to day. Our father increasingly wanted to sell and our mother dug her heels in worse. The fighting increased and the house became so cluttered it was difficult to stay there with the grandkids when we visited.

Everything changed overnight with a series of very serious medical conditions. Surgeries and ongoing treatments started. The stairs became too much and she couldn’t get up the stairs. Overnight she agreed to sell and they did. Without telling us, they put the house on the market and hired a service to simply get rid of everything. They now live in a manageable apartment.

This is a good lesson... stay out of it... and likely they’ll be able to deal with it when the time comes. Or you know, they won’t. But there are always options... for example, there are companies that will buy houses and dispose of the “junk.” Obviously, you get pennies on the dollar compared to what you’d get fixing up and decluttering yourself. On the other hand, some people can’t take weeks/months of leave from work and their own children to accomplish this. It’s a trade off for sure. But there are always options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post makes me so sad because I could have written it word for word. Our situations were nearly identical. Here’s what happened in a short summary. Years of talking and frustration for everyone. My parents started arguing more. We, the grown children and spouses, tried to “step up” as PP suggested and then they’d both turn on us and scream. None of us were local and we would take off of work and go for long periods of time to try and help with decluttering, cleaning, or try to put things in place to help with day to day. Our father increasingly wanted to sell and our mother dug her heels in worse. The fighting increased and the house became so cluttered it was difficult to stay there with the grandkids when we visited.

Everything changed overnight with a series of very serious medical conditions. Surgeries and ongoing treatments started. The stairs became too much and she couldn’t get up the stairs. Overnight she agreed to sell and they did. Without telling us, they put the house on the market and hired a service to simply get rid of everything. They now live in a manageable apartment.

This is a good lesson... stay out of it... and likely they’ll be able to deal with it when the time comes. Or you know, they won’t. But there are always options... for example, there are companies that will buy houses and dispose of the “junk.” Obviously, you get pennies on the dollar compared to what you’d get fixing up and decluttering yourself. On the other hand, some people can’t take weeks/months of leave from work and their own children to accomplish this. It’s a trade off for sure. But there are always options.

You are quoting me. They hired a local company and it took about two weeks to clean out the entire house. They didn’t make a profit but ended up breaking even from the cost of the company and the money they earned from the auction. They didn’t have to do anything and couldn’t since she was too medically frail. After it was done they admitted it would have taken all of us months to do the same. Emotionally it was better to have a third party handle it. They were professionals with dealing with their emotions. We will hire a company to do the same someday for DH’s parents. It will likely be when they are no longer with us but they also live in an extremely full house on the other side of the country and refuse to part with anything.

[Anonymous]

I would advise you to stay out of it. If your parents, who have been married for this long and worked through many difficulties, cannot agree, you're not going to be a successful mediator. I speak from experience. Your parents sound so much like mine. A medical issue will force the issue at some point.

[Anonymous]

Something similar happened in my family. My grandmother dug in, grandfather died, we all pressured her to move out of her big house that at this point was hoarder status. One day she fell coming out of the shower and broke her hip. It took her 2 days to crawl to the phone and call one of her sons. Her son called 911. 911 showed up. They called protective services. Protective services would not let her return to the home and she became a temporary ward of the state. They put her in a nursing rehabilitation center, not of her choice. She ended up never going home. She has recently passed away and dealing with her home has been a nightmare.

She did eventually end up in private care, because protective services would not clear her home for her to return to it. The fall and a the 2 day crawl to the phone through clutter was the final straw.

[Anonymous]

The only conversation I would engage in would be to suggest they "look around" at apartments, condos, etc because IF/WHEN a medical event occurs, you will be making the move decision. A broken hip is a game changer. If you know their preference, you will do your best to make that happen. If they won't even look, you (the kids) wil make the decision alone. Your mom is scared and stubborn so I would keep the arguements to a minimum.

[Anonymous]

Agree with what everyone has said here: Stay out of it. BUT...they are calling. In order to get through the phone calls, I’d just listen and paraphrase. Paraphrasing is not agreeing or “siding” with the person. It’s about acknowledging what they’re saying. That’s it.

Mom: I can’t believe your dad. He thinks we need to move to an apartment. Hell no am I doing that.
You: So you’re not in favor of moving to an apartment while Dad is. What else?

And so on...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with what everyone has said here: Stay out of it. BUT...they are calling. In order to get through the phone calls, I’d just listen and paraphrase. Paraphrasing is not agreeing or “siding” with the person. It’s about acknowledging what they’re saying. That’s it.

Mom: I can’t believe your dad. He thinks we need to move to an apartment. Hell no am I doing that.
You: So you’re not in favor of moving to an apartment while Dad is. What else?

And so on...

I think this advice encourages them to vent to you instead of discussing it with each other. You aren’t their counselor. They should not be using you to lodge complaints against the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have been talking about downsizing for 15 years. It would've been great if they did it before health issues and maintenance issues starting coming into play. But they didn't do anything because, I found out recently, they disagreed on where to go (mom, closer to me; dad, where they wanted to retire to 20+ years ago). I've tried to help them over the years (pay for an organizing/downsizing consultant, find senior living communities near me and near them, looking for places for them to donate items) but very little has changed in years. I've finally realized that nothing will change unless I "go nuclear": in which I do everything myself, from selling the house to getting rid of the stuff to moving them into a new place. And I do not have the bandwidth to take that on at this time. So the only advice I can offer is to accept how things are and be mentally/financially prepared to "save the day" at some point.

It's really wonderful that you're so in tune with your inner voice and you have an innate sense of self. These factors played a vital role in you recognizing that your mental capacity (your bandwidth) may not be in the most sound place right now, especially to take on a roll such as Superhero to your parents.

Although, I think a lot of women chose to ignore their inner voice, because it's inconvenient.

It's obvious that you love your parents, and I wish you had a magic wand to wave so that everything could be taken care of for them instantly, and there would be no need for you to stress.

ALWAYS take care of yourself first PP, and then you'll be much better equipped to help out your parents.

It's just like on an airplane...
The flight attendant always instructs the adults to put on their own oxygen mask first and THEN they can help their children with theirs.

Putting on my mask before I help my children is such an unnatural feeling, isn't it?

That's because the majority of women are hard wired to place the welfare of our loved ones before anyone else... even ourselves!
It comes from hundreds of years of being placed in this role by someone else (usually old white men, lol).

So it's totally understandable why you would feel such a strong desire to "go nuclear" and get everything done yourself (it's usually easier that way, isn't it? Too many cooks in the kitchen and all?).

Do what you can to assist your parents PP, but ALWAYS remember to put your oxygen mask on first.

Self care is your priority, one day at a time.

Repeat this to yourself every day:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

[Anonymous]

Older person here: Buried two sets of parents and live in one of those neighborhoods where old people never leave ...
Some people never downsize. Clutter plies up. They live in only a couple of rooms, the lawn is mowed by a service, the house is not updated but not run down either. One neighbor did move to an apartment. They were 84. It took forever to clear the house yard sale after yard sale.
But otherwise ... they stayed well into their 80s and into their 90s. They are in a groove and they want to stay there until the end. They will do about anything to avoid moving. And if it’s a big house...
As for all the junk and clutter. Hire either a service to sell it or a guy with a truck to the dump.

[Anonymous]

Mid 70's here and just left the house of 50 years. What did it? Seeing contemporaries hit by serious medical conditions, struggling to cope with daily life. So we moved to an apartment because we still could.

So my advice is, stay out of the controversy, but it wouldn't help to emote about who just had a stroke, or who just got diagnosed with Parkinson's.

If there's money, you can hire someone to take care of most everything. There's an explosion of businesses who do this. Concierge moving, downsizing help, etc.

Good luck to you. I was never able to get my mother to move, and we pretty much had to shovel stuff out.

[Anonymous]

I mean, it wouldn't HURT to emote. . .

[Anonymous]

You must take sides here and I am usually a big advocate of staying out of things. MOM needs to get over it and move. It is a living hell when they age in place with a bunch of crap.It can take siblings who like eachother and turn them into mortal enemies. You can end up rensenting your parents during a time you want to be focused on loving them and helping them. When the shit hits the fan and they end up in the hospital and you are scrambling for residential care and dealing with your own kids and spouse the LAST thing you want to do is sort through their junk heap and deal or hire a company. If they are like my parents there are taxes going back decades and you need to shred that shit before someone from a company you hire steels the ss#. Mom needs to get with the program. Somehow gently or firmly get her there.

[Anonymous]

steals not steels oops